Forgiveness is not part of healing

Oh sometimes I want the whole group of you to LIKE ME…and most of the time…I could care less…

Forgiveness has been a prevailing subject matter in the course of my life for the last few months. So today I embrace and thank my guides for presenting it to me after my attempts to push it to …later…

I have been told…I will not be successful…I will not be happy…I will not be good…I will not be loved… I will not be forgiven or even given time from God…unless I forgive others…or even myself…

Now this has always kind of irked me…why…

Perhaps it is the notion of a GOD…who rules over all…loving only to those who follow the prescribed script…and again I pause…

Perhaps it is the notion that I am nothing…incapable…unraveling weak female without doing what GOD says and the world’s prescribed notion of that…given by a patriarch ruling force…

Perhaps it is from the notion that I am incapable of feeling this life…and tone of these people who inhabit this place…and able to make decisions all by myself….

Perhaps it really is from the fact that I have succeeded…not believed the lies spouted to me…gone down the path that is covered in brambles and such little foot traffic has allowed the path to be obscured…almost disappear…

Perhaps it is the fact I have not forgiven…nor forgotten my father, my ex husband, the rapist and the profound liar, nor their minions…

Perhaps I have acknowledged what they have chosen to be…and please note the word chosen…not created…

Perhaps it is the fact I have thrown off the extensive words like blankets off of me…and have sought to find truth…the real meaning of love…not one that causes me to stumble and skin my ears from forced respect.

Because respect is an acknowledgement that everything deserves life…and seeing it in its glorious form…that is what we cannot stand..is that everything is glorious..sparkly and shiny and then well we dirty it…meaning us…

And then we seek another to absolve us of it all…

Because we are terrified of finding our true selves…we like playing with the false self so much more…

Because if I addressed what I really am…I would run to the nearest toilet and barf until my insides came out because of all the putrid filth I have allowed to define me…

So that is the journey I am on…

Not forgiveness…healing…

The search to pull off one more layer and discover me…

Not to say I am sorry to anyone, especially not myself…

Oh how we have been trained to apologize for even breathing…

We walk around so unacknowledged of life…others…that is why we kill, maim and beat the life out of people…and then tell them to forgive us…so we can keep doing what we are doing…

Because heck..who wants another being to know how freaking amazing they are…and how we have chosen to be crap…and we will not allow them to be freaking amazing….cause well that makes us look bad…and shows once again the filth we are covered in…

People ask me some weird questions…maybe it is the look on my face or whatever…maybe it is how I wont back down…

Got asked about my feelings about sex outside of marriage…

And I broke it down this way….

Sex.

Used to be making love….exchange of energy between two loving people…

Then it became sex…because we let the filthy part we placed inside of us rule…

Now well we F—…..

So who needs forgiveness here?

My observations of what has happened?

My talking about sex?

My definition placed on this?

Or is it sex outside of marriage that I need to ask forgiveness for?

None of the above or any others one could attach…

The only thing I need to think…and yes hate..have anger over is this…and then this can heal…

Is how I have allowed…a group of sick people to define and make a creative force into filth…

How I have allowed it to be used for rape..sex trafficking…abuse to our children..abuse to ourselves and those we say we love…abuse between partners…abuse to suck the life out of others…shame…damn the list could go on for a month…get my point yet…

So no..I wont even broach forgiveness or its synonyms…until we acknowledge what we have done..stop demanding another fix you…and look in the mirror and start scrubbing…

I end with this…

“don’t let other people choose your path for you. Deep down you know the right way to go, so do the right thing and follow your heart”

And I add on this…find your heart…

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on September 9, 2016.

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