Prayers are always accepted…..

Your hands and legs may shake, you may be filled with fear of the outcome, but you will never truly regret speaking your heart when you do. There have been many times throughout my life that I didn’t say something I knew I should have…something I knew that I wanted to but I was too afraid of getting rejected. Sometimes, getting rejected by someone is the best thing that can happen to you. It’s like the heavens are waving their finger at you going “nah ah” that’s not for you…you need to go this way instead.

This is a statement from a blog I follow….from..http://thebettermanprojects.com

Worth your time in every essence to read this and reread this….

This younger man than me….has made me think..even more so than I thought…and maybe feel is the better word…

I am told all the time..put away those feelings…think..what do you think about it…?

Well if I put away the feelings(and as an FYI..if one puts away, tucks their feelings away, it will usually cause an explosion..bigger than a bomb going off in a fireworks factory…) not a good plan...

So if I stick to thinking..I am a million ways to Sunday screwed..sorry about the bluntness…

Because what I think..especially about myself is trash..pure nonsense portrayed through logic and used against me…by my own hand..to shut off the conviction..the checks in the heart..so I will doubt…and not acknowledge and accept what I see or what I am being told..by this majestic heart….

Yikers…..

And here is when I swallow hard…and want to go shower with a Brillo pad and maybe some acid…and scrub till this being no longer exists…

Because what..or rather the trash I think about myself was formed from my childhood…we cannot help it…

Children do not have the ability..to process events…they are these wonderful feeling beings…that is why joy never leaves them…

After a certain age..and that is an age always in debate…they become like us..adults with no feelings and all thinking..with massive attempts to not think and numb those feelings…

You know how…like drugs…alcohol…sex…eating…careless and dangerous living..that usually endangers others more than self….inappropriate behaviors with our children that we think no one sees…but they do…that is why we drug..drink..and perverse our way through life…

Sounds like fun huh….

And because we spend all this time thinking…trying to figure something out that has no equation or solution possible…because it is not a thinking situation..it is all feeling….

We reel in and either become the monster…or are the monsters dinner for life…

I opted for the second choice…

And honestly..the first choice never was an option…

But standing at 52 years on this place..in pain..in more ways than I can imagine…I make myself invalid…

And I make my words lies….because when the monsters chews on you after you have spoken truth…and they vomit on you and tell you…well you are worthless…

What do you expect me to think about myself…?

Because when you tell the monster that being sexually with your daughter is well sick…they tell you they still want to do it…because it feels good…

And I think that is the hardest part of accepting this stuff…they enjoy it…

If you did not..you fight…

The story of my life…

And today I sit here…at 52..in a therapy program…I pray to God works…(and in me somewhere I know it will)…that is why I am in it…

Because it is my last hope….

Because all this unprocessed stuff as a child…became unprocessed belief as an adult…

And getting past that mountain of false belief…

Is a second by second endeavor…

Because lets get honest…

Nobody wants to sit and talk about the fact..that your childhood was a terror…and that is such a nice word…and that sexual assault…and domestic violence are such nice words…such nice words…

And without you even knowing it..that childhood and all the shit that went down..runs every decision of your life…even if you can go pee or not…sorry..I am in blunt land….

And you sit in therapy…mine being EMDR…therapy..and it is valid like the day is long…

And you talk..scratching the surface of this past…realizing you have to process all this crap…so you can emerge…

That butterfly from the cocoon is damn real people…

Doing small talk…and then boom the time is done…

And you leave with your feet..lighter on the ground…

Because you are proud of yourself that you are taking these steps..

yet you sink into the quicksand right outside the door…

because…you realize the life you have been living..and what has been lost…

Because you believed this pure hateful nonsense…

And you want to run back into the office and be hugged and sob…

because you are so mad..so hurt..so pissed off at the wrong person…YOU…

because you are so filled with love..just not for yourself….

But you will do this…

Sit in these sessions…

And it is going to be hard…and wanting to bolt for the door..will happen more times than you can count…

Because this is how you get better….

And this does not run your life anymore…

And you do not hang with ass….. anymore…

And the tears running down your face..will not be from the suffocating pain…

But they will be from great gasps of air…propelled from scraping your way out of the cocoon…

Gasping in huge hicuppy volumes of air…filled with tears of laughter…

Looking forward..and not over your shoulder…in

Happiness(a word I was told not to use..because it is fleeting…hogwash!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Of seeing and saying…without the eyes lowered…shame upon our brow…shoulders hunched…dealing with the 9 millionth headache….

Damn..did you see me….

Wow..this is what I was created to be…

And the journey continues…

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 22, 2014.

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