Wondering….

I am not sure if this path of wondering I decide to take…is the best course…

because there is the tendency to make horrible things prettier….

And that is not something I need to do right now….

I need to acknowledge that I am over my head…swimming in the unknown depth of the deep end of the pool…

And to be honest..we place ourselves there…over our heads…

Trying to rescue ourselves from our own thoughts that became actions…

And as children these issues are placed inside of us…

And then the journey to adulthood is covered in beliefs….that make your blood run cold…

And the thing is..we are little children in big bodies…

If not…

tell me how you think about yourself….Pause…

Are not most of your thoughts about yourself…ones you carry from when you were 2…6…8…13…?

And they are not the good things….

because if they were….

Would I be sitting here…writing another post about how bad this hurts….?

Nope..I would be living my life…

All those clothes I see in my head…the ones I design and make fabric for…

All the colors bouncing around in my head….that I know..I just know…are from creations I make…

Would be present in front of me…

I would as they say…”living the dream”….

now I spend my time running from it….

Right into the arms of insanity….

To a job..that tells me I am no good…and continually tests…so nothing will ever be okay…no level…no accomplishment will me good enough….

To a relationship…where one is lied to…demeaned…and you believe you should stay in..because well they are so weak…and you need to make them stop drinking…because they are helpless…

Yes they are..they made themselves that way…and I am helping them along the path..of lies and deceit..and “it is okay…keep doing it…I will go along with it”…

Come on people….

This is not like I am being a servant to one who is purely defenseless….like children…

This is a grown ass adult..who I am telling…”hey keep on abusing..lying…and all sort of other things that will make your stomach churn…”

Because I am supposed to be their guide..teacher…WHAT????????

Because I know better than them…

Obviously not…because I stay here holding their hand…while they stab me with the knife in the other hand…

Obviously they got more on the uptake than me….

Unless I leave…

And this is simple…

But oh how I love to make this complicated…

We want to believe we make others better..we make them change…

But it is not true…

We do not have that power…

That power that energy is held within us..each of us..to change our worlds…and then it spreads out like a wave..the domino effect…and impacts so many….

And they can take it and run with it…create awareness…of how we are killing ourselves…

And make change

OR

keep doing what they be doing…

Choice is ours…

A person is a catalyst….

And some of us…

And I will raise my hand for this..need many people to show them something…

Something that needs repair within ourselves….

Not the other person…who needs repair…

Me….

And it usually shows up..in the form of the ugliest…creepiest truth we believe about ourselves…

And because we believe it…it creates a world..that validates it…

Everything you do..see..taste..smell…reinforces that belief….

Some people are good…true intent to heal….

But they usually do not show up..until well..you do the work…

And not apologizing for your existence….

but acknowledging….your majestic existence….

And they usually are not in the form of a drunk..sex addict…or person who talks down to you…

Shocker Huh….

That is the catalyst…

But we so ignore the pinch in the chest….

And the…going from looking at yourself and thinking..I look pretty sharp today…or wow look how I did on that presentation….

TO…

Seeing every spot on your outfit…and the hair not washed…and all the stutters of your presentation…and what was I thinking…no one wants to hear that anyway….Geesh….

It is not easy to leave…make your exit…

because we feel sorry for another….and we get locked in….

We have told ourselves we are incapable…so everyone else is incapable…and it goes round and round…and round…

And the next thing you know..you are puking in your Wheaties….

I am…

So I am leaving that which I have known for 52 years…to something I have not known…

With paralyzing fear…of being alone…

Paralyzing fear…that I will never stop weeping over the abuse…and it will forever make decisions for me…

The decisions that make me throw..them against the wall…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be pretty enough..lets be honest…cute would be nice…

The paralyzing fear..that I will never be loved….

And the most paralyzing one is this…

The fear created in me as a child…which says…

You deserve to be beaten…

You deserve to be starved…

You deserve to be used as a sex object…

You deserve to sit in the dark…waiting for the next bomb to go off…and which body part of you will you lose now….

And the one that believes I am nothing…pointless…useless…

So I got to go…

I have to stay in EMDR therapy and make these real life events…just events…not truths about me…

I have to realize that I need to keep reading these books about healing my life…I have to…and do the exercises in them..even if I can barely mutter the affirmations…

Because one day after telling my mind this..over and over….it will connect with my heart….and life will happen right in front of me…

The life I am meant to live….

I got to say goodbye to someone who cannot tell me they love me..and why….and everything I do..that is good..they hold in jealousy…because they choose not to…

I got to go…

Because like I told my EMDR therapy lady….

It is do or die…

I have got to find out the truth….

Even if I lose everything….

Even if I find out everything I believe is one big lie…

And maybe..I will find out that women are subservient to men…

Or that I should feel so lucky that someone likes me…

Or that all I am is a woman..female gender….

But something is beyond those trees…

And it is watching me…

And it knows…right now..not yesterday or 10 years ago…but now….is the time…

And I need to put down the whip of “should have done this sooner”…

And for the regret…the thought…of I may be making a regret…leaving someone behind that truly loves me…trueness…

Will be answered…if it fights for the life….

Not the slow killing of one’s soul….

Not the lies spoken to keep one from being alone….

TRUTH….

And the question is this….

Will I be able to see it when it makes its presence known…?

Or will I keep believing this….

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 23, 2014.

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