I just said that…

How many times..have we thrown our heart desire out into this space..of life..and then watched..paid attention..to see it manifest…or show itself to us…?

I have been waiting..many years…to find me..or to express me..without apologizing 5000 times for breathing…

I have asked God for something…stability..a known..in the manner I receive those things…and not in the manner anyone else would receive them..

I was told..I had to go through the church..through certain people..to get approval for my requests to God…and it needed to be man approved…

And that is where I well…became bull headed…obstinate…stubborn…

Why can I not ask God..speak to God…?

Why do my words lose value because I am a woman and I have not attended seminary…?

Why can I not speak to God..Abba..Comforter..Provider..Instructor….and pay attention and watch it manifest right in front of me…if I will give it the attention…and not look behind it..or over it..but look at it…

Is this the time..when I can place my requests..my hope in the hands of God..and have Him reveal them to me..as I was created…?

Or will I continue to see myself through the words the world has chosen to define me…

And it is not patience I must acquire…or determination…

It is sloughing off things that have happened..and are just that..things that have happened…

It is sloughing off definitions that are placed on blond, brunette, red headed  women…and ones which have tattoos…

And it is having the strength and the wherewithal to stand when I am revealed…and smile…because this is what God intended…

One talks differently..one walks differently…one breaks the barriers..and says..”I got something to give here..and it aint peanut butter and banana sandwiches…even though those are yummy…

Now I get why..I have felt this need..this drive..to go a little different…a little wiggy…

One more step..one more push against the flow…

Because I know…I am not the only one out there…not even close…

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~ by HopeGlenn on November 5, 2013.

4 Responses to “I just said that…”

  1. Hey Mandy,

    You may remember me. I’m Will Meyer, web design student from the Art Institute. We both attended at the same time and took a few classes together.

    I have always felt for your story and suddenly you popped in my mind tonight. I hope you are doing well and stronger than ever.

    I’ve come a ways since we’ve last spoke and I actually have been living here in Greensboro for the past year.

    I wanted to say hello and tell you I was thinking of you. I couldn’t find you on facebook. 😦

    Love, Will

    Like

  2. I think Mandy, that rather than being some un-ceremonial accident of events you are starting to manifest what God has thought of you all along. Jeremiah 1:5 will say “Before I formed you in your mothers womb I knew you”…so who you are becoming is someone who was known long before any of us saw it manifest. This is the face of your birth…this quest to be completely you with no regard to the rules of men and institutions of control, be they religious or fashion…it is beautiful because that is who you are beautiful…I love the raw energy and passion you have to breathe where others have said take no breath….you remind me of a Mark Heard lyric: (Look over your shoulder)

    “If you must be afraid be afraid of yourself
    For being afraid of the fear you have felt
    You will weather well in a climate of love”

    If I had any power to encourage you, I would say step up and become what you are revealing, your voice is more needed for us to hear (men especially) than it is for you to speak it…you are echoing the heart of God and barely know it…

    Like

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