You are liked….what..?

Things have been humming about in my head….in my heart…and I have discovered the connection is back…heart to head…and that makes me smile…

I am not sure what triggers certain feelings..memories…but they appear at the oddest time…

Maybe it is from the fact I am doing something…that I have been told I cannot do…a space that is not for me to be in…a life I am not allowed to live..maybe…

Maybe it is the weather changing..and quickly…

I remember from where I sit…the screeching heat…humidity…fatigue…and the only thing I wanted..was to be in a commercial on a tropical island…not for the fame..just because it was cool…colder than where I sit…

And now..the wind picks up…leaves are in various shades of gorgeous…and now it seems the earth talks more…and God keeps me looking up…especially when my head wants to drop…

This is the time of the year…when painful things have happened for me…and I just do not get it…

Not this time of the year..but why it happened…

I am trying to remember the softness of my second son…now he is twenty-four…and the last time I saw him..well he was punching me..while I was driving…and I had an accident…and I watched him walk down a street…leaving behind a job..a future…for a promise from a man…and a lie to suffocate the truth…

And seeing the anguish..across his heart..as the blows landed..and he was not strong enough to fight that battle…he was as battle weary as I was…

And this was the second time…I did not want to breath anymore…

And I am in such a vastly different space now…all I knew is gone…and true hearts have seen me..and given me a hand out of the pit…and it is how my life is now…

And I have 300 balls up in the air..and lately I am juggling the “do you like me” balls…

Because I am trying to find employment…and I would like it to be in the field I am running towards…

And I am hoping an organization finds me worthy to aid me in a program…and I wait..and wait..

And I wonder what God is doing…

Because one must do..all that they can do..and then do the impossible…wait…without constantly pulling on the sleeve of God, my Father….and asking..now?…am I worthy?…am I dancing fast enough?…

And God does not mind…He gets it…he knows this heart…

He knows that when seeking work…we all do the dance…the right clothes..say the right words…be available the right hours…

And will this organization I am asking to give me an opportunity…do it..?

And how do I make myself attractive enough..likeable…worthy…and that last word hurt..

So that is why..the memories are coming…

Because..this world..the lie..wants you in doubt…it does not want you to know how fabulous you are…and that you are going in the right direction..

When you head there..it is the biggest obstacle course you will ever find…

Flaming pits of oozing oil…lies..envy…hate…

Words that slice body parts off…

Pictures in your head…that tell you what a screw up you are…and if you really are so great..why are you fighting this battle all alone…? HUH…?

And you wait..and bleed..and remember…and who knows why now…

Yet there is a reason..for now…

Now is when you are in the fight for your life…when everyone has done the show…revealed what they want..and you have filtered through the moat of yuck…and felt the blows from every punch…

Now you begin…

What is it I want…and why…

And do I keep spending my time on being liked…or does that really hold no significance..?

We all look good on paper…we all can dress just right for the interview…we all can dance the right steps so we are in the popular crowd…and we are found worthy…

But how many..will fight..to do what you know you are supposed to do…?

Even when no one is hanging with you..and looks at you funny when you speak…and tries to get you to back up and hush..and just believe you are a punching bag….

Maybe…just maybe..pause…and see some connections…

People who speak about your dream..and you do not even know them…

Meeting a stranger and it feels like they are reading your mind…

You..seeing how your mind works…and all those things from childhood to this second..all adding up…and it is BINGO….

Why something..like your child beating you..keeps coming up and up…even though there is forgiveness..even though you know they hurt bad..why is it keep showing itself..just in a different way..?

God is surrounding you..reminding you..showing you..you are on the right path…and telling you this..

It is so difficult…because you have to fight for it..if I will not fight for me…for light..who will..?

No one else will fight for your dream…no one else will speak truth…

No one else..will say…you are not a punching bag..useless…good for nothing…absolutely no one…

Except you…and God…

And you are liked….sort of like Facebook but not really…

It really is not about..how many popularity votes you get..or approval from the church council..or how much money is in your pocket…or how well you soothed the monster…

It is this…do you like you…?

And what are you going to do about it….?

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~ by HopeGlenn on November 4, 2013.

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