OWWWWW…..

My head hurts…bad….

It travels down my spine….and kicks into my pelvis….

Like I was ran into from behind….

Turn my head in any angle and I swear….

I could knock down a building like Godzilla with the flame of pain swooping through my eyes….

I pull my hair back…brush it off my face….and it feels like I had the face lift ponytail….way too tight and now tenderness fills my scalp….

And this all…is…

A Good thing….

How you say….

It places me at a crossroads….

Either implode….and curse myself….

Or allow this raging ravine to make an exit…..

And know…I can not escape from reality….

Ah reality….the bitter taste left in the mouth…after…drinking sour milk….

And as a added bonus…the cycle has made its appearance….

And at 52…a groan can be heard amongst the crowd….

But again…this is a good thing….

And let me explain…

The pain in my head….can be thought…induced by the pressure systems…parading about this part of the country….

One minute you are upright….smiling and the next…you are vomiting in your shoes…and wishing to high heaven…someone would knock you out….

Wishing you could wrap yourself in a heating bad the size of a blanket…while someone dunked you in a ice bath…to cool the heat…that has no reasoning…

And the pain in the head…in the spine…in my fingers…twitch in my eye…can be related to the pressure system…

Because it is this way…I know…I got issues…

And casting me aside…no matter how good I am at it…will not work….

Because I keep dragging my foot…bruising my hip…breaking my elbow…and I am facing the loss of me…

I realize…and trust me I have tried…spent a lifetime of minimizing my history…

Making it a pretty picture…

Look at the face…the blue eyes and blond hair…the athletic frame…the age that does not show on me…

Distractions….

A childhood of horrors….

And why do I make it better….

Because if you can handle it and still find me pretty…then I am okay…

But really I suck….

Because no one told me to act this way…except those who go about abusing…

Like my father….my previous husband..and a few others….but at this moment I wont say…because I do not think I can handle the thought…of me saying this moment…I do not love them presently…

It is in there…but first I have to oh God heal me…

Take this fine being…and let her live…

because this pain in my head…spine…

Is telling me one thing….

I really have let myself be treated poorly….(see the minimizing)….

I have accepted so much bullshit…so many justifications…

How many of us…speak a moment of our hearts…and then be told we are doing something wrong?

Hush up and make whoever happy….

Being silenced by another so they do not have to look at their shame…is like frosting a cake….easiest thing to do…you just never have enough frosting….and the cake is lopsided….

How many times do you speak…tell of your desire….a color you want to wrap about you…and then after being beaten up…go and do something to make the person like you….?

You know I got my hand raised…

And that is why I will sit with this pain…

And have a cycle at 52…without frowning….

And know…that I am lost….and scared…

And this will not go away…

Until I turn every stone over and look at all of this…and not make it pretty….

And not make this into a parade float…

And I have no clue what to do…or how to proceed after writing this post…

Yet I know one thing…and one thing only…

I changed this…I shifted…

I see now…

That this pain…imbalance…weariness in my bones….

Is not by my hand….

It is by another’s……

And not my job to clean up….

My only job…if you call it that….

Is to acknowledge…

even in deep fear…uncertainty…and visions of homelessness…

And no matter how this ends…

I know…my body knows…

And being well…Mandy is…the best flavor of any month….

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~ by HopeGlenn on July 1, 2015.

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