Something Harder

Conversations and observations have brought me to ther point of sheer and utter….

Screaming at the top of my lungs…

And then a pause…

Banging my head on the wall..hoping..hoping..praying…the last stop before being pushed off the cliff…

The pit stop before the fall..

And this time I am enjoying the fall…

Today I was told I have rage…

And my polite answer back was…you have never seen my rage…

Only one person on this planet has witnessed my rage…

And that would be my father…

Many people say…anger is bad…

I dont know..I think complacency and turning your eye away..is the crime…

if someone is angry…they just might be awake enough to know that something either with them or someone else is just not right…

I have seen anger because one has been called on the carpet…for their lies and actions…

And I have seen the liar..fly into the insanity of spit spewing from their mouth as to…”No big deal..GEEZ..”

And that is where anger steps in…

And we will encounter many people who will say, we should not be angry when one encounters another who is lying, lying, lying and still expects you to play with them…even as you see bodies lying about the room, that you have to step over..

Should I be happy?

Should I be sad?

Should I forgive and forget?

Should I offer the other cheek?

Why are we so willing to beat the crap out of Trump for lying but accept it in our personal relationships..?

Perplexing at best…

OR…

Am I to recognize that there is a sickness…a disease…and the liar wants the disease to be mine…?

Or forgive and forget…

Turn the other cheek…

And how many times..?

How many deaths..?

How many tongues cut out…?

How many surgeries…?

How many apologies…?

How many roses..band aids..chocolate bars..sweet kisses and I Love You’s will do..?

Anyone have an answer….?

How many times do I have to hear…Help Me…please help me to stop drinking…how many times do I allow myself to be used like a dildo from the reality store of misconceptions and ideals..?

How many..?

How many times does my life…my precious life..have to be put on the line…

Till I am one of the bodies lying on the floor..?

Till death do us part…?

My untimely death of course…?

Because now I am in a better place…?

The harder thing…really is this…

Knowing that this world says…

After I have been raped, abused, molested, my innocence stolen from me, stolen from, all that I worked for taken away because someone who made a promise got in a bad mood because I did not act right, used as a hole, children turned against me..but not before they got a few kicks in, spending my life wondering if I will one day get sick..

That I am not allowed to be angry..

Because why..?

Because anger makes you do what..?

Remove people from your life that are trying to kill you…

Or..

Not be played with like a cat toy..

Or…

Speak the truth…

Oh yes…if I remove a liar..a thief..an abuser…well then I am not available for abuse…I am not available for you to use me..

Because if I believe I should turn the other cheek, for you to pummel another blow upon it…I am always available for you slander..

And thinking that your dead ass that smokes, drinks, uses people like holes is my fault…

Am I close…I think I hit the target…

And no..I get nothing..

I do not get glee, that another has chosen to drink over having me around..

I get nothing…

I got nothing from last words with my father..words I had spoken to him a million times..

And got nothing..

Not even a false”I am sorry”…

And I hear it now…you should not expect anything…

Why..?

I am to forgive and forget the brutal rape of my father…daily to all his children..including his sons…

Umm…can I watch while you try to forget…and then attempt to muster up that forgive part…?

Is that what we say to the parents, the mothers, the wives..of the black men we slaughtered…?

Because they are angry and are defending themselves…

Because we do…

We say cute little things like Chill…they had no idea what they were doing…it was a mistake..

Mess up once that is a mistake..keep doing it..that is a decision…

And then back to our cell phones,,our drink we just cannot put down..and believe that one was in the wrong place at the wrong time..that her skirt was too short or her pants too tight..or that the child was not wanted, so I can throw it in a dumpster..or I can handle the car, I mean I just had a few beers…or that I am not the Proverbs 31 wife and mother..or that my skin is the wrong color..and that I deserve to die..OR..OR..OR…etc.

See people we have been led down a dark road…

And we blissfully following it..with the people who would rather send a text than pay attention to the fact they are driving..

We are dealing with stinking death…wrapped up in pretty advertising…and we salivating…and cannot wait to get our hands on the next greatest thing they tell us is important..

So here goes…

Im pissed…

I am angry..and it is seeping into rage..

And I aint gonna try and make it go away..

Sorry if I offend..but not really…

But playing with death and making precious life like a piece of tissue paper I just used on my ass..is not where I play..

So call me what you will…I will wear each and every label with pride…

Yes, I am angry..I am pissed..

But understand something…

Your dead…just a corpse walking the planet with a cell phone glued to your hands..

And I am not…

I am a life force..you cannot extinguish..

For one simple reason…

My anger..

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 24, 2017.

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