Purposeful Forgetting….

I am going to sound like a KNOW IT ALL…..

And in this instant…I am….

Because I got me down….I will describe the situation….

52 year old Italian Irish woman….

Was married for near 20 years….

Created the four loves of my life….with a man…I love today and could have done a much better job at being married to….

But I had to be in the misery tank…of poor me….

And in knowing “this” sort of thing….I will give myself a wee break…

I had some pretty severe crap go down in my early years…and not knowing better…I let them rule my life….and then many others….

If I had decided to wonder why….well….

I might very well be in the “situation” I am now….(which is not bad)….

Yet what if I decided to stop listening to this world…which has no ones best interest…and pay attention to my soul…had courage….

What if I had paid attention….

To my father…after 4 years of freedom…walking down the street towards me…and I bolted to safety….

What if I had the conversation with him…in full view…not in private and then ended it in peace…

What if I had paid attention that my brother was murdered…and I never mourned him…until a number of years ago…

Damn right now as I wrote this…burning tears fill my eyes…you know the ones that make your nose burn…due to holding them back….

What if I had paid attention to the man I married upon first meeting that was in a club…drunk…and insulting…(and if he ever reads this, I mean no insult or offense)…I am stating how we mimic our parents…and think we in the clear…(because that is not us speaking)…its recorded tapes….

What if I had paid attention to the four sons I had been blessed with….

Did not my point of origin of pain…come from a man…my father…and here was opportunity after opportunity to deal with it…

And each and every one of those boys…loved on me like there was no tomorrow…even their daddy…did so…

I can still hear the words of beautiful…like they are looking into my eyes right now…

And damn those burning tears are here….but this time they fogging up my glasses…

And I on purpose forgot all those things and requested continual lessons in abuse…and it came in every male creature I met….probably why I never had male dogs…just female…so as to avoid the mother issue of abandonment all together…

And in this revolution…to put me front and center….a good thing…

I have to pay attention to things…

Like I have to take something to sleep….

WHY?

Because rest was not allowed…it was danger to be in a non aware state….

Yep I am 52….

What if I am being abandoned because someone wants to sleep….

Yep I am 52…

What if I am not asked to perform…to prove my value as a woman…because we all know it is validated…in this world by certain things I can do..and how sexy I can be…getting my sexy on…

Yep I am 52…

So years of purposeful forgetting me…sent me here…

A course in EMDR therapy…EFT…aka Tapping…riding the wave through it dredging up the things it is supposed to…

PROCRASTINATION….

RESISTANCE…..

FLAMING ANGER…..

Riding the wave like a pro…and I have never set foot on a surfboard….

yeah…you could say…I got reasons to be angry…shut down…piss all over people…

Yet I might disagree….

I have not one solitary reason…not one….not even a “but”…

Not even a scratch on my finger…a stub of my toe….

I am going to keep doing what I am doing…

Dredge it up…process it…ride the wave of anguish that flows over me…and let it abate…because we have to feel the lies we have been feeding ourselves covered in sweet cream…for them to go away…

And then tuck it away…

And Purposefully Forget…

Because I aint what anyone says I am…not even me…

I am that woman…my four sons…and their daddy said…is beautiful….

And time to stop defending the worst…

And purposely forget..everything…but me…

And not change the names..so as to not appear to have any similarities to real situations…lives or characters…

People…when you see people drowning…you got to pull them out….you got to…

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 28, 2015.

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