Just a bit uncomfortable….

This subject matter makes me uncomfortable to talk about….

Not because of the subject….but because it has been a prevalent theme my entire life…and I have finally found out what is happening in this yonder soul of this being…

So that is the positive….

At some point in addiction…one crosses over the line into lifelong illness….

And I am not being specific and saying much of anything about the physical aspects…even though they tend to be items one deals with…

I am referencing the soul destruction….

Addiction in my view can be best seen in “crack babies”…babies born from mothers who are addicts of some sort…and are born with no conscience…

This is not something one advertises, yet they stand out in a group…they are the children who have no empathy, compassion…can push other children or adults around and have no response in an emotional level…

We all have seen them…

And one can be an addict of bad…drugs to simple bad drugs that one takes for lets say…a social anxiety disorder…

Which in my thoughts..if I am to be honest is a pampering of a sickness seen early on…in children because we become scared of our children and the fits they might throw if we say no…and are different than the “other” parents….

Please understand I am not referencing legitimate issues….

I have many a friend who lives moment by moment with these…

Who knows..I have something..I just have not put a label on it…and that is okay….

But like most friends and associates I know…we are aware….

This discussion specifies those who are not aware they have unhinged their soul…

Those who play for years in drinking….

Each male I have known from father to husbands to boyfriend have each been an addict/alcoholic and they go hand in hand….

It is like black without white…you do not see it without the difference…

These individuals have moments of what might be an apparent attempt at a conscience…

They seem to care and be involved…

But if their blatant use of humanity is questioned they will become…shall we say difficult…

They float between periods of high looking…meaning appearing to be happy and feeling good….which is usually related to an event where they inflicted some sort of pain and/or control over another…usually the opposite sex…

And…morose…sad…wounded…no one understands…hating the sight of you…violent…try to rush you out the door faster than you can blink…

One minute they love you and literally a minute later you are the spawn of Satan….

What is this….?

I call it soul detachment….and I personally do not think it can be mended…not ever…

A person involved with a person of such nature must realize they are not with a whole person and partial humanity would be reaching…

The drug of choice has so destroyed them…they are gone…

Dealing with them always is a dance of one step forward…oops move to the left…quick swing to the back…and duck…

It is like sleeping with one eye open when you have cheated on a partner/spouse…

Waiting for the next…I hate you…period…

One has to dwell that it is living or participating with one who has one foot in death and the other hovering in life…

A life of drugs…a life of alcohol…removes us from us…and I believe it can never be given back…never restored….

I wished as a child for my father…prayers to the angels that protected me and my siblings from the drunken rages and multiple forms of abuse my father never seemed to be bothered about….

Most of the time he smiled during these times…especially when terror was wrapped up in your every cell…

Then husband…when he had lost the upper hand…you thought nice of yourself for one minute…he was as cold as ice…and used those mechanisms that they do..to pound you into the ground…

This tends to not be physical yet much more psychological…and that has been the hugest hurdle for me…at 52 I still hear those words…I call them out many times a day…

In some ways I feel more fortunate in recovery from my father…I can look at the physical scars and I can make them beautiful by connecting all my freckles….

But words are different…especially when they do not use the exact words like stupid…ugly…etc…

Then boyfriend…fits of alcohol…and animal is a nice name…swears he can stop on a dime…and claims he already has…and I cannot prove if he has or he has not…because he acts like an animal when he loses power and ability…

So it may be fresh alcohol…or the alcohol encasing his soul…

And if one can just quit…why did you go to rehab…seriously…not as simple as I think I will stop…

But that is for another day…

So as I have dealt with these people and will deal with others like this…as I am moving into this field…go figure huh…

And this is what I register….because I still have…and holy thanks to God and the Universe…I still have my fingers and toes…

These are partial people…and the longer they go on and the longer they continue to live that life…the less of them lives…and I have to look at them that way…and make my interactions and choices reflect…my consistency and their inconsistency….

Part of them knows..a small part registers…that they are gone to this illness…yet for the most part they have no idea…how thwarted and twisted they are….

They think we are messed up and they are normal….and yes they will surround themselves with others who are as sick or more and are supports in this life…

Occasionally a light stands out…like a person…and they must have it…then push it away…

They never really love you…that is something I think they are incapable of…and they mostly hate you….

Because deep inside…they know something is wrong…

So stick to your heart…be well in what you do…live life…laugh a lot…spend time with people who just giggle at the most simple things…like a caterpillar…

I used to hide…be a hermit…because I believed I just did not understand or love them enough….

Honey that aint the trick…

Love yourself…count on you…prepare and plan for you…love them…

And always…always look toward the sun…always…

By the way…life is beautiful…even in the darkness…

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on March 26, 2015.

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