Dont Worry

•July 31, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Dont worry, you will find it. It is out there, so close waiting for you to find it.

It calls to you when you are closer than before.

It has leaves down from the heavens down to you and lie at your feet.

It suddenly whips through the high branches of the trees, calling your eyes upward.

It breathes the warm as your hand touches the cold of the word that once spoke doubt.

It is the light air balloon, bubbles that fill you, when you swear you are a filled with lead, glued to that place.

Dont worry, it hears your voice, knows the sound, is always waiting, never hides.

Dont worry, you have come forth and all that you thought you were has passed away, passed on by like the snake shedding its skin and the sudden bluster of air forcing its way through you.

Dont worry, you are not at a buffet of all the foods you dislike and have to choose the lesser of evils.

Before you stands you.

The person who was there taking the blows, heard the words, bled as you did and do.

They never changed.

They are in the words of doubt you spoke that this meat suit just might be wrong, and that they were trying to hide something so mighty and so valuable from you.

Dont worry, you are right about each and every thought that came upon this forehead, some had words and some never spoken.

Dont worry you do not want to erase the words that came forth from your mouth as actions and words were thrown at you like land mines and grenades.

They each are perfect and your response was perfect for the chaotic evil meant to hang you up from the neck.

Dont worry, you will learn how to breath again, you will feel your heartbeat steady and musical within your being.

Dont worry, the nightmares will cease, yet the tears will remain as they continually wash away every bit of grime inflicted upon you that soap and water did nothing to clean.

Dont worry, tears will come at the blue of the sky and the sweetness of a hot cup of tea, and the giggle with a tear down the cheek as you sit and eat an ice cream cone.

Dont worry, the need to binge watch television for another story or ways to escape this life will fade away, without leaving stains on the floor, and your eyes will be directed into another direction and you will find what you like these eyes and ears to take in.

Dont worry, you never left, you were not killed, nor forgotten.

You are like the sweet honeysuckle scent that dances upon the wind.

You are the breeze that moves the hair off the shoulder and wraps gently around you like the shawl from one you love.

You are the smile contained within the simple gesture of hello.

Dont worry, you are endless.

Dont worry, nothing is impossible.

This I know better than anything..

For what I was told I could not have, could not be, could not say…is all gone like the useless words spoken to create illness in a soul.

Dont worry,

Everything that was taken, is being given back.

Everything that was stolen, is returned new.

Everything that was dirtied, has been restored.

Everything that once turned away, can only see you.

Dont worry

You have not changed, been remodeled and have to live in a split level when you are a bungalow.

Dont worry.

You are still here, and the adventure awaits.

Whether it is to travel to places you only read about in books, try things you were told were not for you, or sit quietly by the water watching the dragonflies dance…

Do it..

In each thing you do, you will see you.

And you will see that you are not being discovered, did not go anywhere, were not killed off, are not damaged and need to be put out to pasture, or incapable of finding love or being love.

You will find you were right there all along and what they were trying so hard to make go away, to snuff out, to put in a box and have just for them to dance upon their being.

They did not count on you living and breathing again.

They thought they could open the box and place the gem upon their hand and they would look never worked..the gem does not shine for evil.

It waited patiently for you.

It is for you.

It is you.

You are the gem.

The magnificence that lives, breathes and loves.

You are not the lies, the damage, the secrets and shame.


Place your hand upon that wild heart..feel it beat..

You are that person feeling this breathe thinking..oh my..

How could I be so fortunate to be see this wind, to see the tree sway with that wind, to feel the sun kiss these cheeks, to see the blue and to laugh and cry at the same time..

You are that being..that knows this is what you are.

You are that.



•July 28, 2017 • Leave a Comment

The energy you draw to you.

The energy you speak.

The energy you think.

The energy you participate in.

Determines every thing that goes down in your life.

It is what is happening at this very moment from the choices one makes at this moment..and over and over again.

So my parting from the sociopath/ enabled my choices and thoughts to engage themselves in my life.

And people finally saw me for what I truly contained.

Rather than me standing as a shield in front of the sociopath..and I took the bullets for them.

I was not meant to take the bullets for them, clean up their messes.

As long as I was taking the bullet and cleaning up the messes I was telling people I had done something to deserve such treatment..which by the way is exactly what the sociopath/narc wants.

So if I keep standing in the way, cleaning up the messes, they never have accountability for anything.

See where I am going with this..?

They are never seen, because they are hiding behind you.

They see you bleeding and cleaning up the mess..natural assumption is you did something.

And we as beings are shamed into this belief system and told to help someone no matter what. Because if you do not..well you be going to hell.

So out of natural indoctrination because bullies bark very loudly and make you shaky..

You clean up the mess, take the bullets and believe that you are deserving of such are of the lesser beings roaming this planet.

And if you do not do this, well you might come back as a roach..or might be labelled as a co-dependent, a woman who loves too much.

These words like co-dependent are the latest “hot” words right now.

Co-dependents are beings that roam the planet getting their inner child to be abused to somehow rectify something..that they claim is why we get involved with abusers.

And my friends that is is just another method to shame people..

Make them think there is some deficit with them because they got wounded and were deserving of the wounding.

So when one is being abused and then cleans up the mess or takes the bullet for another’s actions..we take on the responsibility for their actions. We are telling our soul..that we did something wrong to deserve this treatment.

And we are telling those watching..that the abuser is right.

And nobody can see the abuser for what they really are until you step out of the spot light.

Trust me the abuser is not doing anything new to you..

Shaming people into being responsible for your actions is as old as this planet, which is quite old..

That is why abusers are successful..they keep the attention on nobody looks at them..

If you step out of view and stop cleaning up their mess..surprise..they are seen and the only one cleaning up their mess..or them.

You aint sitting in the poop pile as big as a building…NOPE.

You aint caring for them while they drink, drug and abuse…NOPE,,

And when you go silent, No Contact, move into your own life..things change mighty fast and mighty hugely wonderful..

And those people pointing fingers at you, the ones he said hated you and that is why they stayed away..(all lies of course) have to deal with them..and see him for what they are..

Without the nice cleaning you used to do..

Without the shine, wax and detailing you did on them..

They are revealed…

And so are you..

Which is the miracle of the whole thing…

The real you is present in all your beautiful glory..

Not vanity and being better than another…simply YOU.

They have to deal with the “it”..

Nobody there to make it better..

And that is a show to see..

So it is simple..

Hang with that..clean up after that..take bullets for that..people see you as that..see you at fault for that..

Step out..take responsibility for steps in..and wowzers on that..

Everything changes..

And it affects every area of your life..

You get friends…

You see those who see your life actions and say..this is a good person..I will support them.

You get to see real love…and not that movie land, commercialized, packaged crap like instant noodles..


You watch your life go from disasters to cake and ice cream all the time..

And the ability to handle, find resolutions to life issues..

And you see truth..real live truth..about you..

And all your talents come out..

Oh and you smile again..

You get something I am having a hard time finding a word for..

Simply put..

When I lay my head down now..I rest and dream of what I want..

I eat what I want, when I want..

My days are filled with my work, my desires and the “it” does not even come into play.

The impossible became possible many times a day..

Everything I dreamed of and silently hoped for is now happening..

And in all this..because I am sure the abuser will tell me I am selfish..

I see me..

The beauty..the intelligence..the sense of humor..the fabric artist..

And I am not selfish, or self centered, or vain, or deceitful or manipulative, or lazy..

And I use words to describe me from my mouth, my soul. And they are reinforced every day a million and one times a day by strangers..people who spend less than 1 minute with me.

How can that be..

It may have something to do with..

The truth always comes out.




•July 27, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I cannot think of a better way to have 100 days of No Contact enacted within my life than this.

And I think many others who have achieved even less than 100 days of no contact will understand this feeling…or lack thereof.

I woke up this morning…bored.

How did that happen?

Why did it happen?

My usual routine is awaken, make tea, journal, plan..proceed to prepare for the next steps in my day.

But today I am bored..the routine held for many years is gone…

Okay weird..

Yet really cool..

No raw emotions that suggest how my mood may be for the day. Or how many times I have to say affirmations or anything to battle something that is bubbling up inside of me..


And isnt this lovely..WOW.

My whole world has turned around. It has done a 360…

My heart beat is planning for an oops..nothing except pure calm.

Spend a lifetime of panic, waiting for the explosion, cleaning up another person’s messes..umm many peoples messes..


I feel like when you say something to a dog and they tilt their head sideways and have that look of what…?

I have that euphoria that dogs I have had, as they spin around your legs…and chanting to you..lets go run, throw the stick, lets explore..lets go lets go..bliss.

I think..what was I bothered about..?

I think why would I even care..?

Why did I ever feel or try to get a meat like me or what I was doing, who cannot keep his thing in his pants..or drinks to black out..

Why did I care what that thing thought or even wanted to help keep it breathing?

Why did I care about the opinion of anyone who had anything to do with him..not one of them ever came and talked to me face to face..and well that speaks volumes.

Why did I ever care..?

I dont know if I have the answer for this..

Maybe because they keep us so distracted with our perceived faults..

Maybe because they keep us so distracted with trying to stop the bleeding on our legitimate wounds.

Maybe because we read quotes that say, you know you are healed when you do not cry anymore.

Tears are my greatest assets.

Maybe we are scared to see that we are not damaged goods and that people are really good liars and do a hell of a floor show to distract..

Because isnt that the goal..distraction..

Look here, no here, no over here..

You become so exhausted and then you fall..because arent they always proclaiming they are your knight in shining armor..?

What we fail to realize is the issue, the problem did not exist until you met them.

What we fail to realize is they prey on your gentle heart, that has wounds and they pick at them like you do scabs..until you are so tired from changing bandages..that you start believing your broken and they are the super glue that holds you together.

maybe you have to be out to see get bored..

Maybe something happens in the psyche..

Maybe you have to push all the distractions away and stop looking at the floor show.

Maybe you have to say why are there so many bombs going off with this person. Why are my things disappearing or broken or weird.

And then when you are ten minutes out the bombs..lost is found..everything you need appears and the only thing that is weird is that nobody acts like that except them..


And this is where you realize this is pure evil..and a choice..

You know what I wish..

I wish that you are bored..

Because in that boredom you will realize the ride you were on..

And in that boredom you will find you again..

Tickle me pink..

Im bored.


On the cusp

•July 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A part of me feels like I am peeking through a window, that is open a crack..

And I have the whole Grand Canyon to see about the majesty of myself..

Yet I am peering through a small window..

Not a bad thing..just never really looked before..

And that is odd..

It reminds me of going to the Grand Canyon a number of years ago with my sons and standing and looking out and thinking..this is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And barely, just barely even touched upon the expanse of that beautiful expanse.

That is how I feel now.

And I am good with that.

I am looking at 100 days of NO CONTACT from the meat suit.

The pile of bones, skin and stuff that surgeries cannot keep intact..but hey..karma shows itself at the oddest times.

It is like looking at the pictures and going..Oh..and everything you were not able to see at the now see..

And 1 is followed by 2 and then by 3…and so on and so on..

And my journal is filled with everything he ever said and everything he ever did and looking at it and saying..he lied about everything…and it is everything.

And especially anything pertaining to me.

You see these meat suits..such a nice name for them..have to throw all their perversity and ugly onto you..make you believe you are trash..

And the crazy part about it is..they are trash and they target you because you are make them look good..

They do not play with their own kind..

Their own kind is so busy chewing on each other and finding someone who will make them not so smelly…they aint got time to sit around having a cup of tea..chatting about how smitten they are with themselves.

They spend their time trying to make you believe you are shit, suck life from you, leave you alongside the road barely breathing and hoping, hoping you believe it.

If they convince you..well the ride is good…in an illusion stance…not really.

Because it all falls apart and they are standing their naked..and that is the last thing they want.

Yet it is what happens.

So convincing you, that you are trash and you are so fortunate to have met them, so they can right the wrongs in you and tolerate you..well..that is better than them sticking their body part in an animal and calling it a day.

So as you back out and detox and start realizing that you do not have to look through a dirty crack in a window..and that the entire Grand Canyon is yours..

You notice things…

Like pictures…most enlightening.

Captions under pictures..

You are standing in a store and someone says something to you and you think…damn..that sure isnt what the meat suit said…

See what I mean.

My decision to get away from evil..and to fight for me..has been a revolution..

And I would not want it any other way..not for a second.

I am just seeing what I am..what my talents are besides the ones I already know..

Like I am a fantastic chef..I am a fantastic designer..I am an astounding seamstress..I am excellent in math..and excel at customer service and issue resolution..

I am freaking like the wind..and who knew this frame existed under all that shit he dumped on me.

And I just have seen how beautiful I brilliant my eyes captivating my smile is..and how happy I make people..

I realize that I am very easy to get along with..and people enjoy working with me..being on my team at work and other places..because I am kind and strong and highly organized.

Geez..ever wonder why we believed the meat suit..?

So I stand at 100 days..

And have done things I never thought possible.

Have done more in these 100 days than I have done in years.

And I know everything is a lie that came from him and his family..

And those masks and props they have used to suck people in to keep him distracted so they did not have to deal with him..are falling apart quicker than they can grab a marker and make another prop..

And they have a karma hanging on them for throwing that meat suit to innocents to have to deal with..

And now they have to deal with him 24/7…no matter if he has someone else or something else in his bed..or he is in their bed…its all imploding..

And you do not have to play detective..

When you tell the universe, God, Spirit..that you will not be evil and will separate from will be shown what you need to see..without any effort on your part…

You will see how amazing you are…

Because of how hard they beat on you to convince you that you are trash..

How they still are trying to get to you so you believe you are trash, so you come back..

And they will not stop..

And remember..trash does not play with is pointless..

They only send stupid texts to each other on planning ways to smear beautiful people..

They do not have calls discussing how wondrous their life is..

They talk about ways to silence to kill you..make you dead inside just like them..

And when you do not cooperate, they increase..

Pay attention..

Shit does not play with does not go to another variety of its kind and say hey..make me smell good..

They have to have something that smells good…basically not shit..

So understand..

If you are being pulverized by these meat suits, its because you are amazing…

And I am going to bet..beautiful, intelligent, kind, talented, and off the charts well outstanding.

And you know that everything they told you about another hurting get pity from you..well, they were the one doing the hurting and preyed on wounded souls..

Like the time I was told his girlfriend drugged him and made him go to a hotel room and have sex in front of people while they got their jollies..

Was instigated by him, not her and he probably drugged her up considerably, and she was beaten and shamed into doing it, cause he said it would be fun and a way to prove she loved him..

Or the having sex with men using no protection and “men” brutalizing him and then him having sex with so many women we lost count,  without revealing this piece of information..

Me thinks he was the one brutalizing men, women, dogs, children…which highly explains the what 5 surgeries now to keep things on a barely functioning level.

Ummm..none of these people that he said set him up and made him do these inhumane acts are around..they have nothing to do with him..ever wonder why..?

Ever wonder why he talked so poorly about everybody..?

Ever wonder why he said everybody failed him..?

Ever wonder why they constantly have to shower and they are constantly trying to get some stench off of them..?

Ever wonder why their homes are like the inside of a dumpster and you can never figure out what that smell is..?

It is evil..

Ever wonder why you cannot sleep…?

Ever wonder why…when you are with them you ache..and then when you are away from them for even minutes you feel like dancing..?

Ever wonder why they have constant health issues and they get bigger and bigger..

And you have no health issues..?

Ever wonder how before you would take off and go exploring…

And then suddenly you cannot get out of bed..?

Are you catching the drift here…

I have been clear 100 days..

Have done more in 100 days than I did in the almost 5 years I knew this meat suit..

Including 4 promotions…

And yes I will scream that from the mountain tops.

I am tired, but not from trying to ward off his blows or trying to clear my head…

I am tired from a good day at work, and taking a run..simple life actions..

I can lay my head down and rest knowing that today I made the world a little bit better..I put love out there..I increased life and did not diminish it..

I eat when I want and what I want and all those things the meat suit said I could not eat.

I take pristine care of this pollution..

And today I was told my smile was captivating..

And I will take that any day..

And I will never be silent..

And everything I was told I cannot do, I am doing and will do..and so will you..

We have been peeking through a small window, smudged with dirt..

Lies, hate and jealousy piled up on you…never yours to carry..

Go to the water…with your paper..even if its a notebook, filled with everything they lied about, everything they smeared you for, everything they stomped on your heart with, everything they told you you could not do or have…and set it on fire..and throw it away..

It is all a lie.

That simple.

That profane.

And it has no power.

Step out of their karma.

It is coming for them no matter what you do.

And it is fierce and angry.

And that is the last place you want to be.

You do not want to be associated with that.

You do not want to send the message out to God, Spirit, Universe that this is how you play.

Because that will burn holes in you.

And you have something to do this life..and it may not be clear right now..but it will..

Yet most of all…most of all..


Love yourself…you know how…you do..

The beginning..

The absolute best place to be..



•July 22, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Pictures tell fact..

Yet we wish they would tell a story..a story we want others to believe..rather than the fact.

And we cannot hide the fact(s) no matter how many interpretations of the pictures we give.

No matter how many words, descriptions, quick turning of the page we turn upon those observing.

If you look at a picture, the places, actions and events will unfold.

You will see who wishes the person next to them was not there.

You will see elbows used as buffers between bodies.

You will see the teeth smile..the one that says..”take the damn picture”.

You will see the body turned away from others, while opened to another.

You will see the head turned in sweetness to one and the neck tilted awkwardly away from another.

You can see who one loves and who one tolerates.

You will see arms around waists and smiles that light up the world…and you would have sworn they were blood..of the same family..but not.

You will see arms hanging along the body with forced capped smiles..and you would swear that was the enemy.

On each of these points you would be right.

One was not family..yet was family to the one all smiles, held closer than family.

People do not allow others to embrace them around the waist and pull them close, unless they love that person and hold them in high respect.

People place barriers like elbows and turning away to play the message of deep hatred and placing in a polite manner that they know the person they are turning away from..has lied to them, manipulated them, used them to hurt another.

And they want others to see the picture so they get the message. If they did not want the message blasted across the heavens, well they would make them private.

Pictures tell facts..

Not a story..


True smiles involve the eyes..and are unexpected and appreciated.

Fake smiles..ones of distress..reveal little teeth and hands guarding valuable places. or places invaded and have been told they are not of value.

So it seems the tables have turned against the tide…and the train is going a different direction.

It is not only those on the outskirts who show their hate, but the intimates who now blast to the world their desire to not be known or associated with this person.

The truth..always comes out.

And it is not really patience one needs to let the truth surface…because it always does..

One must simply..get out of the way..stop painting the room happy yellow when it really is vomit grey.

Stop cleaning up their messes.

Stop having inane circling the tree, like a dog chasing its tail, conversations where they feed you one more excuse so they can have one more day to do their filth.

Let it simmer, then bubble to the top.

Let it get in focus.

Help it to detox.

Move all the growling tigers and the flying trapeze out of the way.

Shut off the bright lights and listen and look.

Give it a moment..seconds really and the picture unfolds..facts appear.

All you have to do is look.

All you have to do is look.

All you have to do is look.


Think about it

•July 21, 2017 • Leave a Comment

The comeback is always stronger than the setback.

Soul Beat..Soul Repair..

•July 20, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I am of the mindset that we choose the path we have in our many and varied lives.

Of the believe we sign a contract of sorts and say…” I will do this, to learn this.

Most of life is about learning,

So 54 years ago I signed up for my dad and my siblings…

Realizing that in each and every moment of that walk, that choice I could decide which path I would follow.

Knowing I would learn in each and every endeavor.

And perhaps in some endeavors I would seek to not learn until a certain point.

Sort of like the 3 sees no evil, another speaks no evil, and another hears no evil.

My soul beating came early in my life..about the age of 1. My first memory comes of being in a walker, in the kitchen, looking at an open refrigerator, with some contents spilled out on the floor and muffled sounds from another room.

And being very scared.

The same house where I sat under the kitchen table eating dog food with our dog Two Bits, as she gently nudged bits to me, knowing the same as I that this was all there was.

I also thing in this choosing we also say, I will learn and from that knowledge I will go one of two directions.

I think most who know me..or know of me, or who have read my pieces know which way I will always be going.

Even at the world’s cost of losing my family..

I figured my soul was the greatest loss..and if I did not show that the path was not, drugs and rock and roll and our vanity..the ship was going down.

So in my childhood, after being in foster care and being told I was being returned to my father, I left. I lived a life of safety and joy, despite living on the streets.

I will forever view those 4 years as my greatest, happiest time. They allowed me to evolve into me. And it was my answer from the universe when I asked to be taken away from that monster labeled father.

I learned a lot about people..

Some things I would have cared to not know, but then I may not be the fighter I am today.

After the murder of my brother and watching them place his body in the ground and standing there in awe because he was watching the whole thing happen. My brother dead in the physical form, yet walking right beside me.

I met monster number grief and despair I walked right into the arms of charm, just like my father and I believed perhaps out of needing to be held…that he cared.

I should have known that something was up when he hid me when I got pregnant..something tells me he had been down that road before.

I guess I should have known better when 2 weeks before our son was to be born, he went to participate in a drinking and lets watch the rugby team be sucked off for lack of a better term, and he photographed it to show me while I was struggling through contractions.

I should have known better when he told me if I ever left he would destroy me and make my sons hate me..and he did..well make my sons hate me.

And the hardest part of that is watching your children face their karma..

You cannot stand in the way. If you deal with their karma and you bleed out and they let you.

Then monster 3..I have been 94 days NO CONTACT.

It has been a year and a half since I have been out of his space..the space that I know if I had walked through the doors one more time, I would have been locked in forever.

Me leaving told that evil…NO..if I had stayed and believed I could make that evil thing better..I would have been sucked into that house and a prisoner. And eventually my physical body would have given out, yet not before he had crapped and burnt deep holes in my soul.

And I am not up for that..never.

So 94 days ago I went on a quest..

To bring me back into focus.

Part of that is to learn what you have been dealing with.

So I have listened to hundreds of videos about these things..not human and yes 100% evil.

I have read books, articles, and personal accountants of these things.

And I am coming well into focus.

I was heavier..not fat or whatever term we ups in my body..stuck.

Hair flat and spindly, no depth, going grey really fast.

Skin bumpy and dry..dry..

Tired, so tired..crazy tired..



And seeing no purpose to go on..

Maybe that was the thing..but I think it was something else. I think it was me sitting there thinking…

“Why do these people want me silenced”?

And I thought I was all alone in this..

Why did they want me silenced?

I thought at first..perhaps it was because they wanted to hear only the voices that came from their children, siblings..about how wonderful they were for raping their sons and daughters.

And then I realized they wanted me to agree with go along for the show and believe that every dad had sex with his daughter and made babies..

That every man went around and stuck his body part into mens mouths and it was like brushing your teeth.

That every body sits in their recliner with enough alcohol to put out an elephant, jerking off to porn…

I mean duh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And after you process what has happened to you.

And what is still happening.

You decide your course of action.

And there be some who really do not like me breathing..

Well let me define that..they want me breathing as long as my breathe is what they feel as I am kissing their ass.


So since that is not my thing..

I chose me..

I chose light..and good..and love.

And some crazy things have happened.

Not one disaster, not one accident, not even a hangnail.

When I was with monsters, things would always be messing up, exploding, breaking, bleeding and everyone was so angry.

Now I have safety, plenty of food, money for every bill, good pay, promotions..

I’m like what..?

And first I dropped weight…I think it was all that crap coming out.

And then I leveled off..

For a bit there I looked like I was not eating…because I was trying to be you know accepted by someone I know…

Really its not cool to look like an 11 year old with fake boobies…we all know you starve dont look good, but you know that.

Now my weight is perfect for me..

My hair growing and thick and shiny…feel like I am in a commercial.

My skin..smooth, pink and soft like I sat in a vat of moisturizer.

And now my tired is from a good day at work..every day at work is good.

And sometimes I am tired from taking a run or walking..but that is from me pushing myself and challenging myself to be the healthiest I can be..

Not from someone pushing me off a cliff and then stepping on my fingers as I clung to the edge.

No more when my head hits that pillow I am out..

The only time insomnia hits is when well..I have to deal with stupid actions..

Like someone thought my life was disposable, so they told another where I work..and that idiot came and tried to see me and left me a note and did something else so I would have warm feelings running through my heart for them.

Well I dont..and neither does the police, nor the magistrate.

And if either of you idiots feel like getting up close and personal with a jail cell, do it again.

I am sure they could squeeze you in.

So I am back in focus…blurry around the edges..and just discovering what I am here to do..and what I really look like..

And that is the adventure I will stay on.

94 days..

94 days.

94 days

Soul Repair..because I care.

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