People pleasing….the kiss of death…

Coming from where I come from….I can speak on being or spending time with trying to please people….

And I am not really sure if it is original…from those who walk a more jagged course in this space…

I think most of us..when encountering a situation where others are unhappy with us…can easily slip into people pleasing…and there begins the descent…

I had no idea…how immersed I was into it..until a recent time spent with some people….and I found my self to the point of nervous exhaustion…because I thought I had done something wrong…and what it truly came from was….

My heart finally having enough of making myself prettier…glossier…more tolerable..from a better background…from those who made me believe I needed fixing…

In childhood…I remember doing things to make the daddy happy….

Like straight A’s…nope not good enough….

Being a tomboy…pretending to be a boy…and do all the things a boy can do cause they are better right..? And can take blows…and slaps well…or without falling down…

You know I am not serious about that….but it is what I believed….or held in thought as the truth….

Cleaned…scrubbed…till my arms were bleeding from a skin rash caused from distress…anxiety….

Popped out boys..the prize..big boys..all handsome….during my marriage…

Disappeared….cooked..cleaned…ignored the lies…and the money going away….and the women who hated me…and had never met me….

Spent every minute of my time believing them….

That I was useless…not the right size…ugly..angry..seeing things…frigid…

And I broke away…and it cost me everything…

And over the course of a number of years…I have slowly peeled off layers…and worked on..people pleasing….hard battle…I got to say it…

And I found myself right back in something…and it really makes me angry at me..and nobody else…because I did it…I slipped right back into the pile of lies…

I believed I could in no way find God..or talk to God..or know right from wrong…

I believed I could not decide what was the best job for me..or that I could secure a future for me…

And as I found myself being manipulated…and played…because someone decided to prey..on anothers weakness…I tasted the kiss of death…

WE want others to like us…like family..friends..coworkers…all sorts of people…and we think there is something wrong with us..well if they do not like us….or abuse us…one always turns it back to self…unless you are a narcissistic nut and do it for fun…then you know it is you…

So in my search to discover WHY?….I paused…why did my sons find me shameful…ugly…

Why did my ex…want me to believe that I was ugly..stupid..a failure…frigid…crazy…

Why did church people want me to believe I was damaged goods…and were free to abuse me..because I had already been abused….

Why was the problem..lying with me….?

I had been convinced I was trash…and deserved every second of it…I mean I could barely tie my shoes…now now….

When you step out..and say…”hold on a minute”….that is not what just happened….you punched me…you stole money from my wallet…and the list goes on….

But the minute you say…”hold on a minute”…smothering you is the only option available…

And you realize those you love..will trade you in for pocket change…..and that is when you have to step out of people pleasing…and run for your life…that is if you want it….

So stopping pleasing…speaking up that this is not right…or any definition related to good intentions…means you are on your own…sort of….

And here is the wrinkle I add to this whole dimension…

So what…I mean really so what…

So you messed up…you reacted the wrong way..went loopy when you got divorced…freaked out..got sick…so what…you think they do not mess up….

And if someone whom you gave all to for how many years…or raised well..despite the fact you were learning in the process…does not want to talk to you…it is sad for them…

They are living under some misguided notion that they have made no mistakes…and children always believe…I will never do what my parents do…tut…tut….

How can I spend my time..my heart..trying to please someone..who only wants to find fault with me…

I mean why do that to yourself….

If this is the level of humanity they wish to engage in..that is sadness..all wrapped up in ugly…

And they will forever be in that..until they grow a heart….and you can never please them..never…

No matter who they are….in their eyes…pocket change has more value…

So the wrinkle shows itself…

Who cares…the moment you find yourself admonishing someone for something they did..or your imagination thinks they did…you are doing the same thing..

Like I said..the kiss of death…

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 26, 2013.

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