I Aint Broken

I thought I would use the terminology that would get attention.

When one says aint, you hear it..and I needed that statement to be heard.

I aint broken, not needing to speak to my inner child or take her on a retreat to straighten her out, I am not co-dependent or a woman who loves too much, nor am I a broken, shameful creature who is simply confused because I am blond haired and blue eyed.

Our society, or rather some members of our society want women to believe that if you speak up for yourself, say NO, or fight back against abuse, well you need fixing…

So tell me what is the fastest and most effective method to get someone to cooperate..?

1..2..3..SHAME Them…

Tell them there is something wrong with them, they caused the abuse, or my personal favorite..they are co-dependent looking to be abused so as to heal the inner child.

What a bunch of bull crap ever fed to me and everyone else on a shovel of your own distaste for yourself..

So to reduce this to terms we all can get and to make sure I am properly quoted by imbeciles I will mention…

If I do not sit there and agree with you, bow my head in submission and take on the stance of I am damaged goods, caused by me…I will be labeled and what smeared…

Honey is that the best you can do…

I will admit, when you spend your life and around every corner there is abuse and an abuser justifying their abuse by saying “you made them do it”..you get a bit bleary eyed, confused, shamed and thinking there is something defective about you.

And if you take a step into the arena of questioning or pushing back against a system that tells you to shut up..you get shut down..

It is hard,( such a small word for what happens) to think anything else.

That is why it is so critical you get out…

Believing or not believing you are the cause or deserving of such actions.

Even if it is for 3 seconds, you have to breathe different air.

So back to the point of this post…

If I am broken..

How did I manage, this simple blond haired, blue eyed woman, to every time my dad spit on me and knock me down with punches, stand back up..?

How did I manage night after night listening to the steps come down the hallway for my father to come and torture one of his six children, to not abuse my own children..?

How did I manage to survive and yes thrive for 4 years of being homeless when I was still a child and still refer to those days as the best years of my life..if I am broken..?

How did I manage to graduate 2 years early and start college if I am broken..?

I am more confused as I write this..

If I am broken and damaged..how come I did not lose any body parts to a knife…you know Larry…those parts of you that you used to rape women with…

Or have my body so riddled with cancer, diabetes, obesity, and alcoholism..Larry..

How if I am just a bucket of oozing shame did I manage to while 8 police officers mocked me and yelled at me and called me names, carry piece by piece of my things for 10 hours, place them in a truck and drive away from you Mark..?

While you were trying to figure out which cop you could sodomize..

How did I do that..?

You know being broken and all.

How did I manage while my children were playing bouncy ball with my head and body in my home…being co-dependent and all..tell them to leave..

How did this dippy, self absorbed, co-dependent, shameful being manage that..

How did I manage father as you took a scalpel to not only my heart but your 5 other children’s hearts..to walk away from you, even as I placed my brother in the ground.

How did this person turn the scalpel to you, by your own hand, being all damaged goods and all.

Anyone have an answer..?

Every day..I realize how not broken I am..

Everyday I realize how loving I am..

Everyday I realize how strong I am..

Everyday I realize how screwed up some people be..

I stand here on the cusp of 54..crazy..intact from head to toe..

Yes a bit gun shy…but fully armored with the truth..

You see Mark, I did not have multiple surgeries to keep my insides away from my outsides cause I just had to have certain body parts.. well in a place they should not be.

Nor have I had multiple heart attacks and take a daily regiment of drugs just to keep one eye open..Mark.

Nor do I drink enough alcohol to pickle the entire community and then stick my family in a car and drive around saying “Hey I got this, sit back and enjoy the ride. Straight to hell we go”..Mark.

OR..use the alcohol as an excuse to do immoral acts against children and scared adults..Mark.

Nor do I smoke like a chimney, cough up black tar and say I learned this from my mother..Mark.

Or have surgery after surgery to fix my digestive track so full of bacteria and lie to the doctors, who really know the truth, about how that bacteria got up your butt..Mark.

Nor do I have heart disease, obesity, alcoholism and 4 children with criminal records beginning when you lied about their mother..Larry.

These are all your fun times..Father..Larry and Mark.

I believe in Karma, more so than I believe in reap what you sow..I think reap what you sow puts way too much emotion into it..

Karma simply looks at it from a non emotional stance…like 1+1+= 2.

Karma says..you do this..this will happen..simple.

Simple results of your actions.

And it follows the laws of nature, because that is the principle behavior behind Karma.

It has no choice or any discussion..it does not hear apologies..because most only come about because you have been caught. So they are not genuine.

It says what you give out comes back to you..and a hundredfold and more.

For awhile when I was married I agreed with the shame, so I operated in the shame. No surprise considering where I came from..and then one day I woke up..and when I agreed with the shame, those who wanted to shame me increased, so I was surrounded.

When I simply said in my heart, there is something wrong with the picture, someone peed in the watering hole, just that simple breathe, I turned it all around.

And so now my Karma is coming about.

And I will continue in those steps of that direction.

I wont bother to detail all the hugely trans-formative, outstanding, loving, mind blowing gifts and blessings that are flooding into my life…and the absolute gratitude for my life and my decision to be who I am through all of that garbage.

Yet I will say this..

I aint going under the knife for another surgery, another piece of something put into my body to keep it from falling off, I take no pills or test my blood sugar to make sure I do not go into a diabetic coma because I cannot do basic care of self, I am not having a liver collapse because I cannot put the drink down or use it to excuse my behavior of filth, and on and on I can go..

I am watching everything that was taken from me, being given back..and I mean everything..and I am sharing..

So simply..I am handing the knife back..well it never was in my hands in the first place..

You might need to sterilize it..you will be needing it more..right dad, Larry, Mark..


~ by HopeGlenn on July 13, 2017.

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