57 DAYS

This post is dedicated to those who life has been taken..I will not be silent..and I cannot be silenced..

The thought comes in..and I say…why am I thinking that…thought?

And if I take a mere second and stop the scolding of myself..the answer will..always does make itself known..

First, for me..the thought of some bad..uncomfortable memory shows its ugly head…

And I think..

Damn..why am I thinking that..?

Do I want to go back..NO..

Do I want to be treated like that..?

Do I want to have my ending of this life to happen now..?

Because it is that serious…and more..

And then I pause again..

A resounding NO to each..

The memory presented itself for a reason or reasons…

To remind me of what has happened and what will happen yet with more severity if I return to the abuser..

To remind me of what that person really is..

What is the quote…?

When someone tells you who they are the first time..believe them…(close enough)..

Yet even when they presented themselves…

I thought I could change them…or be the reason for the change..

So I thought…I was the one..or had some magic fairy dust…

Nope..

I cannot change them..especially when they see nothing wrong with their actions..

People would ask me that about my ex-husband…

Why does he do that…?

Because it works..

Yes, but why..does he not see the damage…that may never have a band-aid big enough…?

Yes he/she/it..sees the damage…and does not care and in many ways enjoys the damage..it completes them…

Not your love or persistence..or you being meek and forgiving..does anything for them except..give them fuel..

It works…

So back to the thought..

It comes..I welcome it to sit beside me..and show me what I need to see..

You see it is grand..wonderful that you..me..anyone wants to help another…

But does that mean you annihilate you..so they can chew on your bones…?

The memory thought…keeps me moving on..

Keeps me from picking up the phone and saying..are you doing better..learned anything..

Which a couple of weeks ago I would have thought of doing…

But now…actually no..

Why…?

What has transpired in these days turned into weeks turned into months..?

Me..

Me showing my face..me to the world..through each and every time..

A thought comes across me..

And admittedly so..the ride is a bit bumpy..and some days I have barely made it to wakefulness..and have almost..just chucked it all away and believed them..

I used to spend a great deal of time standing outside of myself..looking at me like through a pane of glass..and the view..my gosh the view was so blurry…

That was how I coped as a child and as an adult to the abuse..I believed..I deserved..

We all have a coping mechanism..

Yet not now…I am answering to myself from myself..

And I am a little confused about this feeling..

It is odd..but known..comfortable and yet I feel like I should get up and clean something..

And I am seeing what the abuser saw..and wanted all for themselves..and if they could not have it..death was their option..for me..

I am not on the outside looking in..

I am on the inside looking in..

Have not been there since I was two…and I can probably if I gave it some thought could tell you the moment..the event..that I stepped into the looking glass..

So here is the thought..

It looks at me…and plays a little game with my soul..tests me if you will..

It is a lie I say..blinders given to me..

And the thought enters and just as easily it leaves..

Let it in if you may..and then show it the door..

Never thought I would be this person..

Always thought my life was to clean up everyone else’s mess..

It is an interesting ride..trying on a lot of shoes..from heels to running shoes to flip flops..

I am not uncovering..digging up..letting go or coming into me..

I was always here..

Now it is safe..and that is such a little word to this feeling..

Nothing comes into me unless it is love..

That is why certain people are being shown the door even without me knowing it is happening..I realized it happened to me today..

It is perplexing when you realize..God..the universe..what ever is your word..has got your back..even when you do not know how to be there for you..

In comes the thought..out goes the thought..

And I am no longer a bystander to my own life..

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 15, 2017.

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