I got this…right on time

 

I had a sense..an inkling that someday it…

It being LOVE would come this way..

Not in the lies, deceit, illogical actions that we have come to know as love..

Yet it is not..

What I found..has presented itself..at the right time…

Not right on time..or because I had to suffer to see what love is…

Such bullshit..

Like I have to know dark to see light..

I must suffer to know joy..

I must fail..to have success..

And lets not get into my definition of failure…it is not negative..

I must have hate to know love…

The opposite of love is indifference…

Love is all in…

Not up to the chin or testing the waters for the right temperature…

But all in..even the fingertip reaching for the safety of the shoreline..

That you never leave…

All in..with no doubts..that is how it feels…

Not with hesitancy..or questions about the integrity of the words this person speaks..

Yet knowing…

Love is all in..parade float and all..

Hate which is seen to be the opposite of love…is fear..cleverly disguised as anger..wanting to make someone go away…painfully because they saw our lack of integrity..

Indifference cares not whether you breath again or not..no waiting around to see if the wound heals..if you have band aids and first aid ointment…

OR..

If you create another story to delay the inevitable…

Lie to get the attention off you and onto another you just lied about..

Indifference will watch you gasp for your last breathe and then step over you..

Hate will have you crawl after the oxygen mask and give you little puffs just to see you linger awhile longer..

See the difference..

So when LOVE enters a life..you know it…you just do..

And now I just do..

I did not get swallowed up in time..

Or pretending that I had suffered enough to now get LOVE…

Because in the reality of things..I had and have it quite excellent..

I could have gotten stuck in my marriage and most likely be disabled or dead…

The condition that will most likely happen to my children’s partners..

I could have gone back to my father from the foster home and played along with the scenario that my father was just misunderstood…

If I did that I would more than likely be dead or wishing I was..

But I looked at something over the shoulder of the voices speaking and well set out on my own..

I could have in my last engagement of a sort of relationship[..believed the lies upon lies and ignored the evidence piling up around me..and be sucked into the vortex of deviancy this world subscribes to..

But I did not..

I like being out of the way when another person’s karma comes a calling..

And I knew if I did not flee..literally..the house would lock me inside and death would soon come way before its time…

That is what happens when you give time to sick people..you get viewed as wanting to play in their shit…and get shot down the chute of poop one cannot describe..

So weeks have passed..and I have detoxed…in so many ways…so many ways..

First my sleep changed…all I could do was sleep…

Then I ate everything in sight…

Stopped working out…

Body got all congested…

And then I said…I want to see me…

Meditation came in..

Started walking miles after working 10 hour days…

Then running…speed drills..like I was 18 again..right before my brother was murdered and I was left alone..

Then I started draining…nose was like the damn had busted..

Then all extra weight that disguised my original form and features started coming off..

Ate what I liked..what made this form work…

My eyes went grey 24/7…unusual..

And I saw me..

And the one thing in my life..that was missing..

Not me loving…but being loved..

The last time that had happened was the LOVE my brother Glenn gave me..right up until his murder..

That is why I halted all grieving of him..

It was only sliver of LOVE known and it had gone away when they placed him in the earth..

That was my example..my brother Glenn…

Until now..

Being loved is not magical or being made to feel like a princess or queen..or getting a big shiny ring showing the world you are wanted..or better said..have just been bought..

It is just like the song I posted…

It is being scared for whatever reason…and being held tight and being told..your feelings are real and a drink..drug..or sex will not make it better…

Only LOVE will and the strong arms of LOVE will care for you..

It is being given a hand when I fall…and not being told 100 ways I could have prevented this…

It is not being told..come on everybody does this..why you being so difficult..

It is having that person walk the narrow path..the overgrown path..that few visit..with you..right next to you..

It is that person who asks you what would you like…

Not demanding that you fit your wants and needs to their selection of three…

It is hearing the voice that says we will be great…when you want to walk away from your 9 to 5…knowing you are burnt out and need a bubble bath and a day off..

Not telling you that you screwed up the finances and are trouble like we all know you are…which when you ask for supporting evidence there is none..

LOVE came..

And it is all those things and none of those things..

It is everything and then it is nothing..

It is clanging symbols..and then it is the cry you refuse to hear..

It is ceasing to think…what am I doing wrong again..?

And knowing you are doing everything right..

It is light and stillness and shadows playing off the walls in the room lighted by the hallway glow..

It is in some..and dead in others..

It is what was given and then some have thrown away..

It is here for me…

I sought it out and did not stop my journey..even when I was given dirty..deceitful definitions of it..

It is mine…even if it exists until tomorrow..it is here..it is mine..

IT is well…LOVE..

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~ by HopeGlenn on June 5, 2017.

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