The saga continues, but not really…

Mainly because I put a stop to it.

There are a lot of disordered people roaming this planet…more than I have time for…

Fresh out of a relationship with one…and noticing some of the surrounding interactions in my daily sphere are reflections of behaviors I allowed and allow.

OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this point they seem so glaringly bright…like I am sitting half an inch from the sun.

Why do they now seem so umm obvious..?

Being in abuse…lets call it what it is…narrows down your scope…your view is now reduced to the diameter of a straw…and not the Slurpee straw…and this can go on for many years.

You become accustomed to poundings being your world…you are used to self doubt..even hesitating on what you want to eat..or even shampoo…you just grow safe in it…

Kind of like Tinkerbell just wanting Peter Pan to see her as only magic..not Wendy….

And you literally have no idea that the world is any different…

And you pull in…or give permission to…all these things that feed that myth…that cycle of belief we have created.

And who can blame us…it is all we have had…or that has been playing in our game of catch…

Kind of like a young woman having baby after baby…hoping this one will be the one to make me pretty..acceptable(we tend to not reach past acceptable…another flavor would destroy our palette)…

Hoping for some validation for the abuse a parent…screwed them up with…did happen…

And that is what it boils down to….

yet eventually…a child gains its voice…and well tells you to take a hike…and then we invalidate…to validate…

So here I sit…in the middle…left a bad relationship…and now am viewing these things from the center of the world…

At first…and this messes with your sleep…you take the blame on you…and many blogs and such will talk about…how you need to change…

And this is where I say…NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!….another two words came out of my head..but I placed those onto the side…so I could let them simmer….

The reason this disordered person came my way..looked my way..wanted me in their life..glued at the hip…protection from their psycho family…was….

My heart…

Wounded…aching…freeing…loving….wild…kind…knows right from wrong…spectacular….

And still loves…MIGHTILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even after childhood abuse….bad marriage…homelessness…hunger…faith doubts…

I still choose love…

And I am told..I must change..if I want to make myself better so this does not happen again…

So I never run into an angry…disordered person again…

Well that will never happen….

Because they are everywhere…I got two teachers who are that way and a couple of classmates…what should I do..run them out of town…? Or perhaps seeing what they are…diffuses their power and mine is not taken….aha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And my task is not to change this wonderful passionate woman…

It is to pay attention…give notice…acknowledge…push through all the road blocks that have been placed in front of me…speak…

And realize that they are LIARS….

Everything they do is to destroy…

Not because you are flawed…but because you are so right on the money…it freaks them out beyond words…it shakes them to the core…

Many therapists will say…you need to change…you need to become bulletproof….

Tell me lovely…why?

Do the things you need to be safe…

Change the number…and try to accept the hands that are lifting you up for change…

And stop believing we are all here for drama…

We are all here for love…

And just because someone tried to tell you..that love is wrong…makes them stupid and not you…

Tell me..do you want to be with someone…give your energy to someone who refuses love…?

You have to seek the path…the answers that will come to you…just ask…

And stop believing the lies…

And I know..I know how hard it is…easier to believe your dirty than to believe you are so beautiful…

Every day…many moments in the day…a tear falls and I think..stupid..ugly…shame…

And I must lift my eyes…upward…

That there is nothing to change about this majestic heart…

Except…TO KEEP LOVING….

And that is the only answer…solution…mechanism…that will heal this world…

Not returning hate for hate or lying and saying it does not hurt or you do believe the monster…and one day you will not…

It is love…simple…in its delivery…and so freaking complicated in what it does…

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~ by HopeGlenn on September 7, 2016.

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