The Get over it….

I have heard that many a time…and easily accepted it as truth….

It must be a way to deal with things….

Things you may be unaware of on the conscious level…yet swirl in the being….constantly….

And I thought about abuse….

Not of my marriage…because in truth…that is just a carry over from my childhood…

So I speak of abuse…

And think….this thought…

If I am to just get over it…

How do I get over it…if I can never deal with it…?

If my mentality is to be…just let it go…

Where is it going…?

Because it is not going away….

No matter how many times I smile…

Or bake 1000 chocolate cakes and relish in the divine flavor of frosting…

It still sits with me…

So why does a hand on my shoulder…cause me to shiver and tears come rushing forth…?

Why does the thought of a hug…from a man…and those who have a pretense of being a man…make me step back and feel along the wall for the handle to escape…

And why…?

Why does everyone say..get over it…?

Even those who have been in my shoes…and they were told to get over it…or the ship would sink…

And the ship has sunk…because they have not gotten over it….

Because the moment you turn to a hurting soul…and say..wipe those tears…go back in there and say you are alright….and get over it….

You have just negated…the profoundness of them…of life….

What profoundly beautiful creatures we are…inhabiting this frail human body..made strong by this psyche…that fights for life…

And through it all dares to breath….

I cannot…I repeat…I cannot get over this..until I face it….on my time…

And to be honest..those times are the most inconvenient for everyone else…but the most perfect for me…

I should pause…when I check the door locks…for the 10th time in five minutes…

What am I checking for…?

What am I seeking reassurance for…?

What has happened….what is so deep in there….

That at 52…I am still six years old…trying to find a safety net to jump to…

And words to explain….this….

I cannot ever get over it…

Events such as these…live within our DNA….

They incorporate themselves within our cells…

They dwell in this being…

And our bodies attempt to incorporate them as truth…as identities…

And how to live with them…

It is part of how I view myself….

It is in my chemical makeup….

It breathes into my cells….

And two choices always present themselves to me…always…

Option one…

Run away to some unknown area….change my name…work in simplicity…doing a no name job…occupying a small space…and a life with small interactions…

Allowing that STUFF…to just meld down and be quiet for the rest of my life….

Option Two….

Pause…when something happens…feelings arise….peel back every layer of the onion…

Step back…do not intervene…do not make everyone else comfortable…or show some falsehood of how well I have dealt with this…

Step aside…from the naysayers…and feel what I feel…even in the most inconvenient time…which is usually when I am standing right in front of my trigger…

Let my heart guide me…let me love myself…let me say…I cannot do this…or…move aside let me feel all of this…and please oh please….can someone hold my hand…even when I squeeze it so tight…I whimper….and not tell me…I should be done with this…

I cannot be done..until I face it…

Until the day I can look in the mirror…and keep eye contact…and say…I like you…and keep eye contact…

Cause this aint about…getting over anything…I can never get over anything…and neither can you…

Each event…each moment becomes part of the being….

And until I can say..this is part of me…my being…which is part of all of us…

And today..I will dress it different…feed it something else…read it a different story….

To get a glimpse of the majesty contained within me…

And that majesty…abuse intended to destroy…

It aint the law of attraction…

It aint the thought creates the world…and just think better…

It is the powerful notion…that this…this wrestle..is the most important thing…

And no one..should try and take that away….

And maybe this perfect being….

Will find a way…to simply make peace….

Not because of any great feats…crossing the moat of fire…or machine gunning down the enemy….

Perhaps it is..in the making of peace within myself…and knowing….

It is so okay…to cry…

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 9, 2015.

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