It is peeking in…

The concept….the thought..the odd perception..that I can be something different..than being described from my past…

Ahhh…pause….

Am I determined from those actions..or am I defining myself..from what I like..love..hope for..desire…and was originally created in me by God…the force of all…?

Am I letting another’s words define me..and is that always a wrong place to go..?

And why..oh why..do we always perceive things from the negative..I am being attacked stance…?

Go figure…

Is it because this road called life is really hard..and it seems to be harder now in some very troubling times…?

Or is because I want to believe there is no one on my side…and how much does that hold water…?

I have noticed..in this new space in my life…I am being tested…and I do not particularly like it…

I do not like one throwing stones in my path..to well..see if I will do the flip out on them…and prove their theory right..that seeee…she cannot be that nice..or kind..or true…

And eventually you have to put down the acceptance..and speak the words we do not like to speak..and say..Game Over…

One more stone..and I am putting it in your pocket…get the idea..?

Because I cannot be the place of balance for another..that has to come from oneself..it must..

One must be able to stop..look in the mirror..and hold your breath…and locate well…you…

And answer the same old question..why am I doing this….?

And what is peeking in here…

We live jaded lives…

We ask others to carry us..

We are drawn to another’s strength …yet twist it to be ugly…and then smile at the feat…

We ask much of others..yet little of self…and well..it begins peeking in…

And as one speaks…we travel to a space in our heart..that screams protect….

Example…

I was told in a moment..when my guards were somewhat lowered…

(and lets be honest..they do not get lowered much)

That I take over situations..I step in and lead…

And boom..my mind went straight to..Bad Girl…

And then I stopped..paused…and yes reflected…

And the stance of control..left the building..

And they were right..and they did not mean it in a negative..way..

They showed something I have a problem admitting…

That I am strong..and as a woman…I am a leader…and that people do look to me for guidance…and they are drawn to the fact..that I know what I am doing..and I am a teacher…I am worth spending time with…

And I cannot believe I am saying this..or letting it come out into the light…

Because the Vanity..itch comes out…

And I realize I have learned…to be conditioned..to take those things so positive…

So conquering over dark..evil..hate…(basically my history)…

And produce the human being..God created..intended…

Profound when one spends a moment to think about it..or rather feel…

So as I struggle about this path…I let things peek in..

And to some I am a vain…asshole…

Yet to me…

I am awake…

And I hear…

And I listen…

And I can say..to those throwing stones..

I get it….but put them down…

Because there are only so many times..I am going to let you trip me..make me stumble…

And then there will only be you left to play with…

And truth…the original creation..is louder than any boulder..thrown in a path…

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 7, 2014.

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