Carry this for me

Abuse is like a game of tag…tag your it…snag you got it…

Kind of like cooties when we are a kid….

But a bit more dangerous…

Abuse has no agenda other than to pass off the abuse, so it is carried by you…the victim.

And again and again I am going to use that word. It forces the mind…which has been led down a dark alley, to see what has been enacted upon you.

The greatest accomplishment of abuse is to bring someone along for the ride.

The greatest accomplishment for abuse is to get someone believing this is all deserved.

A belief that you did something to cause this.

A belief that your only purpose in coming into this world was to be utilized for abuse.

And the crazy thing…the absolute nut job of a thought is….

It is accomplished…

And then further victimization comes about by the sugar coating fantasy ride put upon those who speak.

Forgiveness…

Positive thoughts….

Chants…

Forgiveness…..hmmm…the simple thought of forgiveness suggests there is an act to be forgiven for. And there is someone to forgive.

Kind of goes backwards to silencing the victim.

How do I forgive for an event I am being told I am to blame for by either being a child(seductive of course) or that out of control, just are not thankful enough person?

Yeah that one stumps me too.

Yet forgiveness has been thrown at me for a long time…

And not so much from the one doling out the abuse…yet from those who tell me how to Survive…another fun word.

Positive thoughts….another hmmmm…

How can I have positive thoughts when I have been told…

You are a hole….you make me do this to you….you are worthless…how come you so pretty little boy…or oh precious baby girl…

I have heard these as a child…as an adult…and especially when I started speaking…

The only thoughts most victims can gather about themselves are shame, suffering, worthless, stupid, ugly, not good enough, better off dead…

And when that chemical starts running through your body…all sorts of physical manifestations come about…

Things lodged so deep inside…your body just does them…

It takes its cue…

And again…the need for abuse is silence…

Silence the heart.

Silence the brain.

Because if you silence the person…you control them. And you have them spinning in circles trying to figure out how to make themselves acceptable…

And they must focus on all the physical manifestations(which are actually gifts) and can never look at what just happened….

Or why I lean that way.

Why do I react that way.

Why .

I spent time, looking in the mirror, trying to figure out how I could reconfigure my features to be pretty. Because if I was pretty I would not get abused…

That is what abuse tells people…you are ugly.

So the natural next thought is…I am being abused because I am ugly.

I spent time working out my body. Trying to “properly” recover from having children. Because abuse does not happen to people with the perfect figure.

So the natural next thought is…I am being abused because I am not thin enough.

OR

The sick twist in all of that…conditioning….being told you are here to be used sexually..so you do all the tricks of the trade as they say…

You become an object and like magic…you see everyone else as an object.

And when you see one as an object, they have no value…

We live in a world that is replacement ready…

Everyone is replaceable…

You are IRREPLACEABLE.

What is the truth…and what is the lie?

I can tell you which one over 75% of people will pick.

Why do I struggle with this madness?

Because we believe this madness.

Abuse

Silence the being.

Shut off life force.

Delete all previous files. Insert new deviant files. Kind of like a science fiction movie.

Scatter their heart.

Intimidate, threaten, deprive, condition.

Till the human body follows along like a well behaved dog, we smack every once in awhile, just for good measure. To let victim know…we is in control.

And then the game, the course of abuse does not even need our presence about. It just does.

And does…and does…

I sit and write…journal…

And some days its pages upon pages…

Some days its the date…

And the purpose of it…is to kick out the demons…

I must start somewhere..and the most viable entry for me is my brain…

Headaches from an early age…and now headaches manifesting from physical abuse.

Yet it is still my weak point….and I say that with great love.

Because my brain is far from weak…

Yet it holds in it many, many memories…

Dreams of what I hoped for…fantasies of what I think life should have been…I’m smiling as I write this.

And all the words, meant to disable me…and some of them were yesterday…and some 50 years ago.

So I must pause….I must…

And say…how come this hurts, or it hurts to turn my neck, why are my shoulders up around my ears, why do I want to go back under the covers and hide, why do I want pills to make me sleep?

Because I am believing the lie…

I have taken into me…lies.

And it is a well known scenario…

And I must do my work…I must…

I must scream at the top of my lungs that these are lies…

I must fight for me…because what I am is outstanding…

I must declare through my voice…that when I see abuse…I will not cower…I will fight and speak for those inflicted…because in doing so I fight for me…and I send a declaration out there…that life is valuable…and I enable another to lift there eyes towards a different place…which is entirely possible…

And even if I speak..or take a corrective action while my neck crunches, and my eyes are twitching. And I believe no one wants to hear this voice…a lie..

I can after the moment passes…sit…and place my holy hands(because we are all holy beings), upon my jaw and over my eyes…and tell them…

You are allowed to see yourself through truth and your eyes…not through the lies of abuse…and I can tell my neck that it can turn a different way…and feast my eyes upon pretty, smart, brave, loving…

Today…

I can address what was done to me…and what it has done to me…

And maybe, more than likely, when I start to deal with these physical dingy things…

I might be able to acknowledge an act…and person that I can forgive for…

And possibly, more than likely…I can be sweet to myself and say…to me…and it is also said to others…

Iam sorry…I am sorry you hurt…and I know why.

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~ by HopeGlenn on December 8, 2016.

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