Dis…ease

I do not have a disease and do not know it.

You have a disease and think you do not.

Great quote..runs along the same lines..as this..

” Those who constantly question themselves..are some of the finest, loving beings on this planet…”

” Those who never question themselves and their actions do not give them pause, and believe they are better than others…”

Are the most diseased on the planet…

I think I have a disease..an issue..yet I do not..

My only issue being that I question myself to brutality…especially when I am around someone who relishes in abuse..

Abuse is a disease of choice…and along with that follows such issues of sexual deviancy..alcohol abuse..addictions..and spending every ounce of energy you have on creating an illusion..lies and destruction of anyone who questions you or says..Hey…

Abuse comes about because another recognizes a person in a weakened state…

Do not take that wrong and decide to go behind a wall and make a fortress..

You do not need all the walls..if you learn to speak the truth about abuse and who is abusing..

And yes I agree and know how hard it is when you are being literally smacked about the building..I was for many years…

And for some oddball reason..after I got out of it…a number of years later I stepped back into it..

Not because I have boundary issues or because I am a weakened fawn…

But because I refused to acknowledge the truth..right in front of me…

And I believed the lies and that I would burn in hell if I pointed the finger at the abuser…

You know the verse…” judged not lest you be judged”

Well honey bring it on..

If I am to judge (assess) a situation or person to decide if this is love..hate..or indifference happening..why should I not expect it back…?

And why would I not relish in getting it back…?

Is that not wisdom…ummmm…yes…

So you got me there…

The more and more I refuse to accurately describe a situation..person..the more and more I am lying to myself and throwing my pearls before swine to trample underfoot..

I am stating that I have no value..

I am stating that I am a dumb blonde..

I am stating that I have the dis..ease..and I do not..

I know..blue..green..yellow and red..

I know 1plus 1 equals 2 each and every time..

just like I know sticking my finger in a light socket creates an electric volt that can mess with my entire central nervous system..

Yet why do I spend hours..days..years telling myself profound lies..?

Conditioning…

Now breath…please..

Conditioned to question ourselves and believe that those who surround us have the best of intentions for us…

Why..?

So we do not question authority..

So we become like one of the masses…

Control..absolute power..

Mindsets that have been pushed into you in a million ways..until you act like a robot over and over again…it is easy work..

Watch how easy it is…

Go into a restaurant and witness two people who are working in that restaurant…

See the one with the hair nice and tidy..no special colors…white button down shirt, ironed and clean pants…light makeup..a good smile..simple stud earrings…etc..etc…you get the point…

Now the one with blue in their hair..and a stud in the nose…shirt not a button up but a pullover t-shirt..pants not ironed..and a tattoo peeking around the collar..

Who do you want to serve you..?

Who do you assess to be the cleaner, kinder, best option…?

First description wins out every time…

Now you assessed…but you assessed from lies and conditioning…instead of looking at the person..

You looked at the packaging…rather than viewing the details..

So when you see the not quite put together person…you imply..they are ummm…damaged in some way..

Yet you look at the composed person and think…they good…

Why?

The question nobody wants to answer…

And no one questions…

No one steps back and says..why are they dancing so hard..? Why are they changing the subject…? Why will they not answer a question about what they did today..? Why did I just have my ass handed to me for giving a shit..?

Why…

If I was to pause and go back three decades…when I met my ex husband..or former spouse…

I would have seen a lone man standing at the bar, leaning and drunk. Scoping out the weakest fawn in the building…the one he could insult..and well make his own..the one to live off of..take advantage of..make them believe he was doing them a favor by his presence..

News flash..you do nobody a favor or good for them when you believe people should appreciate you because well you got this…

If I was to pause and go back almost 5 years in a class…

I would notice a man with a red face..weary eyes and telling me that my scholarship was a way women got free rides even though they were stupid..

I would have noticed that he could not hold a job..smelled..and things did not add up ever…

And if he was late for class..could not do the work..or did not show up at all..it was my fault..I was accountable for him…just like the ex..

So why did I give them time…?

Conditioning..

I was told not to judge..assess..put a critical eye to the situation and person…

And each of those words are positive words..

Judge..

Assess..

Critical..

They will save your life..

They will save your life…

They will save your life..

Instead of being polite to spare another’s feelings…

Pause..are they considering your feelings or safety…?

It is like getting in a car with a drunk person driving and thinking..they got this..they do not mean to harm me..possibly..our children will be fine..the swerving is just because he feels so good…ahhh..okay..

Thinking I have the dis..ease..is a lie..

Knowing through judgement..assessment..and critical viewing…shows me different..

I am not the one hiding alcohol bottles in the dog food..

I am not the one driving my children around in a van when I have been drinking..

Yet I am the one that just pushed the stop button..not the pause button..the STOP…

If I had done that..maybe..just maybe..and highly likely I would not be in recovery..would not have to focus so much attention on not giving those things so much attention right now..

Yet I will cover this with grace..and smile..because I am not them..and I never will be..

I will never say..tomorrow I will stop drinking..stop smoking..stop lying…

I will say this…

I will not lie..first and foremost to myself so that I can swallow some conditioned belief about myself or others..because it always begins with me..

I will not take anything at face value or ignore the show happening in front of me and believe I need to be part of the cast..I will deny myself that role..

I will focus everyday on doing this moment..with recognition of what I really am…

Not in recovery…Not in dis..ease..

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 1, 2017.

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