Drama is just a space filler….

I realized something..recently…

The need to keep something going and going and going and going and going…(oops I almost wrote right off the page)…is the need to fill the space…so when one has no reason..time..or inclination to deal with self…or for that matter let anyone deal with themselves either…

I came upon this as I was going through my “stuff”…

The stuff that was just cotton balls in my head…things that kept me from dealing with me…

Things that I thought defined me..made me what I am…

Well if that is true..how come they met a garbage can..or I handed them over to a stranger without a backward glance…?

Things that at one time..I would have fought you for…and I thought they spoke something about me…

And all they are is space filler..and things that got in my way..

It is like a point..one has to pound into someone…over and over..to remind them of something…and what another choices have done to you…so one can be angry…or sad..or some emotion..to fill in the spaces…and just be angry…

So as I venture into a new arena of my life…one which has been sitting in the background..waiting for me to shine the light of day on it…I cleared a space for it…

And venturing into it..is a bit scary…because it means me battling with things…I just let sit…

Lies… misconceptions…definitions..that I am not really sure where they came from…sort of like that tank top I have..with the sparkles and beads…what planet was I standing on when I bought that….?

I kept pictures of my sons..the ones not stolen from me…the ones I managed to hide…when lunacy enters your home and takes…what it wants…

Some baby clothes of my sons…that I remember them being that size…

Blankets..one made by my brother…and another made by a grandparent to my sons…

Documents like birth records..and baby books…that were not taken…and I can look at their footprints…and touching them..I have a moment with them…

Fabric…threads…yarns..all things I use in my quilting..sewing..my art…but now have found another home…because something I do well…is not who I am…and I want that desperate definition of me…as happy hands homemaker..to pass on…

Pans..dishes..china..glasses..all to another home..someone who has a family..like I once had…

And one more definition..of the only things I could do..is gone…

So I stand in this void…and sometimes there is no air…and I am seeking a pathway…and it is not coming to me…and how come…?

If I run…it moves away from me..and all I see is the size 2 runner..who can fit into the skinny jeans..and all she wants is a cookie..chocolate chip please…

So I walk…and look at the scenery…and step one comes to me..talk..ask questions..find out how this is done…ask..ask..ask..and think..why not…?

And I write..even if no one gets what I am trying to say…

And when I want to stay safe..in my angry bubble..or my..I deserve bubble…I give something else away…

One more dish..one more book…one more piece of fabric…one more scarf…one more sparkly top…and more security blanket…one more thing that keeps me indignant in my position…

One more thing..that if I keep holding onto it…cements me into hell…and I have been there long enough…

And I do not think age..or experience has anything to do with it..

I met a 24 year old..who is defining herself…in pretty awesome ways…

Maybe when we are pounded on..and told this is what you are..or this is what you will be..one fights harder to get out of that…maybe..and truthfully…we all get that at some point in our lives…

And if it is real and dangerous..well we get away from it…and heal…

And if it is simply people stating what they have been told is truth…forgive and move on…love..rather than carry the bitter flag…it takes so much work…

So I am almost to the back of the closet..and there is so much room…and there are a few things I have kept because they are part of me…

Scrapbook with pictures of my family and my sons…

Fabric to do some quilting….

Clothing that defines me…and no sparkly tops…always liked it better on someone else…

And I move onto my next step…next place…

And I will use the skills of piecing together…figuring out this goes with that…to do this next thing…

Defined by me…discovered by me…and I do not think those who knew me before..would recognize me now…

Drama..just a space filler…and I got no time for drama..and so many people want to pull me into their drama…make me the scapegoat…the troubled soul…

So I hand it back…and that makes unhappiness abound….

I step forward…

And I am ready to answer the questions…HOW..? WHY…? WHERE…? WHEN…? and HOW COME…?

Sort of like looking back..at my history..and thinking…

If I could move through that..choose light…

This is a piece of cake…

By the way..does anyone have a piece of cake….?

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 27, 2013.

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