Refusing to go quietly away into the night……

I guess in some way…I should tuck tail and go quietly into the night. Something each person who has been knocked about hears….”be quiet or I will ruin you”…pardon me…but I cannot be silent. Every time I think of doing this, being silent…I great surge fills my heart, like a fire hose placed in my heart and the valve is released. Someone out there needs to read these words and know it is not them..it is the one knocking them around…over and over again…someone out there needs to see that one who is intelligent as I am…fell for it..

And it has nothing to do with intelligence or smarts or good skills…yet has everything to do with…you being so pure and so beautiful…being sought out by pure evil…

No matter how many discussions I have on this subject..me and others have never found a more apt label for it other than pure evil…and evil it will always be…and the reason you did not see it and really thought this person dug you…swooned over you…was because they are evil and you cannot even comprehend doing this to another being…and even now..as you are dripping blood from your wounds..you have no desire to hurt this other person…all you want is to make it stop…and have an answer for WHY?

Bad news first…you will not have an answer to that…not the answer you want…to be perfectly honest…that would be an apology..an admittance of wrongdoing…

Nah aint gonna happen…the only answer you will receive is along these lines….

You great supply…you are kind and gentle and sweet…and have life oozing from every pore…your beautiful…a great cook…loving, kind, dynamic in so many ways…

And that makes you oh so tasty to Narcissists….HSP’s…who have gone bat shit crazy…Sociopaths…Psychopaths…

Because you are everything they refuse to be…note the word Refuse…They can be good…but have refused…and besides that would take an unearthing of their dark soul and a good long look in the mirror…and shucks..who wants to do that…that means accountability…compassion…BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! to them…why bother…chewing the meat off your bones is so much more fun…

Letting you know they have had anal sex with many men..unprotected…and women do not have hairy butts makes sex with you so much better….has such an extra punch…while your having sex…or sharing a moment…and you start counting the times you have had sex with him…while trying to monitor the vomit crawling up your throat…and the screams of anguish…that your soul has no words for…makes it all the more fun…

Interesting how when you asked questions about past lovers…they lied…shocking and failed to mention…little facts like…”well…I started my pedophile career about the age of 9..in the locker room..when my parents signed me up for swimming…because I had the perversity of a wandering eye…and my parents provided me with meat…rough but true…but hey I was just following in my parents footsteps of perversity…why break tradition…right?

Because if they told you truth…you would not be there…would you…and silence the voice…that says..well it would be someone else..yes it would…but that is not your fight..sweetheart…Karma has a way of taking care of things…

Amazing how you see his daughter waggle her tits..and bend over in front of daddy and turn and smile at you…while her daddy is remembering the last time he well…did her…his daughter…or failed to mention…oh by the way…her son is my grandson/son….let that sink in…and we are all awaiting to see what the next child looks like…so is Social Services…

Understand why you stayed…why you returned…

None of this would ever occur to you on any level…not even on your base level…that is why you were chosen..for that reason…they do not choose randomly…they pick those who love with all of them…(i know, you do not feel so loving right now. But you will..you are protecting yourself now…good…)..

You are incapable of grasping this in any way…because of how wonderful you are…what an amazing creature you are..and their purpose..sole focus..is to destroy you..make all that disappear…till you are a carcass on the ground..lost forever…and they are full..sort of till the next supply is around…and honey they have a second and a third and maybe a fourth..the whole time they are with you…

Remember the silent treatment…? when you could not figure out…what you did…so you tried everything to get them to like to you again..not to make you feel like you were not worthy to exist…and when they have achieved that…well bingo..goal is met…

The whole schematic is doubt and destruction…walking on eggshells…questioning yourself all the time…isolation…depriving you of affection….doing things you would never do…but you will do them..to make this thing like you again…

I know..been there…

I was there…2 years…out of my mind..doing the dance…left…and should have left differently…but I trusted people who were doing the same shit to me…they just had a prettier format…backdrop…

Came back after 6 weeks..was homeless…and believed his lying email…and by the way..I was the one to break the silence…and NO…I will not beat myself up…I loved..he vomited…end of sentence…

After another year…just about..I left again…and they know when you are leaving…and they do not like it…they like to discard you…because then you will come back…and if they are older..they probably are far from pretty and shiny…and their ability to get source is greatly decreased…so they need you…cause you are bright..pretty…and shiny…

This time..the police stood by and watched…and please do not get me started on that…

And watched and chatted with him…and agreed with him…I was stealing…

And he was as nice as he could be…wanted to help…and when I refused his help I was scolded by the police…now I understand the condition of this world and what is happening…

After I got everything out..the police left…he was so nice…offered to give me his life blood if I wanted it..pleaded with me to stay…

And I saw something…that will be with me..even into this next life…I saw ME..and what I really was…

I saw my eyes…blue like the turquoise sea…alabaster skin…glowing with fireflies…blond hair(which is growing again)…devastating smile..that lights up the darkest corners…hands that are strong..that cared for 4 babies…all by myself…and moved mountains that day..and the healing abilities I carried through those fingers…and the work I had already done and was going to do…

Empathy..that had tears running down my cheeks at the loss of our humanity and understanding where it had gone to…yet feet..which at one time ran…but this time stayed glued to the truck edge when he offered me his hand in need..and his want to keep me present…and legs which had walked from there to the other side of the world that day…and still could scale a mountain…and would be there for those who truly needed me and had no voice or no one to speak for them…

And this brain…that cooks food…with brilliance and taste…slap you silly taste…designs and sews with such beauty..you did not know such things existed…intelligence to conquer any thing I confronted..problem solver..solution maker…at my finest…

And I saw my heart…oh the majestic being that I am…how deeply I love..how profoundly I give of myself…how lovely I am..and how lovely you are…and what beauty we can give each other…

But not in that…

And I saw the reason his family talked smack about me…but never confronted me…they did not want to deal with him themselves…so they made me…deal with it…and they did what cowards do..talk smack…

Two weeks out…not sleeping the best..but did not do that well there…finding my space in the bed…hogging the covers…realizing it is okay to sleep and rest…and do not have to build a moat around me…for protection…

Hungry as hell..I have not wanted to eat in 4 years..cannot remember the last time my stomach growled…but it does now…and no bloating…or gassy..or strange digestive issues…my body is leveling out…

Standing tall…all of my 5’9″ frame on display…head held high…remembering these shoulders and the the tattoos that speak about me…have my voice with them…

Running again…climbing stairs…watching at 52..my stature…endurance and strength come back to me in a windfall…you think I was 25…

And slowly but surely..every day..I am seeing me…beyond all the lies..hocus pocus…gibber and jab…it is a few peeks here and there..but it is showing itself…I have been lost for a number of years…but with all the butterflies and dragonflies swooning around me…I think I will figure it out…and my hawk..has followed me to my new home…and drops a feather or two..and calls so my eyes go upward to the magical skies…and I remember…

Yes I am timid..in ways…but there is a lion behind that…

My teachers and some classmates have noted to me of the timidness…and have encouraged me to roar…because I am beautiful…and have so much greatness about me…and they would know..they themselves are great…

And I continue forward..detoxing…healing..going on..stepping back…waiting…asking…crying..pursuing…and it will take time…

And I know I am healing great chasms in me…a man talked to me the other day…told me something funny and I laughed so hard I snorted…and I smiled…

And not for a second..did I believe I needed to cover my mouth..or look down…or wrap my arms across my chest…or apologize for not being something…

And as I walked away…I thought…looking up into the sky…

How long has the sky been this blue….?

And again…I smiled…

 

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on August 25, 2016.

One Response to “Refusing to go quietly away into the night……”

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