It eludes me….

Being one of a analytically thought process..operating a vast majority of one’s thoughts….can prove to be..well tricky in some instances….

And this is where I find myself..at this moment…

And the words running a muck in my head…is this….

Am I capable of this….? And please in your creative mind..make that ? huge..like it fills the room…and pushes you out of your easy chair…the Lazyboy…..

I have entered a new faze in my life..and no I did not write the word wrong..I feel fazed…

I feel like a laser went in and took part of my head…the great machine  of my brain..I have relied upon to…well make my way through everything…and in some freaky manner..implementing my heart..

And that is the clincher in this…my heart is too involved..or is it..?

because I cannot seem to get a perspective..without feeling rejected…and then I have no idea..how to verbalize..because it seems..when everyone else is speaking English..I am the odd duck speaking…stupid twisted up with shades of..awww..come on…

Anyone ever felt this…?

Maybe it is the reason I  have created..a space…a moat between me and relationships…?

And am I capable….?

Because we have been so accustomed…to not doing it..from fear…?

Which holds water…but for how long…

How long can you hear words and see no action…?

How long can one say something..and there is no fruit…

How long can that madness go on..to where we turn on ourselves…and take the bullet…?

Because that is what is happening with me…This elusive..stance of words…desire…deep inset wishes…spoken..but not a second of action to support them…

And how long do we hang on…

Because if I am to pause…I must acknowledge..we all need that one thing..to make us tick..or curls our toes..puts the spring in our step…

And I can say..reach inside and pull it out of you…and that is applicable for true strength and desire to fight for what you want..

But without touch..words…action in place..how long can we survive…?

How long can we breathe on our own..with oxygen taken away..?

So here is what eludes me…

So what happens when you find this…and they will not play…and I do not mean a game..I mean..the dance…and you have to keep dragging them across the floor….

What do you do then…?

Wait…?

Talk..?

Hope..?

How do you go about your day..staying present…when you have been told..truth..laced with incredible fear…?

And you are finding yourself..slipping down the manhole…

Do you jump on them..speak with them..and repeat it over and over again..or do you just say..this is the way it is…and build castles in your head…

Because I am a person..despite all evidence to the contrary…and my ability to handle the craziness..falling on my life…

I need touch..consistency…and I cannot keep pulling it out of people…and being held accountable for another’s actions..dominating their life…

So it eludes me…

And I wonder..am I capable…?

And I think the answer is creeping to NO…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 6, 2014.

4 Responses to “It eludes me….”

  1. Sometimes too many choices makes thoughts run amok in my head too, but when I’m still and listen . . . that’s when I know what to do.

    Like

  2. Beautifully shared. I don’t think life us supposed to be this hard.

    Like

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