The hardest thing…

The hardest thing ever…the deepest wound…the most difficult assault upon this heart we take so for granted…

Is to love another who has chosen death in a million small ways..over the love of you…

To hear my voice..beseeching for another moment when they are fully present with you…

Moments are rare, yet you would give your soul to have one more moment…one more exchange of words..despite them being rolled in anger..weeping in tears..

The hardest thing, I have ever tasted is the tears running down my face, knowing that was the last conversation..you will ever have…

Until you read the obituaries and see their death warrant in black and white depicting a person’s life in a few small sentences…

Hoping you can hold your tongue to those who have watched this person you love, drink themselves into their final coma..knowing that they could have stopped them, long before you stepped into the picture…

Realizing that 12 step groups do not work, because they never talk about WHY…damn them…

And rehab, in my little ability to smile these moments..I chuckle…strip them raw and then send them out to sea with a pack of chewing gum and a strainer…

The hardest thing ever…is watching someone you love bury themselves a hundred times a day…doing everything you can to show them there is a reason to put the alcohol down, do not get in that car, put the pill in the toilet and flush and please oh please do not let your body be used as a hole..for another to get off on…oh please..

The hardest thing is thinking..your love is enough..that maybe they will choose you..but they do not..

They choose alcohol..pills..porn..and letting their body be used like a hole…and then try to use your body like a hole..

The hardest thing…is staying angry when everyone tells you to CHILL..

The hardest thing is trying to forget..this is an illusion…a good one indeed..perfected…

The hardest thing is holding on to the person, the being..the life breathing under all those lies they try to sell you…

The hardest thing is telling yourself they mean nothing…as you weep yourself to sleep..

The hardest thing is staying away..holding your breath..wanting to hold them so close to you, like they are under your skin..and believe your touch is enough..

The hardest thing is believing you are enough…and then knowing your not..

The hardest thing is waiting..waiting..

Until it comes…and you know…you are not enough..and never will be..

And how many times do you need to be told…you are not good enough..

But this time, you let it sink in…

The hardest thing…

 

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on April 24, 2017.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: