Push…

Pushing…..

Something..I intentionally do…and do without much thinking involved….

Always up to the next level..

Always up to a better space….

Always one step away..from sitting in the pile of muck..we have determined our lives must be…

Pushing….

Like some great big boulder we carry on our back…sinking us inch by inch..moment by moment…as we stand and do nothing…

Pushing…..

Yesterday afternoon…while my previously broken jaw…decided it needed attention…a flip out of magnitude…I leave to resonate with those who have felt the impact..the swing of the punch..much like a boxer in a ring…

Decided it needed a moment..a long moment of….

Pushing….

It commanded an attention..because things had gone awry….

And I knew work this am..Monday..was not going to happen…

Funny how an old injury..still present and viable within the body..will appear…make a physical manifestation..when it decides..your world..your life..your present behavior needs..well some attention…

And it pushes you to the edge of insanity…and “hold on..I think this might be the attack that brings me to the emergency room…”

And this time…I listened..rather than medicated and…

Pushed back…

And I would have paid anyone..or given my world away…for a good swift blow to end it at that moment…

Pushing….

But I did not raise my head..or even grunt a reply…when I was asked…”what can I do to help…”

I realized help was all in my hands…and I had to pay attention…

So after a few heat packs and anti inflammatory pills…I accepted a lunch of Pho soup…

Well because Pho soup is a healer…it moves into the body..and says to all those trouble makers…”you got to go..”

Arrival…sit down..order…NOPE..no Pho soup…instead..order what the person I am with..who by the way is harassing me to no end…wants to eat…

That combined with one last crass comment…chewing food rather than sipping healing soup..and my last nerve..my last ability to hang on and be cordial..went out the door…flying faster than I could grasp..how close I was..to unraveling…

And boy oh boy did it need my attention…

Pushing….

And then I pushed back…

And I was back to the moment..many years ago..being married…and hearing it was my purpose..my job in life…to have all wrongs..of reason..heaped upon my shoulders…I was the continual scapegoat…

I was the keeper of all wrongs…took all accountability…while others lapped up…the release of burdening another…and they found pleasure in it…

Pushing…

Like telling a young lady..that I was not responsible for her sick..sick..dog…

Or a young man..who felt the new one in town..was the scapegoat..and he could treat another..any damn well he pleased…

Or the one who decided..the crass comment was fine to say…and it revealed…too many things for me to comment on..this moment…

And the table was pushed…and I pushed out…and I was gone…

And walked out facing…a 4 mile hike back to the place I now reside…

And with mouth..jaw on fire…I pushed

And as I walked..and was followed..and yelled at..to get the hell back in the car…

I still saw…they needed pushing

And I pushed..and pushed and pushed….

And one takes the chance of losing another…

But what is worse…the death of a soul..the endless vamping down the corridor of vomit and blood filled crap…

Or the resurrection of whom we were created to be….?

Pushing…

Am meant to walk beside..behind..in front of..or intertwined with humanity..?

Am I to note..record..make another self help book…or

Say what needs to be said…right then and there..being more attached to the salvation of a being..or my comfort..or perhaps being liked..?

Pushing…

Pushing…

Would you prefer..death of one…starvation due to your description…

For the five second pleasure of a text on your cell phone…

Or something..that digs you out of the grave….?

Pushing…

 

 

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 19, 2014.

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