Definition of trust

I know, not believe or state with less clarity than anyone else…yet I know trust has become a convoluted at best reaction…knee jerk reaction to the claim we understand…

Okay give me a minute…

Last few years have been huge for me…in insight. I cannot say that the years spent with my father in child abuse and then my abusive marriage were not beneficial…they were. Yet they more or less showed me what I did not want and what I did not want to be.

That said…move forward…

In my reading, which is voracious at its smallest moments…I find more knowledge…more “aha” moments when I read fiction. Stories created within another’s  mind and then transferred onto paper for all of us to take a ride down their funny house of mirrors….

I find more relation…more commonality when I read books of the sort like memoirs…or books that contain the FACTS of what happens to the spiritual being…housed within this physical body manifesting itself through well…our life…

How our soul…heart dictates what this body does and houses within itself…our body becomes this human coloring book…

So now onto TRUST….the proverbial dirty word…

Trust is and will always be something I choose or choose not to engage in…

Trust is backed by facts another has spewed out and  I have chosen to believe and enact a path in this life….or I choose not to believe and thus I enact well another path in this life.

Example…

I come from incredible childhood abuse…bodies strewn all over the landscape….simply from a belief my father contained within himself…

He being a drunk…hey I call it as it is…and a survivor of sexual and physical abuse from his father…yet really always remained a victim…and if you met his father you would know…just in the ways his eyes moved…

Decided to abuse his children…which upon last recognition..I have a mystery sibling..that only shows itself in the sole picture I have of my father and mother…and my birth certificate…

But trust…I did not believe…did not trust the source…did not value the source…(of course that was later)…

He called me stupid…ugly…dumb…too short..too small…and then backed up each and every word with blows…oh yes..such fun…he starved us..force fed us..never let us bathe…no teeth brushing and barely had clothing..only for public appearances…

So as I grow..become the adult..I do not allow myself much food..yet run marathons(which require fuel) like a crazy person..buy clothing…crappy clothing about 12 sizes too big…or do not buy clothing…and let another tell me I do not deserve clothing…despite the obvious need and changing frame…

All because I TRUST the source that is feeding me lies…

I marry a not so good man…and produce children…well not so good…and I give them what they want…a woman who thinks…not believes she is not worthy of food, proper clothing, care and the ultimate…trust…

I do not give it, because in my world…it is not real…

Okay fast forward to today…last 4 years many things to make me think…Hey wait a minute…

People telling me they do not trust…not liking what I say…and one should pause….

When one trusts…when you trust..when I trust…I am taking something intangible back…I am shoving the lies right back up in your face…I am claiming and pronouncing you are a liar and not worth my trust…you essentially have removed your value…because I see clearly..I have taken back me..my power…

And when I do that..I stop doing all that stupid, moronic, abusive bullshit that litters ones life…because you believe the liar…

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard…I do this…and I do this…and the way I do it is drunk and stoned…because really it hurts so much…

But really you do it drunk and stoned and keep inflicting momentous amounts of pain on oneself…to validate..a truth…really an untruth…that one or two or three zillion…have said is real…

All the eggs go in that basket…and life becomes this recovery of living the lie…

And that has no recovery…that my friend only keeps it going….the sheer freaking stupidity of lies…disguised as truth…

And who wants to tell someone stop it…because then we would have to stop it..we would have to apply the brakes…correct the action…go and seek healing to the wound…no matter what the response back…we would have to admit…we enable…we decorate..we would prefer to keep the lie going…rather than give freedom..breathe..oh and hope…

We would have to admit..we hold all the power….

Not just some little smidge…to pick up the food we should not eat..or go to the internet site we should not visit…or hide the bottle in the spot we think is brilliant…or say…I like being abused…cause then I can abuse back…

Any of this making you cringe…?

I am…

Because as I lay there this morn…thinking of a good reason to get up…

Besides my dog Mollie needing me..and to go visit the grass outside…

And people who rely on me…which is nice..very nice…

I thought…who do I trust…

And ME became my first word…like I had just been born…

I trust and I take back me…

Not me viewed through whomevers eyes…and I will admit things are a bit fuzzy…silly sounding coming from a woman on the threshold of 53.

But viewed by me…

The absolute truth of me…

Which will only be discovered through spiritual work…

No moaning please…

Spiritual work actually contains a lot of sitting…

Because it requires you to feel…damn I knew there was a trick in there…

It requires you take that numbness in…take the perversion in…the deviance…the anger…the lost hope…the laughter..the joy…all of it and find what is real.

Not real like this is such a rush and woohoo a quick high…

Like that puzzle piece…you have been looking forever for…the one that fell down the heating grate…under the couch…

The one that says…Oh snap..I trust me…and has you…

Go to the grave site…and hand them back their lies…and realize they never got to the point of realizing they had been played also…

That enables you to make that call or do a face to face and say…stop…no more..I told you wrong…

The one that says I no longer struggle with this bottle…or perversion…because I know this truth…I know what I am…

And trust…your being never goes into another thing ever again…to be searched for the rest of this life..

It is present…breathing…moving…

Not locked and tortured in a used body…

Not locked into a television…

Not even found in a child’s face…

It just spoke something…

Can you hear it…?

Hello…

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 4, 2016.

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