Thought..Thoughts..

•June 8, 2017 • Leave a Comment

” If they spit at you behind you’re back, it means you’re ahead of them”.

          Confucius

 

Pause…think about it..

And remember..you are not alone..you are deeply loved..you are deeply appreciated.

 

And were….at 50

•June 7, 2017 • Leave a Comment

This is my last post I am doing about the deviant/sociopath/pedophile/narcissist/etc/etc/etc/etc….

Literally could go on for pages as titles of the descriptions of truth about this person..this thing..

You may ask why..?

Time to cut the cords…

Stop the energy flow…

End this for me…

Because I am the only one that matters..

I did all that I was supposed to do with this person..

And every issue..situation I brought to officials has been dealt with and what needed to be done has been done..

Innocent parties and they are the two children…one born through her father and one born through her boyfriend…??

Not sure what to call a boy child who knows his about to be wife diddles her daddy…

50 days will make its entrance tonight at midnight…

50 days of no contact…

Not minimal contact or grey rock or anything but done…

The feeling…the feeling…

IS MIND BLOWING PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!

It did not feel this good of a release..a safe haven..a security blanket wrapped around me…even when my children were born…(and that is a story for another time)…

I have never in my life experienced so much joy and tickle me purple peace…ever..

And you may ask..why did I stay and persist for almost 5 years…go ahead ask…

We as beings are incredibly fragile…and incredibly strong…so powerful…

Yet you have to remember how that power is used…

And how that fragility is used…

I come from abuse…abusive marriage..and abusive sons…

Same story a lot of people have…

I am not making news here…

It is the scenario that happens when you decide your life is valuable…

Contrary to what you have been told…

So in my fragility…my father…attempted to destroy me, along with my siblings..

And in our fragility we took to heart the cruel words he used to describe us…and the cruel acts he did to us..they marked us..

Some defined their life by them…and some fought..

I have discovered my strength is way more powerful than most anything…

I stand here..with no illness…no disease..no mental health issue..nothing..nada..perfect health…

53 and run 6 miles 6 days a week..like the wind baby…

I am incredibly kind, generous, compassionate, empathetic(why I was chosen), beautiful and freaking intelligent..

Talented seamstress and writer..chef..creative like nobody’s business..and received 2 promotions in 7 weeks of work..

On the other side of the coin..each abuser is deathly ill..fighting diseases from their actions…and KARMA is coming a calling…

And bonus..I get to see it…would have been fine if I did not…but I do..

Yet my fragility had me believing that I could help these types of people…but we cannot…we can help people or rather aid people who make honest mistakes…not those who deliberately perpetuate acts of evil against as many people as they can..even their own children…

You really do not want me to go on about their acts…

It is worse and more evil the Saw 1-6…or how many there are…

So that is why we stay and persist…

We do not believe them..we think we can help…

And we CANNOT…

These are evil…evil..evil beings..

And God and this universe will have their way with them…

Do not let that keep you up at night…

That is not our job…

Protecting innocent beings and speaking up against evil acts and protecting yourself…

Yep our job…

So my fragile…yet so strong heart..loves me…and walked away..

Threw everything away that had anything to do with him…

And now I cannot even remember what the crap was…funny how that happens..

And ends this chapter forever..

And when I closed the door…

Something walked in…from the other door I was not even looking at…

LOVE…

No more energy to the disgusting man and his family…

No more time…

Nothing…

No wondering…no hoping…nothing…

I am drawing a blank here…

Nothing…

It is done…

And I am the only one who decides that…

Anyone up for cake and ice cream…?

Promotions always deserve a party….

 

48 DAYS

•June 6, 2017 • Leave a Comment

48 days…and a cause for celebration…

And a boisterous one at that..

48 days of silence..

48 days of no lies, tricks, harm to come upon this being…

All wishes for me to fall on my face and go splat…

Have been handed back to you…

48 days of sheer bliss…

And I thought the word bliss was meant for chocolate ice cream…

Boy was I wrong…

Bliss is for the peace of knowing you have removed evil from your life…

48 days of being solid..and alive and true..

Sitting in the sunlight..

Not waiting in a darkened room to understand your drunken slur..

Or giving you time..my precious time…

I took it all back…

48 days of something I cannot put words to..

So happy..so much joy..so much peace..so much truth..

So much knowing..you cant touch me..

48 days and counting..

Soon it will be 60..then 80..then 100..

And soon enough I wont be counting..

I count now to remind myself of how amazing I am…how much strength is contained in this 125 pound frame..

I am still counting because every day I shed another skin..another image you placed on me like clothing…

And every day I look at it..pull it off and burn it…

Because that is what you do with hate..deceit..games..havoc..and evil…

You throw it in the fire..and it burns quicker than anything I have ever seen burn…

Because they have no substance..

They have no life..

They are like that drink you take and take and take to produce a shadow of sleep..

A numb for 30 seconds to tell you that you do not smell..

48 days..

While you burp..fart..and giggle at the child you made with your daughter..

48 days and I am just beginning…and you are 48 days closer to the final chorus..

48 days 48 days 48 days

And its done..

I got this…right on time

•June 5, 2017 • Leave a Comment

 

I had a sense..an inkling that someday it…

It being LOVE would come this way..

Not in the lies, deceit, illogical actions that we have come to know as love..

Yet it is not..

What I found..has presented itself..at the right time…

Not right on time..or because I had to suffer to see what love is…

Such bullshit..

Like I have to know dark to see light..

I must suffer to know joy..

I must fail..to have success..

And lets not get into my definition of failure…it is not negative..

I must have hate to know love…

The opposite of love is indifference…

Love is all in…

Not up to the chin or testing the waters for the right temperature…

But all in..even the fingertip reaching for the safety of the shoreline..

That you never leave…

All in..with no doubts..that is how it feels…

Not with hesitancy..or questions about the integrity of the words this person speaks..

Yet knowing…

Love is all in..parade float and all..

Hate which is seen to be the opposite of love…is fear..cleverly disguised as anger..wanting to make someone go away…painfully because they saw our lack of integrity..

Indifference cares not whether you breath again or not..no waiting around to see if the wound heals..if you have band aids and first aid ointment…

OR..

If you create another story to delay the inevitable…

Lie to get the attention off you and onto another you just lied about..

Indifference will watch you gasp for your last breathe and then step over you..

Hate will have you crawl after the oxygen mask and give you little puffs just to see you linger awhile longer..

See the difference..

So when LOVE enters a life..you know it…you just do..

And now I just do..

I did not get swallowed up in time..

Or pretending that I had suffered enough to now get LOVE…

Because in the reality of things..I had and have it quite excellent..

I could have gotten stuck in my marriage and most likely be disabled or dead…

The condition that will most likely happen to my children’s partners..

I could have gone back to my father from the foster home and played along with the scenario that my father was just misunderstood…

If I did that I would more than likely be dead or wishing I was..

But I looked at something over the shoulder of the voices speaking and well set out on my own..

I could have in my last engagement of a sort of relationship[..believed the lies upon lies and ignored the evidence piling up around me..and be sucked into the vortex of deviancy this world subscribes to..

But I did not..

I like being out of the way when another person’s karma comes a calling..

And I knew if I did not flee..literally..the house would lock me inside and death would soon come way before its time…

That is what happens when you give time to sick people..you get viewed as wanting to play in their shit…and get shot down the chute of poop one cannot describe..

So weeks have passed..and I have detoxed…in so many ways…so many ways..

First my sleep changed…all I could do was sleep…

Then I ate everything in sight…

Stopped working out…

Body got all congested…

And then I said…I want to see me…

Meditation came in..

Started walking miles after working 10 hour days…

Then running…speed drills..like I was 18 again..right before my brother was murdered and I was left alone..

Then I started draining…nose was like the damn had busted..

Then all extra weight that disguised my original form and features started coming off..

Ate what I liked..what made this form work…

My eyes went grey 24/7…unusual..

And I saw me..

And the one thing in my life..that was missing..

Not me loving…but being loved..

The last time that had happened was the LOVE my brother Glenn gave me..right up until his murder..

That is why I halted all grieving of him..

It was only sliver of LOVE known and it had gone away when they placed him in the earth..

That was my example..my brother Glenn…

Until now..

Being loved is not magical or being made to feel like a princess or queen..or getting a big shiny ring showing the world you are wanted..or better said..have just been bought..

It is just like the song I posted…

It is being scared for whatever reason…and being held tight and being told..your feelings are real and a drink..drug..or sex will not make it better…

Only LOVE will and the strong arms of LOVE will care for you..

It is being given a hand when I fall…and not being told 100 ways I could have prevented this…

It is not being told..come on everybody does this..why you being so difficult..

It is having that person walk the narrow path..the overgrown path..that few visit..with you..right next to you..

It is that person who asks you what would you like…

Not demanding that you fit your wants and needs to their selection of three…

It is hearing the voice that says we will be great…when you want to walk away from your 9 to 5…knowing you are burnt out and need a bubble bath and a day off..

Not telling you that you screwed up the finances and are trouble like we all know you are…which when you ask for supporting evidence there is none..

LOVE came..

And it is all those things and none of those things..

It is everything and then it is nothing..

It is clanging symbols..and then it is the cry you refuse to hear..

It is ceasing to think…what am I doing wrong again..?

And knowing you are doing everything right..

It is light and stillness and shadows playing off the walls in the room lighted by the hallway glow..

It is in some..and dead in others..

It is what was given and then some have thrown away..

It is here for me…

I sought it out and did not stop my journey..even when I was given dirty..deceitful definitions of it..

It is mine…even if it exists until tomorrow..it is here..it is mine..

IT is well…LOVE..

A little funny

•May 30, 2017 • 1 Comment

Eating cherry and orange popsicles till my tongue is a rainbow…

Life is so wonderful…

Despite the bumps..hard work..

Yet commitment and self care maturing into self love..

Makes me laugh till I feel like I cannot breath…

And I pause as I finish the last of the cherry popsicle and words are upon the stick…

And I laughed…

Because I finally feel the statement..bumper sticker..t-shirt cliche…

” Life is Good”..

And here it goes…the joke of course…or riddle with an answer…

“If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?”

“BAGELS”

Now that is a chuckle worthy of applause…

Be well my friends…

Love shall always prevail.

•May 28, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I have been reading quotes..thoughts…all which point the barrel down the sight line…and come to one conclusion…

The only way one can know love is through the absence of love…

?????????????????…

The only way one can be light is by first partaking of the dark…

??????????????????????…

The only way one can have compassion is by first being put through torment…

??????????????????…

The only way one can appreciate the sunshine is through standing in a lot of rain…

????????????????…

The only way one can appreciate another is through loss…

??????????????????…

Um, I call bullshit..

And no I will not apologize for my words…

You either do or you do not…

So the thoughts stated above imply..suppose that in order for me to admire the blue sky and sunshine is because I had my head shoved into a mud puddle with bolts of lightening and roaring thunder…

So now I appreciate..understand the twittering birds..the blue blue..the bright warming sun..

And if I complain or speak that the sun is a bit too hot…I am silenced with…it could be worse…some people do not have any..

The constant comparison of the have’s and the have not”s..

The constant…it could be worse…

The constant…well dont you appreciate the food now because you were starved..?

Yea…NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I understood the value of food and that everyone deserves it…well into being starved by my father and food used as a weapon of cooperation in my marriage..and my sons stating that I was not acceptable..so I received leftovers..if there were any…

I knew long before my dad made his children go days with mere droplets of food..and my sons letting me know that I could eat, but they ate first…that food was important and it was deserved..not earned through unattainable measures…

I lived in a space with a man..and to eat..I had to sell my clothes and my sewing machine and fabrics that I had for over 15 years so I could eat..

I knew we lived in an upside down world..

I knew that we had things way backwards…

And that everyone knew that there was plenty and enough for all..but those who operate in brutality..decided who got what..if any..

I do not have to be beaten..to know the comfort of a hug..

And yes I have been beaten and no..I have not known the comfort of a hug..

I do not have to lose someone I love to understand grief and how it affected me..

When my brother was murdered..I understood that his death was painful for him and me…and it could not be soothed by comments suggesting he was in a better place..or God needed another angel…

Tell me how does that ease the suffering…?

It doesn’t…so why is it shoved down our throats and if we do not agree..well let the games begin…

I do not need to have drought to understand streams of water…

I do not have to be able to understand and comfort unless I have had crisis upon crisis in my life…

It is already there within me.. within all of us…

It is a choice to utilize it…

It is like smoking..drinking..whatever…

You say you want to stop…then stop…

Patches, pills, potions, gum…are just another means to the thing you still really dont want to do..

And then you get angry at those committed to not doing those things..choosing different paths…

WHY..?

I don’t have to drink to know I don’t want to drink…

I don’t have to smoke to know I don’t want to smoke…

I did not have to lose my brother..siblings..children..friends to understand grief and to mourn…

And even if I never had those losses…I would still have grief..compassion..sympathy..empathy…

I do not have to have dark to see light…both are present..

I did not have to have sour to taste sweet…both are present…

All is present..

In every moment..every act…

I choose…like you choose…

So the next time someone says to me…

It could be worse…

Or appreciate what you have…someone does not have it…

I think I might return the words like this…

Yes it could be worse..but damn it could be so much better..and it sucks that it is not…because there is no reason it should be this bad..

And I do appreciate it…whatever it may be…but guess what…

Nobody should be eating garbage when we live in a country that throws away so much food…because there is so much food and we are wasteful…aww we are wasteful…

Nobody should be homeless…when we have more housing than we know what to do with..we just believe some deserve things and some do not…

And it all comes down to who you think is acting right…

And I don’t act right…ask my sons..they will tell you..

This becomes a joke…

When we refuse to entertain the thoughts that people grieve..suffer…laugh and smile…and within us we carry the means to ease all suffering…

We cannot stop death…and such…

But there is a lot we can cease…change..renew…

So we do not mutter to the one on the corner…

Smile..it could be so much worse….

Really…????????????

Easy to say…with your Iphone..drinking in your air conditioned Escalade…

Your right…it could be so much worse…

I have to listen to you…

 

 

Obvious

•May 26, 2017 • Leave a Comment

There is no greater test of a person’s heart than..

Them stating to you..they got this..

They are going to do this..

Without anyone watching..responding..doing it for them..keeping them on track..

In that moment you will see..

The true heart..the true motive..the true intention..

The How..Why..When..Where..and all the others..

Start counting..

5..4..3..2..1..

Intent..

 
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