Words..Touch..Discard…

Seems to be the pattern of behavior..I see and experience…

Words..that bring touch about..and then discarded…when a goal is achieved…

Remember places to go..people to see…me me me..give me give me give me….

I have noticed..more than I wanted to…

In the field I have stepped into…and the relationship I am leaving…

That people tend to speak..words to achieve a self satisfying goal….

Not to achieve..anything for the person they are speaking too…

But to make headway..in their direction…usually selfish bound…

I have slept..for a day and a half…

Beyond exhausted…yet unable to sleep…

So after..separating myself emotionally from the whole mess….my body was able to rest…my mind shut off…

And when I awoke..I was able to see…the short man behind the curtain..pulling all the strings…and me being the puppet….

And I spoke..and I felt the air rush through my heart..like a fire hose…

And now I can breathe again…

It has been a long time of holding my breath….

I saw selfishness…purpose of the easier path..quickest..wipe it all away path…

Wrapped up like a pretty package..of one asking for pity…

When they were the one wounded….

And I had to bow my head..and forgive myself..and ask for forgiveness…for playing the game…and believing that one trapped inside a violent body..full of agony…was trying to play me..by asking for a moment…of me looking them in the eye…

And not discussing some other topic..with another caretaker…while we…(I give pause for a moment)..while we changed their diaper…

Yet I got caught in the momentary whirlwind of believing…these people..these elderly..these needy..were not deserving of my time…

Shame on me…

It took me but a mere moment..

But those who play..do it well…

They create a need within you to care..by the suffocating lies of their abuse…things which never happened….

Because…all the earth would collapse..if they were not the center of attention…

So again..I am the odd duck in the room…

And I think I will stay there…ODD…and in the room…

Because I refuse to believe..that I am being played by an elderly person..who can no longer control any body function..

Let alone speak..as one is being tossed about…because you have that text to read…

Does anyone remember the work rule..of no cell phones on the work floor..?

Because I refuse to believe that porn is real…and those girls…are just dying to you know…it rhymes with putt…

And I refuse to believe that watching someone drink themselves under the table…and having a beer constantly in their hands…is their ideal life…and exactly where they want to be…

It may be that being sober..or getting sober..and realizing that no one will give you the time of day…is harder to face..than the fact..you are a drunk..and do things…no human being with a conscience would do…

And maybe..just maybe….

Some spectacular position…I could obtain..and many would listen to me…is worthless…

And maybe..just maybe..I will stay here…looking someone in the eyes…acknowledging their existence…and mine…

And provide…

Dignity…

Tell me..how many can define it…?

It is a lost art…

I should know..I almost believed another in their self imposed prison….

And when I awoke…

I remembered who I was….

And it aint..nothing more..than a servant….

Oh yes..with dignity….

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 25, 2014.

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