Food as Survival

Food as survival…..

True or false…

Point or no point…

After traveling yesterday, working on a home I purchased….(giggles arise with those words)…

And realizing I forget…forgot…some word about eating…

So that night after this day…my friend says…”did you eat”?

Just a reminder, just a thought…

My reply is no…

Had some tea before I set out on the road…and a yogurt…but eating nope.

Why?

Why do I eat for bare survival….

DING DING DING….

I know the answer….

And another travel down the convoluted path of abuse…

Food was never about pleasure…

Eating dog food under the kitchen table with the worlds best dog Two Bits…as a child was simply a means of acknowledgement…I had to survive.

And with the little or no resources of food provided as a child..I ate dog food and survived another day…

Here at 53 an adult..food still is survival…and still a weapon…

I liked it better when I could wrap it around body image…and I did not eat to either be stick thin out of shame or eat to be bigger than this small frame for protection…

So I manage that square of my life in survival mode….hmmmm…pause for reflection.

I love to cook…and am a damn good cook…love to see others eat and travel to safe places within their hearts from the food I prepared…

Loved to feed my children…create atmosphere…other countries…with my children…

Personal favorite was China…my sons…now grown…would sit on a blanket on the floor, on big pillows, using chopsticks eating my fried rice…good memory…not much can beat those.

And food was good…took you to destinations…fed the body and soul…made you smile…

And at some points for me…and I think one of my sons..it became safety through weight gain..to cover up some feeling…and hoarding…

Because when you do not have…when you get…you hoard…because you do not believe it will be there 10 minutes from now…

And there is great validity to it…truth…things can go away in a moment…and they do..and as children you believe that stronger than anyone else…

So food is survival…

I eat just enough to survive…

Survive the moment, the act, the present time…

Eat enough to run…and then walk 4 miles…yogurt and two cups of tea should cover that right?

Nope…

Eat enough to sew, write, speak, counsel…

A bagel and tea should cover that right?

Nope…

So as a friend made me see last night, as my stomach is rumbling and it had been for 8 hours…I do not eat.

Yet cook, prepare, provide…except for me…

Yikes…and WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Makes perfect sense….

And then it unravels…

Because I believe now I deserve food…no thanks to dad and a few others I wont take time to mention…

Who as a woman they told me I came last…or not at all…like cooking a roast and being left the fat gristle as my token…yeah, not going there.

I do not really believe them…

That used to reign in my thoughts…suffering…and not for anyone to see how well I do suffering…yeah stupid…

I do it now…because I do not know how…to eat…odd.

Another fine example how abuse is embedded in the molecules of our body…in the chemical breakdown…in everything…

It is one of those things that slipped by the wayside that I thought I could do without or just the bare minimum…

I mean it got me this far with the bare minimum…scary…

And how others viewed me also played it’s tune…

Either stick thin…or overweight to hide..be safe.

Are either safe?

So I sit here at 53 thinking…I need to learn how to eat…

And what do I like to eat…

Because when I speak…it is usually the first point I bring up about stepping into me…

I look forward to the day when I can say..”I know what I want to eat”.

Really odd…

Reminds me of  the series by Dean Koontz titled Odd Thomas.

Eating…

Why eat?

Why not eat?

How much?

What time?

Is it my decision?

Eating as survival.

Eating as survival.

Bare minimum.

Eating as survival.

Survival?

My final thought…

Am I allowed…?

oops..

To eat for survival and past..?

And not dog food, under the kitchen table with the beloved dog…

I think Two Bits may have the answer…

 

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on January 4, 2017.

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