My resistance….

My fevered resistance to step into my path…

The one dancing in my head…the picture which will not step out of the forefront…

Oh my resistance…

I work at a job..a position..that requires me to use my problem solving skills…

My teaching abilities…

My ability to accommodate to many people and situations..with a moments notice….

And to utilize the position of disability as an asset….

Rather than a negative….

You with me so far….

Yet I will not use these skills….

And skills is such a lackluster word for what they are…

Pure genius would be more accurate…

And again I will not use these skills…to pursue the dream dancing in my head….

The absolute peace…steady hands… despite the fact I have a disease which creates tremors like…well everyday breathing….ease in breathing…

Which comes about..once my hands touch fabric..or allow myself to believe…

I can make that….

Even though I never have…

I see this picture..in champagne gold…

sparkling with pearls..

swooshes about the hips…..

fabric that looks like butter….

yet pronounces like steel…

Yet I resist stepping into it….

Because why…?

I cannot count on the steady paycheck….

Cause who will want a pretty dress…?

Because work…is to be this place that suffocates you…

Locks all your skills into a box somewhere…and when you leave..they hand them back to you all covered in blood and stains…

because all one can do is work…work…and do nothing else…

Barely sleep and this is okay….

be afraid to clock in a minute late..because one might be written up….

To believe I am only available for…put this here…then this here…

over and over again…

I am not human…

I am not breathing….

So today..I took this day…

And I was going to make sure everyone else had their day ending with ease…

And then I paused….

Sitting in my zebra print pajamas….

I ordered books and tools…to make things…

I sat and thought about what I wanted…

And it will take a few days…

And thinking in grace..and I lack nothing….

Rather than I am screwed…and I need to be browbeaten….

To believe…what…I am not sure of….

But it is time to go from…

Dehydrated….yet I drink a gallon of water a day….

Fatigued….yet I work 12 hour days….

Deceived….yet I create and problem solve things never have entered my life ever before…

Disguised…carrying around a voice…which is not mine…

And watching the sparkle return to my eyes….

Am I available…

or am I resisting…

And someone tell me…

What does that champagne gold deer walking across my hard for the 5th time this week mean…?

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on September 25, 2014.

One Response to “My resistance….”

  1. The Chinese believe the deer lives to a very great age and, as a result, has become a symbol for long life.
    The deer is traditionally believed to be the only animal able to find the magical lingzhi fungus of immortality.
    The deer is often seen by the side of Shou, the God of Longevity.

    or The Golden Deer or the Ruru Deer http://ignca.nic.in/jatak001.htm
    here is a youtube vid on it as well http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kht2NJlGcAI

    Like

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