A must…

A must you may ask…must what…?

I must write this post…

I have learned so much these past 72 days…and crazy thing is I knew it when I said “done”..no contact ever again…

But like most things..we must experience them..the process so we can share with another the process..

We as beings with hearts and morals are bound to help heal those so brutalized by evil..

And ABUSE is EVIL…

It is not a misunderstanding…oh you did not hear me right…nor anything but evil..

The person perpetuating the evil has only one agenda…

Marinate you till all your spots are tender…put you into warmth..increase the heat..and listen to you scream as you burn..

Not kill you though…then they would not have any one to gnaw on and give them an illusion of humanity…

Some do kill..yet mainly they try to kill your humanity…

So today has been one hell of a day..so good..so sweet..

My hip has been bothering me..sort of sore…

So I stopped running for a week…and I did not walk either…

I am known for my runs and walks..I take 3 hours 5 to 6 times a week for me…

When I was with the narc/sociopath/psychopath..husband I weighed more…

I was congested…

When I was with the narc/sociopath/psychopath whatever I weighed more…

Each idiot I was with I started running, exercising a lot…

Yet still maintained my size..in odd spots on my body…the places I had been told to localize shame…

Not where I believed there was shame..but what I had been told there was shame…

So in 72 days I have been meditating..reading and watching and listening to podcasts that deal with what many of us have dealt with…

And each and every time I went to the mirror and looked me dead in the eye..and dealt with the thing(s) that had me swallowed up and congested. Wearing clothes bigger than me..thinking I was bigger than I was..etc…

The hair that had stopped growing..is growing and so so soft…

The congested weight in certain areas…is falling off my body…

And eating..all I do is eat..and I cannot get past 120…and at 53 and 4 babies and 2 idiots..ummm…I think I have discovered me…

And now I have to eat..before I could go days..now I have to eat..because I can see I am not in lack..or depraved..or there is something wrong with me…

I can see and feel all the way to my bones that I am in abundance..and so compassionate and gentle and so loving..and there is something wrong with them…more things than I have time for in this precious life…

And I can do nothing that would bring disconcerting events or ideas…harm..or play in the sandbox..to me…and I accept no abuse…

The big screaming guy does not scare me anymore…

Every day..sometimes many times a day..I heal something..something shifts..layers of layers have been rolling off…

And every day I see another beautiful thing about myself…and flush one more lie away..

I have changed in so many ways…I do not think some other people..like the abuser or their flying monkeys would recognize me..

It is hard to put into words…

No desire to call or email…nothing..nada in 72 days…I have given silence…

And even when I waver…and let my mind wander down the negativity..self hate highway…and think..oh they are right..maybe I should call and get an apology…something..anything…

I pause…and I added it up today..in 72 days composed of 24 hours each day..I have been no contact..silent..renewed..peeling off the layers to me..adding up to 1728 hours…of strength..persistence and moving forward…

That deserves a triple ice cream scoop of ice cream…or maybe I will go look in the mirror..the one I avoided for a long time and smile..

It took me looking at a few pics of me with the idiots to see myself now…

I do not hunch my shoulders…or try to cave into myself…or see a frown upon my face..and funny I am not so tired…so freaking tired…nope…I actually sleep less with more profound effect than before when I was a fruity insomniac…who had to use medications to sleep and they did not work..

Now I lay my head down..start a meditation and less than 3 minutes later..I am asleep and it is the alarm waking me up..

I get complimented on my smile…and the first time that happened I had to go look in the mirror and take a look…I forgot my smile…

This did not happen over night…but it does happen…some things happen over night…the decision to leave..do better..find yourself…and if you have been imprisoned a long time like me…since I was 2…the work is hard..and there must be the desire to to..I do not have the words…maybe it is to see something different in the horizon that a crippled..scared..angry person…that was not me…

Maybe it is not about showing them what they already know…

Maybe it is not about your test of wills…how long can you hold back…and know you do not have to hold back…they deserve..Godzilla tearing the roof of of their home and tearing them limb from limb..and that would be pleasant to what they deserve…

Maybe it is not about forgiveness…and maybe there is nothing to forgive..not even you…

And how do you forgive someone who is not sorry and enjoys gnawing on peoples bones…

Maybe it is not about yelling from the rooftops to validate…that he sleeps with his daughter and has made a baby…

That he and his ex-wife adopted a boy just for the sole purpose of abusing him and they did..

That he sleeps with dogs and slept with his daughters dog and is now sleeping with his son in laws dog..

That he likes it in a certain back door…and maybe I should not say likes it..but does it so he can get away with abusing..

That he is sick..sick..sick…

All these things that he and his flying monkeys give an enormous amount of precious energy to covering up…yet it is still out in the open..

All those things that you have every right to put on billboards all over town and no one would bat an eye…everyone would understand…totally…

Maybe it is about the journey of taking each word..lie..encounter..broken promise..lead down a bramble patch expedition…and putting it to the test…by you..

Because under all those tears and that ache…you are still here…you are still asking questions and wondering how did that or this happen…you are the one thinking something aint right…

And you are right…

But it aint with you…

Maybe you just need to let you be cleansed…like the powerful rain…

Today..my first day running in 8 days…because my body was detoxing and trying to talk to me…

And I took it to the streets…

And the skies were screaming storm…

Not angry clouds but ominous clouds….that had a message to tell me…and driving all the way to where I run…birds were flying in front of my car..like they had a death wish…

And birds being messengers…gave me their message…go run…and find what you really are…find your power and know you can do anything…anything…

So I ran…and it poured…I got soaked and at the same time I was pouring out sweat…a few people were walking heading towards their cars..I was heading to the eye of the storm…nothing but me and me and me…

I want you to know this…

If this woman…53..imprisoned since she was 2 with enough horror to fill 10,000 books and movies…can walk away…block him on every avenue..eat again..slough off dead weight..find love again after being raped..get 3 promotions in less than 60 days of work doing the one thing he told me I could not do because I was a cunt…and everyone hated me…be beaten till I had surgeries and had to learn to walk again and listen to doctors tell me I would always walk with a limp and never run again and now I run marathons..15 to be exact..survive smear campaigns..

You can do this…

Because you are not alone…you are not what they say or did to you…

You are magical and strong and my oh my so brave…you are important…

They are trash and their flying monkeys…and they are alone…that is why they fight so hard when you leave…and tell you the same thing they said each and every time you came back or gave them 5 minutes…

Lies all lies…

They are damaged…broken..meat carcasses walking this planet waiting till either someone they hurt gets them or their body gives out from all the perversity they inflicted upon it…

Remember..please remember what you are..

Dont go back..dont turn around..

Go to the eye of the storm…there it is still..and the truth of you reflects all around you…and nothing..nothing can touch you…

I should know..I am there…

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 30, 2017.

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