In the blessed quiet of the evening…which turns into morning…I cast my eyes to the glowing embers of candles dwindled down and the flickering lights..blinking enchantment from the keyboard.

I stare quietly with no rush or exhale of air at the ceiling…imagining what it will look…as it glances from dawn to full show across the ceiling.

I cannot help but wonder, what this new day will bring me…

What thought will perplex me…what challenge will I step into…what note will this day play…

Hopes of taking this somewhat rested body on a journey…to ease out the stiffness a night with little hours slept will bring…and the decoration of fifty three years echoes within this frame..

Will I prepare…will I stumble..will I hesitate..will I awaken with a purpose…other than making it through another day…

And is that really my thoughts…?

I know briefly…days ago that felt like moments..I did not want to be…wished to cease breathing and feeling within this name…

No desire to end this journey…just encapsulated within that one moment…the desire to not be…not just me…but anything…

I wonder how many others have sat…pen poised to write those words in a journal…or whisper them in the darkened room…feeling aloneness wrap itself around you like a familiar blanket…

Not comforting and not hindering…it just is…

Not loneliness…but knowing the desire to breathe less..exhale even less…the desire to think no more…the need to shut down the many trains stopping at many stations in this brain…the core of my being…attached with unbreakable cords to my heart…beat by beat…

Sometimes I think I must be mad…to be Alice…tumbling down the rabbit hole…or Dorothy…flying through the wind…hoping something was better than the sepia landscape…

Am I mad…have I stepped into the grey zone I have never been able to read…

Or am I negotiating this space like a new novel…finding my different thoughts…and how alone…does not feel lonely…

That I am at sanctuary within self…and seek no longer to explain…I know me…and no one else can define me…and yes they have spent many days and lifetimes seeking to label me…

I never quite match up to their coloring of me…the dress never seems to quite fit…I wonder…hesitate…are they describing themselves…?

In this world that is trying to block me in on a timetable to fit some dynamic…some explanation…I stand on the edge of little known reality…

Lights move outside…just sideways of the curtains…I created…words and pictures surround me…and even though I know I am alone…right in this space…I still cause my hands to tap lighter on the keyboard…so as to not awaken another to my late night musings…

Yet who am I disturbing…no one but me…as I faced a night in bed…shutting down the thoughts running through my head…ceasing to quiet through cups of tea…and piano music meant to lull me into slumber….

Like the drink…to numb and shut one down…always a mystery to me…to vanquish the activities we engage in,,,that bring such dynamics of shame…does drink make it pretty…or go away…perhaps…yet my attention to me…my attention to my thoughts…my attention to this sleepless moment…to engage in beautiful poetry…just so presented through the melodic fingers upon this keyboard…my music…myself as my muse…

My lids grey heavy…as I repeat an action over and over again…which is noted to induce rest upon a body…better than any drug…any drink…any ooh or aah…an especially any like…

I guess the purpose of my prose in this moment is to smile…as drowsiness fills my chest…and I seek my head upon the pillow…filling myself with the knowledge that I am fearless…I do not hide…I do not lie…nor mince words…so one questions what was spoken…

Perhaps it was to say that I did not want to breathe for that time..which in my world said…feeling became too much for that moment…and then it was gone…because I said it and out loud…

My fear comes from never being able to say…this moment is not so splendid…this ah day is far from fun…but to keep it bottled within…and plaster a smile…a like…or perhaps a love….such a misuse of that word…across a page…

And then turn and say…I do not wish to breathe right this moment…because I believe  I cannot survive the second…

And maybe I will not…

But here I sit…early hours of the day…listening to the piano music play like background effect in a movie…in a play…movie…commercial…and realize….

I am still breathing…

I made it through that not wanting…to…another breathe….

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 19, 2016.

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