Non Allowance….Allowance….

I will do most about anything….

To keep myself from doing what my being…my innate being knows to do….

I will squelch any thought…step…impulse…any action…to keep myself here….

In this familiar space…this known…which is actually…a bunch of memetics…learned and accepted behavior…which is actually the death of me….

Rather than…write…

When the impulse strikes me…

Rather than write….

And keep a note pad close….so as to never capture…that oh so perfect thought…attitude…description….

Rather than cook….experiment…

And hear the call of spices and odd meats(in my definition)…

Rather than cook….

Fine tuning my skills…and entertaining that a woman…of a certain age..is allowed to well be a chef…

Nah….I practice the fine art of NON……ALLOWANCE….

And my oh my…it is a walk in the park….

I only allow myself….and I see others do the same…

To be successful in the ways our parents were not….

You read that right….

That is what a lot of us do….

And I am including myself as one of the bananas in the monkey bunch….

My father was abusive…a drunk…a looney….

I did not have a mother….at least not one that I knew…

So…I went polar opposite…

Which actually means we end up doing these things we try to avoid…and/or had done to us…or exampled….

I was gonna show him…and this damn universe for setting me up with this fool…

I made sure..I was so non abusive…I became excessively passive….a doormat….

And at times I do not think you could register me as even a doormat….

At least a doormat will occasionally bristle when the heavy boots are wiped upon it….

Made sure I had no addictive behaviors…I am giggling here….

Did not drink…scorned it….

Resisted any assistance in pain…even during surgeries like babies born….

Damn I was stronger than some gaping wound….

You with me….?

Became so non emotional…so cold….

So as to avoid looney….

That one could…freeze ice on my ass….you have heard that before….

And all in all…I refused to allow myself to be successful in myself….

I only allowed myself to be successful the way my parents were not….

Here is how we do it now….

Your parents have a child..that either one or both did not want to have…but they have the child….because it is what one is supposed to do…when you marry or get a partner…

And then you raise the child out of bitterness….not because you are a cold heart scum bag….

But because this is not what you wanted….then you do all those things your parents did horribly…and you swore you would never do…

Like drink…drug…sex…work…money gods…accumulation gods…

All those things your parents do…and you thought were not so good…

I mean you would never say that crap to your kid…

So this child you have…grows up…distorted…always feeling like it was not wanted…one has been tolerated….

So they decide…I will show my parents….(not a conscious, verbal thought)…and make a baby…with the most available tenant…

And they spend their days…seeking approval from the parents they swore…they were not going to be like….

Aaah…this is getting juicy….

Or they could do what I did..which was have baby after baby…hoping this one would make happiness appear…like Sunbonnet Sue….

We marry early….to show our parents…we got this…and we aint got this….

We have the career…they could not succeed at….but you do…cause it looks good on paper….

Nothing keeps you company…on a cold night…than a BMW in the driveway and a frosty one…after…your love has told you to take a hike….now does it….

We enter relationships…by being fooled…and spend many precious years convincing ourselves…we are crazy…

We did not hear what we did…they did not mean to hit me…they did not mean to deceive me…hide from me…it is all my fault…

We spend all our time trying to fix them…through slicing and dicing ourselves….

Which of course…allows me to never look at what I want in this life…

Even to sit and mourn…anger…grieve that what I presently have…I do not want….

So as I watch myself…banging my head on the same door…

I realized as I found anything and everything else to do…than what…?

LIVE….

Yet…I stepped into allowance….

Because I am writing this….and earlier I wrote pages…and had not a moment of censoring….

And I hope that place does not call…the job I am supposed to have….

Because it will force my hand….

And make me fight for what I want…

And dig under that bed…and pull out those VHS tapes…and the dust bunnies…and that sweater…I thought was so cute….

And say….

I FAILED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I did…Majestically….over and over….

But today…I did not….

not in this moment…..

Not as my hands run over these keys….and I do not wonder what you think….

Or what will someone else think…that I did not earn loads of cash today…or clean 500 things…or finish that thing I am supposed to do…

I was and will be as the night falls….

I AM….

I heard this through Wayne Dyer….

And he said it like this….

I AM THAT, I AM

Inhale…say I Am…and fill the That with what you are….pause…that is what the comma is for…and then exhale saying I Am….

Inhaling making a true statement…..and exhaling it back to God…the Universe….what you call it…

Focusing on what you are….

And not on…what you gonna show them….how you gonna do it so much better….

Because honestly they thought the same thing about their parents….and about you….

And they did the best with the knowledge they had…just like you…

So what you going to do with the truth now….?

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 27, 2015.

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