Chopped at the Knees…..

Making decisions usually precedes a thought process…investigating what everyone will think of you…if you do this or that…what they think of you as a person…and what they think of you…

And that tends to be the way one makes a decision….

I should know…I have spent a lifetime doing that….and the ding….ding…ding just went off….

I was…note the was….doing just that….

Making a decision on what someone thought of me….

Which at the best is a false idea…a twisted reality…because when one speaks about another….

Giving a summation of what they think the person is….

They are 99.9% of the time talking about themselves…profoundly….

Scary when you think about it….Huh…!!!!!

Yet we as loving beings…take that shit on like nobody’s business…and we take it as gospel….

What other people think of you is none of your business.

So as I sit here making a huge decision…and all of them are…because of the impact they have upon us…

I am thinking of someone else…and what they think about me….and that for some awful reason is having a decision factor in my decision….

Why for the love of peanut butter…am I allowing that….?

Simply…because I do not trust self…not many of us do…

So it is a simple maneuver to pull us into doubt and lets beat me up days…

Just takes a word….or…they see you struggling…and they tell you how you are ruining the program..played the wrong note….

And when this happens….we must…rear back…and plant our feet firmly…and recognize this…

They are speaking about themselves….

They are hurting…and see how they have let themselves down…you have sparked something inside of them…

Yet it is so much easier to attack another…drag them down..whip them around the room…and bring them to our safe…dank…known sadness…than tell them the truth…or ask for aid…assistance…and open our heart…

So much easier to watch someone carry our burdens…beat themselves into believing they are horrible…

Rather than pick up the mantle…and say…this is mine…

We spend a lifetime…making decisions on..will they like me…what do they think…is it the right thing for them…

Geesh….no wonder I am so tired….

And tonight…as my eyes are drooping and I find fatigue chasing me and winning…

And my excitement for class is waning and I am thinking I am suffering for having work the next day…and poor me…

I paused…

Why am I so tired…?

Why am I so ungrateful…?

Why am I so defeated and thinking a job is life sucking…?

Why…?

And yes why always has an answer…we just do not like the one we hear…

I am not tired because I go to school…7 hours at a time…3 times a week…

I am not tired because I work 10 hour shifts…5 times a week…

I am tired because I am trying to have another find…satisfaction in what I am doing and is it okay…Am I okay..?…do you like me…?

I did not pause…for a second and say…do I like me…?

It was all about someone else….

Damn…to hell in a hand basket…

And truth be told…

One minute they will like you…and then later…when they slip into their behaviors..they will hate you…and say things that will make you run…and you will feel like a crazy person…

Because you will constantly be…seeking…what is the truth…?

The decision I must make…you must make…the person next to you must make…the neighbor down the street…must make…

It without your perspective of yourself…added in…nor your temperamental tantrums…which arise…at the most critical hour…or they say the eleventh hour….

I was ready..to throw away…a career…my calling for some fool…who one minute liked himself and the next did not…

And wanted me to believe this is truth about me…

On what planet would any of that be true…?

A person..who was careless with their life..and wanted a partner…wanted someone to be accountable for their s…!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So your opinion of me..does not matter….

What you think of me…does not matter….

Until the day..one can be straight with me…speak truth..in love…

I aint listening….

Because when one is straight…in love…

They will want you to fly….

Not sink down to the bottom of the hole…wrestling in tar…carrying their sickness…

Love wants the best…so I will tell you the truth about yourself…

And I hope…I pray….that I am brave enough…have the courage…to speak truth to you…love you…

Even at the point I am not capable or willing to do that for myself…

Even to the point I am willing…to not take your life…

Even when it pinches…even when the lighting makes me look a bit sick…even seeing me on my bad side…my profile…even when you see my tears and all my frailties…

Until that point….

My opinion….matters nothing…

 

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on April 9, 2015.

2 Responses to “Chopped at the Knees…..”

  1. this is absolutely beautiful…

    Like

  2. This is wonderful. And I find myself doing the same thing, making decisions based on what someone else thinks. I know I am smart. Why can’t I think for myself? I am working on this behavior but I find myself still having difficulty at times.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: