Healing..a commitment

You dont have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

C.S Lewis

The soul is something which contains the body. The body does not contain the soul.

Alan Watts

Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body. Rather than a body with a soul.

Wayne Dyer

 

So I have been on this healing journey…by choice.

All healing..detox..finding self..whatever verbiage, noun, adjective you want to give it..is all a choice.

And it is not for the uncommitted, I will do it later, quick fix, someone elses problem mentality.

Nope..

So I have been on this journey for a number of years because I have literally and figuratively been trying to “survive” brutality.

Something way too many of us can relate to.

yet it has been in the last 9 months that I have gone full on healing. And an intense 83 days of detox, which runs right into healing.

Healing requires attention to things we like to move aside.

Healing requires looking and feeling everything at the time it is happening. Not making a notation to get to it when it is more convenient.

It is happening right then and there for you, at that moment, only for you, for a purpose.

You do not have to stop all action and go run and meditate and journal..you can just step into the space and be aware.

I do it all the time and I have a position which requires I pay attention to many things all the time.

And you should understand that these things happen when Spirit..again call it what you will, knows you can see it and deal with it.

So many know I disconnected 83 days ago, went full on NO CONTACT with a narcissistic/sociopath.

And up until that point, I noticed some things being shown to me and the things that were happening to my body, yet everything that I needed to heal and detox came when I signed my name to the bottom of the page and said..NO MORE…NO CONTACT.

And I have been quite successful.

And that point of definition comes from you, no one else.

So during this time I have had these things happening to me.

Severe hip pain, moving into my leg and weakening my leg. Which many would attribute to being on your feet all day working, possibly my running. Yet it is none of those things. And it would come at odd times…

When I was sleeping(which has never been a safe place for me until recently).

When I attempted to simply walk(which is one of my favorite things to do, be out in nature). And a couple of times when I went running. Stopping me with blinding pain which caused me to stop and look at thoughts running through my head about self image and being a woman of 53.

Swollen ankle when I was talking to a co-worker, who ended up being a narc/sociopath.

Another thing that happened was rapid weight loss on an already small frame..tall yet small..

And then muscle loss, which is the thing that caught my eye..muscle loss.

Another thing was severe hot flashes, which many relate to the partaking of menopause and the stopping of your cycle, which means you are not making anymore babies. And many women relate their beauty, their value to being able to create life.

Which on a side note..it has nothing to do with it at all..but we have been conditioned to believe so.

Women whether you are making babies or not..you are still a creator..out of you comes great life and usually the choice to heal, repair, make well..all things of creation.

Odd things would happen…

Birds by the droves would fly in front of my car while I was driving…

Birds inherently in spiritual terms are a couple of things…

One a sign of protection..guardians…

Another is messengers…what type of bird? different message for each.

An example of this is the hawk…this is the latest bird that flew in front of my car that I thought would end up being my car ornament of the greatest fierceness ever. because this hawk did not just fly in front of my car and go about its day..it flew alongside me in front like a guide, then turned and flew away. UMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Birds also bring about awareness..pay attention…perhaps to others…look about you..what is happening right this moment..awareness..are you listening and what are you listening to?

Another thing that happened was congestion…not hungry..feeling like I had over eaten and it had filled me up to my chin…yet I had eaten like a bird…(like the reference)

Congestion, constipation are signs, moments that your body will say..what are you holding onto…? Not it is time to let go..because that statement in itself is not a possibility. It is like forgive and forget…

How do you forgive an act that is approved of in our society, founded as an appropriate way of behavior in many societies and everyone blames on the victim?

And then forget it..? HUH?!!!

A narc/sociopath/psychopath uses that as a major tool in their abuse…it is called “gaslighting” so you question yourself as to are you seeing what you are seeing and are you hearing what you are hearing..so you focus on that, slap yourself for thinking poorly of another person and TA DA the focus is off the abuser..

Trust me, abusers made the quote forgive and forget and let it go…

It is to make you feel shame and think you are judgemental and unkind because we notice despicable behavior.

We are to be judging…

The book of Proverbs is filled with judging and assessing which is the same thing just different letters to make the words.

Constipation is a sign you are full of ick..usually placed their by the abuser. Shame thoughts. Thoughts of weakness. Fatigue, panic, confusion. These and a few others manifest themselves this way.

It is our soul talking to us through our body.

So yesterday on day 82 of no contact I decide I am going to take a hike/walk and be outside all day…which I did by the way.

So I drive to this location and I have everything I need..water, protein bars, fruit, change of shoes, clothes.

As I am driving to this place my leg and hip are burning..I think of turning around and going back home and just sleeping…

I do not. I get there and am very happy I am there. Go and look at the places to walk/hike and estimate the best path for me being a runner..and of course I take the longest and hardest one…I know a bit silly, but exactly what this soul needed.

So I use the restroom before I go and I notice I am quite thin..weak and my clothes are kind of falling off of me and that I seem to have muscle loss..why?

As I start walking it is immediate hill..lady in front of me with a big dog..and the dog is helping her up some tricky places.

I think..yeah I need help..but no this was a journey I had to take alone…

Walking, breathing hard, cannot understand why, want to lie down on the side of the path and nap..so unlike me.

Stop at first spot, leg burning, breathing like I was going to give birth. Look behind me and contemplate turning back…again highly unlike me..go to a tree and touch it…and get some life back into me.

Leg burning and I am forced to use my leg correctly..good foot roll..step, breathe, step. Lady with dog stops and says to me hi…

Keep walking and now I am thinking…

Why the leg burning now, why when I am sleeping, why sometimes at work, why when I am simply resting…why?

Why the muscle loss, why the weight loss so I appear fragile..why?

Get up to the top and the view is amazing…

I sit alone in this nook looking out at the majestic beauty and not saying I am some puny part of this…NO…I am a huge part of this creation I am looking at..sitting on..breathing in..the same blood that flows through that which I am looking at, flows through me. The same cells and strength..I am not separate or puny..I contain it and it contains me..

And my leg is not hurting as much. I am just aware there is a difference from before.

Then I go and hang with the people and we all marvel at the beauty. Not one person made a negative comment. Odd in my world I have been in for many years.

Do not know how long I sat and spent in awe of the beauty and the beauty in people..but I did..

And started back to the car..

On the way down, 4 squirrels were my main companion..

Butterflies flew around me and one landed on a tree and allowed me to get almost nose to antenna with it…

Then flew right to me and landed on my shoulder..I guess it needed a rest..because it stayed there till right before the entrance to this hike..

yet we all know what butterflies mean and what was happening at this point..

Butterflies mean..rebirth, transformation, coming forth to YOU..not anyone else.

Butterflies also fly around and choose to be near healers..

Butterflies also land or let you get very close to them if they know you are safe, like minded, operating in love.

And this is true with many creatures.

Dogs come to me in droves. Not once have I had a dog get angry with me..only one time has that happened..and that was when the narc/sociopath was having sex with it. And you know who you are…narc.

Chipmunks will come and stand in the path when I am running or walking.

Squirrels will walk with me, moving across the path and stay with me the entire time, even escort me to my car.

Deer are constantly on the side of the road when I drive and move away before the next car comes.

Hawks are constantly flying around my path of walking and driving and when I am working they usually are sitting at a light pole looking towards me.Feral cats will come and sit on my lap. Cats that the owners have said will not go near anyone will come and eat food out of my hands.

So the congestion and constipation is all the lies and deeds done to this soul that are escaping, leaving. but they can only be released by my hand, my choice. I must acknowledge the evil that was done to me and my choice to not become the evil done to me.

I must acknowledge the zillion of profane lies that were spoken to me in an attempt to snuff out such a majestic and powerful light. And I believed some of these lies and they were stored in my body. So when I choose to purge them my body will go to a full on weakened state so that I can build it back up with truth.

Pain in my hip and leg, burning pain are all variations of me

Standing on my own two feet, and that is possible and very rich and rewarding and that I am capable to make decisions for myself and very good decisions and that I am first always. And it is not selfish.

It also represents leaving behind illusions. And playing with their lies that maybe you are a fruitcake. The pain being so severe to remind you of the burning out of your soul, the changing it to evil they were attempting, the life force they were sucking out of you to somehow give their meat carcass an appearance of life, and to leave you a bag of bones, dead picked up by the garbage collector.

And you must remember they do not do this to their flying monkeys, their enablers..NO..they do it to lovers..those pure in spirit, those so beautiful it is mind blowing..YOU.

They cannot obtain the energy from those playing in the same game of death as them. They must have those with life.

Leg and hip pain also represents walking away from lies, things that kill, things that do not serve us. And walking towards truth and seeing things that and dealing with things, yet most of all a reminder of what has happened and making you ask yourself..do you want to go back?

 

And after this hike I went and ate and ate…and I am still hungry..

And I run and walk..and I look forward to it..not just as a chore..I cherish caring for this body, this soul..this soul..so loved..protects this body that I use in this life to carry out my purpose of love..not evil..

And some say I had to go through this to get here…

I have been here two other times in my life and maybe I should say 7 times and that would include my sons.

My father was a narc/ sociopath, my ex-husband is a narc/sociopath and this last 83 days of NO CONTACT imbecile is a narc/sociopath. And sad to say my sons are narc/sociopaths.

Who knows what the lesson is for them…that is their path. And what they choose determines what they are. And I have no hand in that. No matter what people say..you are not here to make decisions for people. You are to be a light and example. And some people decide to make the light shine brighter and with fierceness so it grows. And some like to kill the light because they have chosen to not be the light..LOVE.

It is a choice.

The basic, very basic decision between good and evil.

I think you can see what my choice is.

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on July 11, 2017.

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