I see..I learn..I repeat…

Never have truer words been spoken..

Even truer than I love you….(which seems to be conditional)…and varies from day to day and mood to mood…

I ride the bus..to get to and from school…and most days it is wonderful…

But today..looking at the weather..of ice..snow..and cold coming along…right when I would be plunked down in classes…is not my favored place to be..

I had visions of a bus hurtling through space..moved..and unable to stop on the black ice…

It was by far..not my best visual…

And my spine was talking..my head was a throbbing..and I was 10 seconds away from saying…I am not dealing with this today…

But..then I got on the bus..and I saw my peeps…all those who despite the weather said..here I go..and we were off…

There is a sign..a billboard..that is right before we get to the depot…and it always hits me right between the eyes..every time…

Maybe because it is familiar..a known..or maybe it is just because it makes me feel so ugly..and sad…

Like finding out..someone has been cheating on you…making sense..?

So as I went by this one today..it struck a chord..because it is true..

I see abuse..I learn abuse..I repeat abuse..

Two sides to this coin…

The first being…most..if not all people..as children who will see abuse..will learn abuse..finding it acceptable..normal routine..thus repeating the abuse…

Some will take the role of abuser..

And some will take the path of acceptor…

Let me explain…

My father was an abuser..so each and every one of us..learned abuse and thought it was normal..acceptable…mainly because no one gave us any other perception..never said it was wrong..never stood up to the bully…so we grew up believing..well it was okay for a parent to abuse a kid..and we..as a child learned how to put our head down and just get through it…

Two of my siblings became abusers..each boys..the other boy..had anger problems..the girls..being three of us..learned to accept..put our heads down and just get through it…

Now this is not a soliloquy on boys versus girls..it is just how it went down in my neck of the woods…

Now the boys married..and each abused their wife…one verbally with a blow thrown in..and one was a flat out hitter…the one with the anger issue..just made everyone flee from him..and took it out on himself…

Each girl married..and walked right into..abuse land..acceptance..

We knew it was not right..somewhere in the deep part of us…but we took the blows..putting our head down..and just getting through it..just like with daddy…

Even so to the point..of questioning our own ethics and morals..might be off..and we just did not know how to do relationships…

And this is the point..I bring up..

When you grow up in this…you think it is normal..especially if no one comes in and says…hey hey..

So when it is happening…words are slung..threats issued..blows shot like a machine gun…you figure…I do not have to like it..but I am going to put my head down and get through it..that is what you do…

So in a way..a fashion you see..learn..repeat..just this time..the abuse is rained down on you..by you..

And it did not really hit me until I had a talk with my sister….

And her words to me were..Abort..run..run…get out of Dodge…

And this is what it framed…

Going out..and having them talk crass to me…and me going silent..while my stomach churned..and I wanted to vomit…

And I did not speak up..and say what I should…I put my head down..and just got through it..

And then back on the home front..after I consulted a dear friend and had a talk with my sister..I cleaned house…and I went rearing away..

And I took the whip to me..and then when I was about to take another lash…I froze…

And grace went flooding about me…

I do not know better…all I know how to do..is put my head down and get through it..all the while knowing what was happening was wrong…

And me speaking up..was not going to change a damn thing…you see they knew better…and it worked..and this is how they chose to live..

But I could do the one thing I knew to do…I forgave them..and then me..and would not play in that court..

I stepped away from conversation and my availability went from wide open to..you got 10 seconds…

And I put down the whip..

And I remember the words of Jesus…when he spoke to certain people..and then he just stopped talking…especially when they spoke with dishonor in them..and shame was present..he let them reap what they sowed…the same thing we get every second of every day…

You see God..will give us what we think we want..He will let us play in the deep end of the pool..and He will let us drink till we are bloated…

Because we have been so conditioned..to believe this..that this is the way we talk..and act..

And then I remember my sister’s words…and I think I might get a t shirt..

You are a princess of God..you are His child..you are magnificent..and nothing will change that..live that…

So then I did speak…and my words were not hate…they were simple…

Do you see who you are talking to..God’s child..princess..valuable above any riches you can think of..

I hope you see it..because I see it…

And I do not have to even say it…

I aint putting my head down..and I aint getting through it…

It aint happening ever again…

It is time to see respect..learn respect..and repeat respect…

And as always..

It starts with me…

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~ by HopeGlenn on January 22, 2014.

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