Sleep

The most highly underrated needs of a human being…or any being…

Sleep deprivation is one of the greatest weapons used by abusers…

Sleep deprivation is the leading cause of addiction and abuse of substances…

From food..sex..alcohol..drugs..exercise..

Sleep deprivation is the greatest and most profound control mechanisms towards a being…there ever will be..

Think back through history…

Prisoners of war…were allowed to sleep little…and in very unkind conditions…and if out of pure exhaustion they nodded off..they were brutalized..

Resulting in frail..anxious..delusional..coiled up in angst beings…

Which makes for a horrendous lifestyle..

So most of my life I have labeled…and I hate that word…yet I have labeled myself as an insomniac…

I am not an insomniac…I am a being who has been brutalized her entire life and lots and lots of it happened at night…

First with my father…

Always brutalized his children at night…so each and every one of us…all six..were prepared at night to be hurt…

resulting in no sleep..no point were are body was relaxed..allowed to uncoil..brain constantly working on how to survive the next event..and heart constantly trying to make sense of it..

Move forward..homeless..living on the streets of Tacoma and Seattle Washington..happy as happy can be…

Why..?

I am on my own..and nobody can hurt me…I learned the fine art of self survival..at the age of 3 learning that dog food was the only thing on the menu…so eat it…

Move forward..get married…learn that I am not allowed…and violence comes in the night…no sleep…

I gain weight..and spend all my time defending myself..in every manner possible…

Divorce..learn to sleep again…and that is all I will say about that…

Now after a troubling…(nice word for it)..relationship…sleep deprivation, among other things have been used as a weapon…

So I am asked…”are you sure you saw that”…”are you sure of that”..over and over again…

And of course being told I am wrong my entire life…well…I……

Doubt…

But then something happened…

Just like it happened as a child…

Just like it happened as a young adult…

Just like it happened in my marriage…

Just like it happened in the relationship…that was not really a relationship…

I got wide awake…

So wide awake…I had no choice but to see everything…

And feel everything…

I could not dismiss a thing…

Like why am I ready to fight…?

Hmmmm…

Why am I forming myself into a ball so you cannot hit the vunerable body parts…?

Why am I gaining weight…?

Why am I losing weight…?

Why do I not want to eat…?

Why am I living off of Mountain Dew and crackers…?

Hmmmm….

Why do I see this diseased person in the mirror…?

Why am I allowing myself to be talked to a certain way..treated a certain way…and why am I agreeing…

And why am I seeking approval from some really ugly human beings…who spend their lives doing criminal acts every second of every day and like it…?

Sleep deprivation…

Because it fed all my insecurities…

It fed every lie I held up to myself…

It fed them…and killed me…

Yet recently…I got sleep…sleep that you have where you wake up…and you are in a fog…and you..just go away again in a blanket of peace…

That type of sleep…

And when you get that sleep…you want more…

And so you figure out..why and how do I make this happen…

Step one…

Gather the fools in your life…and dump them in the trash…

Go look in the mirror and see what you really look like…

Not like some quote tells you…but ask the Universe for a view into how you really present into this world…

You will be surprised…

I realized I scare people…

Because even though I am searching to be comfortable in my skin…I am close so close…I am quite secure and know what I am…

And it aint what the fools try to convince me I am…it is what the fools say…because in that statement..they speak truth…

That is why they spend so much time trying to dig me my grave and silence me…

Because they believe that if they convince enough drug addicted..porn addict..spread your leg deviants…paid off with cash children.. that I am crazy..I must be..and I will believe it..because the consensus says so…

And I realized that I have to love myself…and until I love myself and do acts of self love…I will not have love…

I will keep getting the worlds twisted view of love…which we know is not love..but hey it controls many people…

So after spending some time with people who actually love me..and doing some very simple acts of self love..and looking at why I did not do them before and why I thought that way…

I GOT SLEEP…

Out like a light in a coma…

And done by simply laying down…

And not giving time to a single lie…

Yet total self love…

And realizing that I had been giving time to “Family”…listening to them because well they are family…right..?

Family some of the most poisonous toxic people I have ever met…people who would prefer me being homeless and hungry…so I accept their twisted life..or I bow at the feet of my ex and state how fortunate I was to have someone like him..rescue this damsel in distress…

I have to laugh with that…

Because my ex without a woman or children taking care of him…can barely dress…

Sorry but truth needs to be stated…

I when I am not spending time or giving energy to these people can find me…

To know that I must do something creative every day..whether cooking..sewing..teaching..writing..taking a longer run..trying a new expression…

It must be done…

or I do not sleep…

And I cannot give my energy to toxic people…I spent way too much time doing that…

I have to look in the mirror every day and see me…and what I really look like…

Right now I look like a librarian wearing a sarcastic tee shirt…

In about 20 minutes I will look like the athlete I am taking my run…

I have to do my mornings…whenever they come about..with what is best for me…

I must eat what suits this person..not you..

And I must realize that when somebody defines me..in an attempt to control me..so I stay with them and feed their sickness and hopefully their sickness will rub off on me and I will get sick…

Is a liar…and they are threatened by me…and are speaking truth about themselves…

So listen and pay attention…

So who would rather you sleep and rest this wonderful and fearfully made frame…

OR..

Who would prefer you hang with them..drink and do deviant acts..feed a sickness and try to make you believe you are seeing things and not rest..and then get up and take care of them…

You know the answers…

The question I asked myself…

Why am I still believing them…?

And well now I can rest…

I think I will take INSOMNIAC off my resume…

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 11, 2017.

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