Abuse is not logical

Abuse has no logic. No method of relation. Nothing to sort out as to why and how come.

ABUSE is a direct, front line attack with an attempt at destruction of the heart.

It has nothing else to do, but violate the heart.

It makes no sense.

Because we try to figure it out…in the mind.

We spend most of the time in our mind. Because it is safe.

Within the mind we can logically place events in categories and place the blame upon the victim…you and me and a zillion others.

And that is how abuse operates. Keep you locked in a corner, stacking up blocks, knowing it will be knocked down.

We try, within our mind to make sense, find a reason why one is deserving of abuse. If you can be kept  chanting, trying to forgive, trying to reason this out….You never touch the wound.

It gets hidden under excuses, false promises, busyness and the constant chatter of abusers.

How many times have you asked why?

If I stay in my head, I am constantly trying to make the abuser good and me ugly.

And the voice goes silent. Because if you can attack the intimate being of a person. Take a sharp hot poker and insert it into the heart of a victim….ta da…you have….

Doubt, lost faith, mind racing, confusion, body aches, depression, addiction, shame, numbness…

And I keep that stream of self mutilation going…on and on and on and on…

And one day you wake up, if you wake up at all and your 30, 50, 65…

if I try and stay in my mind I run circles…because abuse is not logical. It makes no sense.

Abusers simply use the mind to shut down the heart.

If an abuser can have you playing detective, defending yourself, set you in confusion, tear apart your self worth, play word games with them….

You never enter your heart and think…Hey…you never feel…so you come to accept it as normal behavior….

And when the abuser senses or catches you from the corner of their eye…feeling…they shut it down…with the parade and floats…

Whatever will move you away from the fact that your heart is bleeding on the carpet and you do not remember how that stain got there.

Distraction…

Word salad…projection…telling you their family does not like you…threats of court action…using your children against you….

Go look in the mirror….look at your color….look at your eyes…

Do you see life…?

Or do you see blank….

Do you remember who you are…who you were created to be…

Or is all that lost in some definition produced by the abuser.

Mind…logic comes in handy….it did for me…

As a child…having no food and knowing without food for one more day…would put me in a box…six feet under…that thought was from my heart and I engaged my mind so I could survive…because I wanted to live…yes..even that child of 2…

So I sat under the table with the most wonderful dog ever…Two Bits and ate dog food…and that dog..engaged its heart because it passed me dog food..piece by piece..

My dad..going straight for destruction of the heart…withheld food from his children to teach them they were trash…

That did not go to my mind…that went to my heart…and it almost won…

because even to this day…I struggle with eating…

And not because my mind thinks that….but because my heart, my being still believes, just a sliver now…that I do not deserve food….better off dead….and I am 53.

People..most recently an abuser who used it against his daughter, decided to use it against me…they know what to do…

And had me believing I was not deserving of food, kindness, safety….and they played on that wound…

And for a moment…I was immobilized….

The daughter…is stuck for life….because she wants to believe…the words…I Love You…and then the slap.

None of these actions played on my mind….yet they allowed my mind to direct the parade…

Each action…to this day, plays on my heart…

And for a long time…even right this moment…I am scared…

Not of what “they” will do to me…

But of what has gone down in my heart…it is protected…

And today I remove the protective covering…all the barbed wire…all the land mines surrounding it…and let it bleed…

I admit…my father tore my heart to shreds…and I cannot say I love him…or will ever forgive him…at least not according to this world’s view of forgiveness…which is forgive me and then let me keep punching you…so there is a good chance I will not ever be there.

I admit…another tore my heart up..played on the wounds…added to the shame…and logically..in my mind…I should walk away…forgive and forget….

But no…when you keep pissing in my mouth and telling me it is fine wine…my heart goes in full gear…

I am tired of playing the simpleton…bowing my head..and conceding to threats…

This is a pain I cannot describe…

Yet I know many feel it…

It is what causes all those physical pains there is no explanation for…

It is what causes you to spend night after night wide awake…(a fine tool of the abuser..sleep deprivation).

It is what makes you screaming one second…and apologizing the next…

It makes you put on all that makeup…wear the low cut shirt to show the goods…so you are accepted….damn if that aint the biggest illusion out there….

If you stepped into the heart. One would see the powerful beating, rush of blood, valves opening and closing, beat after beat after beat…

It cannot be destroyed…

It cannot be denied…

It must be that which steps forth from us…

It must be that which speaks…

To those who have enacted abuse against me…I do not concede…

I do not give you the logic…the calm, predictable words….

I give my heart…because within it you see the mighty beast…

And that beast which conducts my life….continues on and on…every time you knock me down to the floor…speak slander of my name…shame me into silence…I get back up…

Because I wonder…not in my mind…but in this majestic heart…

What wounded you so…that you kill those who love….

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~ by HopeGlenn on December 16, 2016.

2 Responses to “Abuse is not logical”

  1. A very moving post. You have come so far. ❤

    Like

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