Sleep

•May 11, 2017 • Leave a Comment

The most highly underrated needs of a human being…or any being…

Sleep deprivation is one of the greatest weapons used by abusers…

Sleep deprivation is the leading cause of addiction and abuse of substances…

From food..sex..alcohol..drugs..exercise..

Sleep deprivation is the greatest and most profound control mechanisms towards a being…there ever will be..

Think back through history…

Prisoners of war…were allowed to sleep little…and in very unkind conditions…and if out of pure exhaustion they nodded off..they were brutalized..

Resulting in frail..anxious..delusional..coiled up in angst beings…

Which makes for a horrendous lifestyle..

So most of my life I have labeled…and I hate that word…yet I have labeled myself as an insomniac…

I am not an insomniac…I am a being who has been brutalized her entire life and lots and lots of it happened at night…

First with my father…

Always brutalized his children at night…so each and every one of us…all six..were prepared at night to be hurt…

resulting in no sleep..no point were are body was relaxed..allowed to uncoil..brain constantly working on how to survive the next event..and heart constantly trying to make sense of it..

Move forward..homeless..living on the streets of Tacoma and Seattle Washington..happy as happy can be…

Why..?

I am on my own..and nobody can hurt me…I learned the fine art of self survival..at the age of 3 learning that dog food was the only thing on the menu…so eat it…

Move forward..get married…learn that I am not allowed…and violence comes in the night…no sleep…

I gain weight..and spend all my time defending myself..in every manner possible…

Divorce..learn to sleep again…and that is all I will say about that…

Now after a troubling…(nice word for it)..relationship…sleep deprivation, among other things have been used as a weapon…

So I am asked…”are you sure you saw that”…”are you sure of that”..over and over again…

And of course being told I am wrong my entire life…well…I……

Doubt…

But then something happened…

Just like it happened as a child…

Just like it happened as a young adult…

Just like it happened in my marriage…

Just like it happened in the relationship…that was not really a relationship…

I got wide awake…

So wide awake…I had no choice but to see everything…

And feel everything…

I could not dismiss a thing…

Like why am I ready to fight…?

Hmmmm…

Why am I forming myself into a ball so you cannot hit the vunerable body parts…?

Why am I gaining weight…?

Why am I losing weight…?

Why do I not want to eat…?

Why am I living off of Mountain Dew and crackers…?

Hmmmm….

Why do I see this diseased person in the mirror…?

Why am I allowing myself to be talked to a certain way..treated a certain way…and why am I agreeing…

And why am I seeking approval from some really ugly human beings…who spend their lives doing criminal acts every second of every day and like it…?

Sleep deprivation…

Because it fed all my insecurities…

It fed every lie I held up to myself…

It fed them…and killed me…

Yet recently…I got sleep…sleep that you have where you wake up…and you are in a fog…and you..just go away again in a blanket of peace…

That type of sleep…

And when you get that sleep…you want more…

And so you figure out..why and how do I make this happen…

Step one…

Gather the fools in your life…and dump them in the trash…

Go look in the mirror and see what you really look like…

Not like some quote tells you…but ask the Universe for a view into how you really present into this world…

You will be surprised…

I realized I scare people…

Because even though I am searching to be comfortable in my skin…I am close so close…I am quite secure and know what I am…

And it aint what the fools try to convince me I am…it is what the fools say…because in that statement..they speak truth…

That is why they spend so much time trying to dig me my grave and silence me…

Because they believe that if they convince enough drug addicted..porn addict..spread your leg deviants…paid off with cash children.. that I am crazy..I must be..and I will believe it..because the consensus says so…

And I realized that I have to love myself…and until I love myself and do acts of self love…I will not have love…

I will keep getting the worlds twisted view of love…which we know is not love..but hey it controls many people…

So after spending some time with people who actually love me..and doing some very simple acts of self love..and looking at why I did not do them before and why I thought that way…

I GOT SLEEP…

Out like a light in a coma…

And done by simply laying down…

And not giving time to a single lie…

Yet total self love…

And realizing that I had been giving time to “Family”…listening to them because well they are family…right..?

Family some of the most poisonous toxic people I have ever met…people who would prefer me being homeless and hungry…so I accept their twisted life..or I bow at the feet of my ex and state how fortunate I was to have someone like him..rescue this damsel in distress…

I have to laugh with that…

Because my ex without a woman or children taking care of him…can barely dress…

Sorry but truth needs to be stated…

I when I am not spending time or giving energy to these people can find me…

To know that I must do something creative every day..whether cooking..sewing..teaching..writing..taking a longer run..trying a new expression…

It must be done…

or I do not sleep…

And I cannot give my energy to toxic people…I spent way too much time doing that…

I have to look in the mirror every day and see me…and what I really look like…

Right now I look like a librarian wearing a sarcastic tee shirt…

In about 20 minutes I will look like the athlete I am taking my run…

I have to do my mornings…whenever they come about..with what is best for me…

I must eat what suits this person..not you..

And I must realize that when somebody defines me..in an attempt to control me..so I stay with them and feed their sickness and hopefully their sickness will rub off on me and I will get sick…

Is a liar…and they are threatened by me…and are speaking truth about themselves…

So listen and pay attention…

So who would rather you sleep and rest this wonderful and fearfully made frame…

OR..

Who would prefer you hang with them..drink and do deviant acts..feed a sickness and try to make you believe you are seeing things and not rest..and then get up and take care of them…

You know the answers…

The question I asked myself…

Why am I still believing them…?

And well now I can rest…

I think I will take INSOMNIAC off my resume…

 

 

Week 1| Self-Love

•May 7, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Kindness Challenge…
Be part of it..I am…
Self Love is the beginning…share your thoughts and join…

The Richness of a Simple Life

Attention Kindness Challenge participants!

In this post, you’ll find:

  • this week’s  theme prompt & exercise
  • a screensaver for this week’s theme
  • the reflection post prompt questions

View original post 708 more words

When a lie(s) become your life

•May 5, 2017 • 1 Comment

What is this..this lie..made reality..?

If I say it enough times does that make it true..real…?

What is true..? What is real..?

An example is needed…

Addiction…a repeated lie told to the heart enough times..the heart..the soul of a being..wrapped and encased in bones, muscles, nerves, blood flowing, organs propelling forward within the skin..operated by life…believes it needs the “thing” the addiction.

If I take it away…what happens..?

Detox..

Withdrawal..

Angst…

Demand for the supply to return..

A belief wrapped like a candy bar of a lie..

How did the lie became a fact..a truth..

Repeated exposure causes repeated compounding..reinforced belief..results suit use….a lie becomes real..

Yet, why does my heart hurt so..?

Why does my physical body…want to do things we normally would not even consider doing..to obtain that lie..?

Why do I hide the evidence…?

Why does the body revolt…and look like well a skank…?

Why will I give a zillion justifications for it..?

Why does a lie become truth..reality..

More examples…

I have not spoken to or seen face to face my sons in eight years..

Why..?

I am uncooperative…

I did not like their daddy punching me in every way possible…

I did not like being used as a slave…

I did not like being told…

It was okay that I was homeless…or..went hungry…or that I was replaceable..

Yet I became all of those things..

So if a child..of any age tells themselves one or the other parent is not doing what the other parent wants…they are allowed to be destroyed…

Because one walks around supporting a lie..to accomplish an action..to destroy another person..

For…

Not cooperating…

So someone else..gets to be called mom..

And I get to look at my stretch marks…walk the parade grounds through my memories of raising those boys..being their life force..their cook..their maid..their teacher..their nurse..their hope..

And swallow it…

Because of a lie..

But I wont…

Not now not ever…

I speak the truth..even if it means…another gets a name..she does not deserve..

Even if it has me standing on the outside of the bubble…

Because there is a lot of us..really good souls..standing on the outside of the bubble..

Those who work so hard…we do not know how to sleep anymore..

And every penny we earn..we earned through truth..

Not having someone line my pockets with cash…for turning your mother over and screwing her up the ass…

Sound familiar boys…?

I sure hope so…I know so..

At the bare minimum…I know the pillow I lay my head on..I earned..

And not through telling a child that their mother is trash..or defective because she had a really bad childhood…

Not through telling others that your mother believes things other than you…other than the “christian ” mentality…

So she must be a sinner…going to hell…

Hey sunshine…I lived through hell…there aint nothing that can top my father…

And you have to believe in hell and/or heaven and I do not…

Nor do I have a belief that your lie..creates me..

I scare you..and that I will take…

Anyone that you lie to..or lie about..scares you…they threaten you…and they have no idea..but they will..I do..

I realize that my ex husband..is scared of me..so he has to shut me down..he has to make the boys believe that mommy is a bad bad person…and of course he gives them cash..that always helps…

I know a certain man..who has sex with his daughter and made a baby…is terrified of me..so he lies…

My strength, my ability to go toe to toe with Goliath’s is shocking…

It is so much easier to drink the drink, smoke the smoke, take the pill, call someone something they are not, taunt them, malign them, lie about them, hide from them..

Secure your life with pictures that speak lies..

Because we all know life is just like Facebook and Instagram..

Keep putting the pictures up…they only confirm what everyone already knows…

And those who have been tossed aside..wait..but not in stillness..not in hiding…

Because what is the saying..the quote…

” the truth always comes out..and usually at the most inconvenient time”..

Such an accurate statement..

I do not write this for a reunion..or an apology..

Why would I expect that…?

I know how far down the death path many people have gone..

I move forward…each moment..and be something I knew from a very early age…

A VOICE…

For those who cannot speak…

Because they have been drugged to silence…

Shamed through inhumane acts done to that spirit…

Or those murdered and their voice is lost in the Puget Sound..

And those used as a rag for another’s pleasure..sickness and their body was forced to create lives that they never wanted and are forced to love, even though they are not in their sight line…

And yes denying someone is your mother is an inhumane act…

We better get our britches on straight..because it is..

And when that comes a calling..I do not want to be anywhere near that..

I know who I am and what I have done with this life..this cherished life…

And I aint dawdling…

And I aint wasting my time believing your lies…

The latest and greatest trend our world supports..the martyr…

I withdraw my life force from anything that is not truth…

I do not need vengeance..or apologies..

I let life..move into life..and see those trees get taller…

And I allow death to come where death is supported..

I do not sit in the sandbox..

I do not give excuse..

I am either what you say I am..

OR..

What I really am..

And for some of you…

It is time for a new dictionary..

And lets just say…

I aint holding my breathe..

Dis…ease

•May 1, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I do not have a disease and do not know it.

You have a disease and think you do not.

Great quote..runs along the same lines..as this..

” Those who constantly question themselves..are some of the finest, loving beings on this planet…”

” Those who never question themselves and their actions do not give them pause, and believe they are better than others…”

Are the most diseased on the planet…

I think I have a disease..an issue..yet I do not..

My only issue being that I question myself to brutality…especially when I am around someone who relishes in abuse..

Abuse is a disease of choice…and along with that follows such issues of sexual deviancy..alcohol abuse..addictions..and spending every ounce of energy you have on creating an illusion..lies and destruction of anyone who questions you or says..Hey…

Abuse comes about because another recognizes a person in a weakened state…

Do not take that wrong and decide to go behind a wall and make a fortress..

You do not need all the walls..if you learn to speak the truth about abuse and who is abusing..

And yes I agree and know how hard it is when you are being literally smacked about the building..I was for many years…

And for some oddball reason..after I got out of it…a number of years later I stepped back into it..

Not because I have boundary issues or because I am a weakened fawn…

But because I refused to acknowledge the truth..right in front of me…

And I believed the lies and that I would burn in hell if I pointed the finger at the abuser…

You know the verse…” judged not lest you be judged”

Well honey bring it on..

If I am to judge (assess) a situation or person to decide if this is love..hate..or indifference happening..why should I not expect it back…?

And why would I not relish in getting it back…?

Is that not wisdom…ummmm…yes…

So you got me there…

The more and more I refuse to accurately describe a situation..person..the more and more I am lying to myself and throwing my pearls before swine to trample underfoot..

I am stating that I have no value..

I am stating that I am a dumb blonde..

I am stating that I have the dis..ease..and I do not..

I know..blue..green..yellow and red..

I know 1plus 1 equals 2 each and every time..

just like I know sticking my finger in a light socket creates an electric volt that can mess with my entire central nervous system..

Yet why do I spend hours..days..years telling myself profound lies..?

Conditioning…

Now breath…please..

Conditioned to question ourselves and believe that those who surround us have the best of intentions for us…

Why..?

So we do not question authority..

So we become like one of the masses…

Control..absolute power..

Mindsets that have been pushed into you in a million ways..until you act like a robot over and over again…it is easy work..

Watch how easy it is…

Go into a restaurant and witness two people who are working in that restaurant…

See the one with the hair nice and tidy..no special colors…white button down shirt, ironed and clean pants…light makeup..a good smile..simple stud earrings…etc..etc…you get the point…

Now the one with blue in their hair..and a stud in the nose…shirt not a button up but a pullover t-shirt..pants not ironed..and a tattoo peeking around the collar..

Who do you want to serve you..?

Who do you assess to be the cleaner, kinder, best option…?

First description wins out every time…

Now you assessed…but you assessed from lies and conditioning…instead of looking at the person..

You looked at the packaging…rather than viewing the details..

So when you see the not quite put together person…you imply..they are ummm…damaged in some way..

Yet you look at the composed person and think…they good…

Why?

The question nobody wants to answer…

And no one questions…

No one steps back and says..why are they dancing so hard..? Why are they changing the subject…? Why will they not answer a question about what they did today..? Why did I just have my ass handed to me for giving a shit..?

Why…

If I was to pause and go back three decades…when I met my ex husband..or former spouse…

I would have seen a lone man standing at the bar, leaning and drunk. Scoping out the weakest fawn in the building…the one he could insult..and well make his own..the one to live off of..take advantage of..make them believe he was doing them a favor by his presence..

News flash..you do nobody a favor or good for them when you believe people should appreciate you because well you got this…

If I was to pause and go back almost 5 years in a class…

I would notice a man with a red face..weary eyes and telling me that my scholarship was a way women got free rides even though they were stupid..

I would have noticed that he could not hold a job..smelled..and things did not add up ever…

And if he was late for class..could not do the work..or did not show up at all..it was my fault..I was accountable for him…just like the ex..

So why did I give them time…?

Conditioning..

I was told not to judge..assess..put a critical eye to the situation and person…

And each of those words are positive words..

Judge..

Assess..

Critical..

They will save your life..

They will save your life…

They will save your life..

Instead of being polite to spare another’s feelings…

Pause..are they considering your feelings or safety…?

It is like getting in a car with a drunk person driving and thinking..they got this..they do not mean to harm me..possibly..our children will be fine..the swerving is just because he feels so good…ahhh..okay..

Thinking I have the dis..ease..is a lie..

Knowing through judgement..assessment..and critical viewing…shows me different..

I am not the one hiding alcohol bottles in the dog food..

I am not the one driving my children around in a van when I have been drinking..

Yet I am the one that just pushed the stop button..not the pause button..the STOP…

If I had done that..maybe..just maybe..and highly likely I would not be in recovery..would not have to focus so much attention on not giving those things so much attention right now..

Yet I will cover this with grace..and smile..because I am not them..and I never will be..

I will never say..tomorrow I will stop drinking..stop smoking..stop lying…

I will say this…

I will not lie..first and foremost to myself so that I can swallow some conditioned belief about myself or others..because it always begins with me..

I will not take anything at face value or ignore the show happening in front of me and believe I need to be part of the cast..I will deny myself that role..

I will focus everyday on doing this moment..with recognition of what I really am…

Not in recovery…Not in dis..ease..

 

 

Something Harder

•April 24, 2017 • Leave a Comment

Conversations and observations have brought me to ther point of sheer and utter….

Screaming at the top of my lungs…

And then a pause…

Banging my head on the wall..hoping..hoping..praying…the last stop before being pushed off the cliff…

The pit stop before the fall..

And this time I am enjoying the fall…

Today I was told I have rage…

And my polite answer back was…you have never seen my rage…

Only one person on this planet has witnessed my rage…

And that would be my father…

Many people say…anger is bad…

I dont know..I think complacency and turning your eye away..is the crime…

if someone is angry…they just might be awake enough to know that something either with them or someone else is just not right…

I have seen anger because one has been called on the carpet…for their lies and actions…

And I have seen the liar..fly into the insanity of spit spewing from their mouth as to…”No big deal..GEEZ..”

And that is where anger steps in…

And we will encounter many people who will say, we should not be angry when one encounters another who is lying, lying, lying and still expects you to play with them…even as you see bodies lying about the room, that you have to step over..

Should I be happy?

Should I be sad?

Should I forgive and forget?

Should I offer the other cheek?

Why are we so willing to beat the crap out of Trump for lying but accept it in our personal relationships..?

Perplexing at best…

OR…

Am I to recognize that there is a sickness…a disease…and the liar wants the disease to be mine…?

Or forgive and forget…

Turn the other cheek…

And how many times..?

How many deaths..?

How many tongues cut out…?

How many surgeries…?

How many apologies…?

How many roses..band aids..chocolate bars..sweet kisses and I Love You’s will do..?

Anyone have an answer….?

How many times do I have to hear…Help Me…please help me to stop drinking…how many times do I allow myself to be used like a dildo from the reality store of misconceptions and ideals..?

How many..?

How many times does my life…my precious life..have to be put on the line…

Till I am one of the bodies lying on the floor..?

Till death do us part…?

My untimely death of course…?

Because now I am in a better place…?

The harder thing…really is this…

Knowing that this world says…

After I have been raped, abused, molested, my innocence stolen from me, stolen from, all that I worked for taken away because someone who made a promise got in a bad mood because I did not act right, used as a hole, children turned against me..but not before they got a few kicks in, spending my life wondering if I will one day get sick..

That I am not allowed to be angry..

Because why..?

Because anger makes you do what..?

Remove people from your life that are trying to kill you…

Or..

Not be played with like a cat toy..

Or…

Speak the truth…

Oh yes…if I remove a liar..a thief..an abuser…well then I am not available for abuse…I am not available for you to use me..

Because if I believe I should turn the other cheek, for you to pummel another blow upon it…I am always available for you slander..

And thinking that your dead ass that smokes, drinks, uses people like holes is my fault…

Am I close…I think I hit the target…

And no..I get nothing..

I do not get glee, that another has chosen to drink over having me around..

I get nothing…

I got nothing from last words with my father..words I had spoken to him a million times..

And got nothing..

Not even a false”I am sorry”…

And I hear it now…you should not expect anything…

Why..?

I am to forgive and forget the brutal rape of my father…daily to all his children..including his sons…

Umm…can I watch while you try to forget…and then attempt to muster up that forgive part…?

Is that what we say to the parents, the mothers, the wives..of the black men we slaughtered…?

Because they are angry and are defending themselves…

Because we do…

We say cute little things like Chill…they had no idea what they were doing…it was a mistake..

Mess up once that is a mistake..keep doing it..that is a decision…

And then back to our cell phones,,our drink we just cannot put down..and believe that one was in the wrong place at the wrong time..that her skirt was too short or her pants too tight..or that the child was not wanted, so I can throw it in a dumpster..or I can handle the car, I mean I just had a few beers…or that I am not the Proverbs 31 wife and mother..or that my skin is the wrong color..and that I deserve to die..OR..OR..OR…etc.

See people we have been led down a dark road…

And we blissfully following it..with the people who would rather send a text than pay attention to the fact they are driving..

We are dealing with stinking death…wrapped up in pretty advertising…and we salivating…and cannot wait to get our hands on the next greatest thing they tell us is important..

So here goes…

Im pissed…

I am angry..and it is seeping into rage..

And I aint gonna try and make it go away..

Sorry if I offend..but not really…

But playing with death and making precious life like a piece of tissue paper I just used on my ass..is not where I play..

So call me what you will…I will wear each and every label with pride…

Yes, I am angry..I am pissed..

But understand something…

Your dead…just a corpse walking the planet with a cell phone glued to your hands..

And I am not…

I am a life force..you cannot extinguish..

For one simple reason…

My anger..

 

The hardest thing…

•April 24, 2017 • Leave a Comment

The hardest thing ever…the deepest wound…the most difficult assault upon this heart we take so for granted…

Is to love another who has chosen death in a million small ways..over the love of you…

To hear my voice..beseeching for another moment when they are fully present with you…

Moments are rare, yet you would give your soul to have one more moment…one more exchange of words..despite them being rolled in anger..weeping in tears..

The hardest thing, I have ever tasted is the tears running down my face, knowing that was the last conversation..you will ever have…

Until you read the obituaries and see their death warrant in black and white depicting a person’s life in a few small sentences…

Hoping you can hold your tongue to those who have watched this person you love, drink themselves into their final coma..knowing that they could have stopped them, long before you stepped into the picture…

Realizing that 12 step groups do not work, because they never talk about WHY…damn them…

And rehab, in my little ability to smile these moments..I chuckle…strip them raw and then send them out to sea with a pack of chewing gum and a strainer…

The hardest thing ever…is watching someone you love bury themselves a hundred times a day…doing everything you can to show them there is a reason to put the alcohol down, do not get in that car, put the pill in the toilet and flush and please oh please do not let your body be used as a hole..for another to get off on…oh please..

The hardest thing is thinking..your love is enough..that maybe they will choose you..but they do not..

They choose alcohol..pills..porn..and letting their body be used like a hole…and then try to use your body like a hole..

The hardest thing…is staying angry when everyone tells you to CHILL..

The hardest thing is trying to forget..this is an illusion…a good one indeed..perfected…

The hardest thing is holding on to the person, the being..the life breathing under all those lies they try to sell you…

The hardest thing is telling yourself they mean nothing…as you weep yourself to sleep..

The hardest thing is staying away..holding your breath..wanting to hold them so close to you, like they are under your skin..and believe your touch is enough..

The hardest thing is believing you are enough…and then knowing your not..

The hardest thing is waiting..waiting..

Until it comes…and you know…you are not enough..and never will be..

And how many times do you need to be told…you are not good enough..

But this time, you let it sink in…

The hardest thing…

 

Hold

•April 7, 2017 • Leave a Comment

A hold…a hug..

Same, similar, each in it’s place..

I feel the difference.

I hear the difference.

I taste the difference.

I voice the difference.

The hug welcomes, perchance a greeting. An acknowledgement of knowing.

It can be measurable. It can be contained. It can represent.

Hug..Hold..

Hug can cause a smile, wipe away a tear, give greeting to the next space, the next sentence.

The hold..the whispered ache of what is engaged.

Hold approaches..lightly traces from the hand to the shoulder. Petals of rain lingered from one place to the next.

The eye release, the shy speculation, the thought of what the hand, the arm, the shoulder may contain.

And knows what it contains.

Space, air between, timid expectation, wanted or pushed aside.

Steps falter, unsure, quizzical look upon the furrowed brow.

A sigh, a release, an acceptance of what is next.

Space cleared, thoughts interrupted, an opening to the moment that has been closed..off..boarded up and nailed closed.

Sideways turn, wrist grasped as one turns to flee..the closeness..

One can not live with, and the closeness one cannot live without.

Panic..thoughts race..what..what if I…???

What if I let go and feel this for a mere moment.

What if I engage and take myself from the this stoic position, this place.

Back turned, whispers spoken, face the hold head on.

Hold breath.

Speak and imploring, pleading to not get to close.

Forget that I exist.

Step in and pull towards..

Oh the shoulders release, break down, head drops, another gentle hand lifts the chin.

Look into this space.

Arms come about the shoulders, pulling in, placing head upon the shoulder, maybe resting on the chest.

hear the heart, hear the breathing. Choppy for the moment, slight staccato, rushes in and then silence.

breathe held, whoosh released, fall into the space. Will I slam into the floor..?

Does the hold catch me.

I cannot breath. I cannot see. This has to all be feeling. No logic can involve me.

No analytical summary of what this does and how. It is.

Eyes mist, thoughts race. How does one know that this is a hold, not a hug.

Not a brief interlude of pity, a pat upon the back. Consolation not asked for.

Did my eyes betray me..?

Did my voice crack when I said the words..” I am good, nothing to worry about here”.

Pulled towards, moved in, arms entwined, push and pull.

Fight, pummel upon the chest. I do not need this…

I needed this years ago, as that child weeping…confusion filling all the gaps and open spaces.

It is here it will not go away.

All that I held as my offense.

All that I used to not need..this.

Came to that hold.

The question I ask myself as this begins..is..

Can I let this hold swallow me up..

Can I be as that child, who lost count of all the holes, being filled with..words and glue..?

What happens when I cannot contain that hold..?

What happens..

 
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