Not quite sure….

Not a state of mind….

Just a peculiarity on what to call this space I now write about….

And I begin with this quote….

“Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark.”

Elizabeth Gilbert

Today…as I stood from lunch…with my bags about me…I almost fled…

Anxiety was riddling me…like bullets from a machine gun….

And the only thing I was able to do for that moment was…flee….

We all have the fight or flight response….

Me…I am the fighter….

Not throwing punches…or cursing words….

Protection…first of my siblings and then of my children….and I think now as I stare down mid 50’s….ME…

And I will stand and have a crusade for wrongs done…I will…pummel it into the ground….so it will not be forgotten….

And that is a good thing…

Yet I need the same for myself…

And it was not until today…that I gained that skill….

And the quote I read this evening…upon returning from 8 hours in classes and 6 hours of employment….

Add in a flat tire…that was fixed in angelic record speed…

And time that stood still…to have me arrive and clock in for work at the exact moment I was due to begin….

Made me think….HMMMMMMM…..

And this quote made me see…

That my faith for this moment….finally was within myself…and for myself….and I began by fighting for myself…and recognizing….I was a fighter…

And as I stood there…looking at my instructor…and speaking that it was time to flee….

She spoke about bubbles….

Bubbles floating to the surface….

Things long ago…tucked away…washed of hope and faith….obscured by lies…yet needing…the fight of this lady…

And with tears in my eyes…not knowing if the collapse would happen……

I plunged into the dark….

And I have never been one to go slowly into anything….

I fought back the tingling fear…creeping up my spine…trying to lodge itself in my eyes…to obscure….

That I was useless…a blunder…selfish…because at 52…I was paying attention to me…

And I had to face this stuff….we all got stuff….

So I pushed through it…

Was transparent…

And allowed myself to bubble….

You see…

I have been doing time….

Playing the same notes over and over again….

So on Thursday I went out…with a girlfriend…and silly enough…much younger than me….

And

I laughed and snorted…..

And then I went to class…and sat in a class that talked about all sorts of things…and I opened my voice and said….”what about this”….

And I plunged straight ahead…not hoping for anything but hope…

And I got the world….

And I experienced all the grace I had given in my life…in a moment of time….

Just as I pulled my car off the road…and saw a flat tire…

Two men…walked by and started and finished fixing my tire….

Then in a rush for time…and not wanting to be late….time slowed….and 5 minutes became 15….and so on and so on…

And I paused….and I saw the fight for self…and what it avails…

I spoke…and said…I am not doing a good job with this…I will do better…and the moment I spoke is the moment it happened….

And the Universe…God…gave me the greatest gift…I was heard….

And is that not one of the most greatest gifts one could get…think about it….

To be heard…not shushed…

To not be told…let it go…

To know that right now…you let a piece of it go….and later more would follow….

And that right now…you are trying to get over it…

And one day….you will look back…and not trivialize it…and the description of yourself you carry now…will cease to exist…

And you will wonder who that was…but in a good way…

And you will see yourself the way you really are…the way others see you….even the fools who try and convince you…you are trash….

Just because today…or yesterday…or even tomorrow…you will step…blindly into faith….

And have no expectations….

And yet…find solid ground….

And as I hear many of the great minds say….

“It will all be okay”….

Cause it will….

And okay is just dandy…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 25, 2015.

One Response to “Not quite sure….”

  1. Okay IS just dandy. and I have faith it will all be okay. great words!

    Like

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