For the Moment….

It is 2:30am…here on my side of the planet….

Went to bed at 6pm…shortly after returning from work…

Hoping to study….

But loud chaos….angst and suffering welcomed me when I entered the place I reside…for the moment…

So I escaped…went into my room and forced sleep upon this body…

Which is needed less and less these days…the more and more I sit…with this being…

Fatigue is rare….

And exhilaration is present…my mind free of the gutter it rampaged through too often…

And as you all know..I read…and quite a bit….especially books speaking of the love of mankind…

The referencing of the beauty of we beings…

The last one I put away was…”Taking the Leap” by Pema Chodron. Fascinating….

And of course…since I am the 1st prize winner in these things…I tried to tell myself…

I needed to do a much better job at loving people….

And there is my oops…

That I got down…

Loving myself…well that is a shifting sands of time event..I frequently endure…

Sounded just like a soap opera there for a moment…

And I stop for dramatic pause….

Another thing I discovered lately is that I am quite humorous….and I make people laugh and feel good about being alive…

But back to the book…

Pema speaks of not going into Sherpa whenever a feeling…emotion…ugly or lovely…presents itself….

Just ride the wave…and I think she might have said that…

It is basic paying attention to the fact you have that feeling…and possibly act ugly…scared…and go on a rant…and those are her words…close..

Sherpa involves letting those feelings take over…so you are not present…and when we let those feelings take over we are in sherpa…

Basic understanding of this is this…

Feel the feeling…notice it…pay attention to it…see how you react…spit out words…or roll out words…run…hide…or stand and let the wave hit you…

It is the awareness…and the not escaping that is what this is all about…everything….

Because nothing is being tucked under the rug…

And it is in acknowledgement of feelings we all grow..have life…remain connected…

The scary part is when we shut off to those feelings and find any way possible to not feel them…

And Why you ask…?

Because no one likes to admit they made a judgement about the woman with the tattoo…

Or the person who is a size 42….

Or the ex…

Or the boss…

Or someone of another color…

Or that person who you encounter everyday…who just grinds you mass hate…that one…

You see it is in the awareness that these thoughts…feelings are happening…and why…

FEAR….

And when we face that fear…we realize…

That person…is the same as us…

And compassion enters…yes over time…

And yes you have to put down the bottle(and look at why you keep numbing)…

Put out the cigarette…

Shut off the television…

And feel every skin crawling moment of it…

For me…this book…

Made me see…how much I do this…

Ride through the feelings…

Thus I cannot sleep…much…

And even my way of coping through the abuse…was to leave this body…

The heart was still present…very much so…

That is why…my heart wrings out at 900 degrees…and aches like words I cannot say…

And to survive…the events..I have shut off the emotions…not ridden the wave…operated in fear…believing it will kill me…

What is killing me…and making me fail in this life…and keep walking some ridiculously worn path…is

Avoidance…and thinking…oh it was not that bad…I am imagining it…

And it was that bad…

And it hurts bad…

It will not kill me…

It only opens my heart wider…and compassion…is in bounty….

Because I am just like you…

And compassion falls on self…

And I can have this dictate my life..or…live my life…

So the book…

Was a review….

Worth the time spent in reading….

Yet not much was meant for me…..

Like I pulverized myself over….and poured the vat of guilt over my head….

This book…is meant for those dying….rotting….and thinking they are flying high…

This should be at the top of their TO DO LIST….

ASAP….

Because one minute you are the little girl in the library…

And ten minutes later you wake up and you are 52….

And you cannot worry about what you did with all those years….

You got to hang on to right now…

Because this is as good as it gets….

And those are the most glorious words I have ever heard….

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~ by HopeGlenn on July 5, 2015.

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