Early years…..

When you think it does not matter…or that you do not matter…or what you do..in those early years…does not matter…well…

We both are wrong….

I am glad I had my children for the early years…the formative times…the years that create who they are today….

And if one thinks our early history has no bearing on present actions and thoughts….well you need to meet me….or spend some time with someone who will share history with you…and then just observe…

My children are all go getters…..all independent..all focused…all protective…all intelligent..and all focused and determined….

When they were younger I kept them close….I protected them…the number one job of a mother…

I did not let too much in…they were mine for such a short time…and it is indeed a short time…because one day you wake up and they are teenagers looking at you…

They each pursue what they want..or think they want..they all look in many areas…and like the experience of many things…go getters….keep doing it…keep trying…till they “get” it….success defined by them…

Independent….like social settings…have good friends..great friends….but are comfortable in their own thoughts…will do something with counsel..yet it boils down to what do they think….

They can go somewhere…try something..speak their mind…independence….self supporting….

I taught them..took them places…showed them things…taught them how to think on their own…how to fight…for themselves….

And each of them is focused..determined..thinks on their own…protective of self…is doing what they want…and I am glad they learned it early…rather than like mother..who figured it out in her late 40’s….

But I had a different background then my children…..

My children were loved…I thought and still do think they are priceless…gems…beautiful creations….

I taught them many things…and though they may not be pursuing the same things I am( I hope not)….they are using what they saw in my talents expressed into my children…

My children witnessed a mother who struggled with her past…and wanted to stop her pain….and never even thought of hurting her children…

I think the dynamic of having a mother who has a tough history…struggling to find self….can be overwhelming…scary….because we do not understand her tears…her desire to do everything right…because we were told we did everything wrong…

It would have been easier on them if the other parent was supportive of the mother….yet not necessarily the best thing….

Because I had to fight for me…and they have to fight for them…and they have to discover that a tough history does not make a bad person….

And that a person’s wounds are something to learn from…and in truth appreciate….and not an embarrassment….

And family is not in the storybook…yet there are many joyous things…and I do not want them to miss them….and in many ways they are…

My children want to hang on to what they have been told is truth…and it is scary to admit or even think that what they see is not the truth…

Just like me…in the early years…and discovering….and being so angry..that I had been lied to….

That the world my father created was total illusion…I was not a burden..ugly or stupid….

I am a excellent companion..teacher…beautiful…and quite intelligent….and not the least bit sorry about how things have turned out…

Because I do not want them to miss the journey of finding… well…the truth….

I hear their voices and I think…wowo…..you sound like my brother Glenn….

And I see their eyes….oh my gosh they are mine….

I see their build and I think…all arms and legs….long…

And I remember talks and I think wow intelligence….and that comes from both parents….

And I see their father in them…bone structure….lips..hairlines…

I see them now…and see all the early years present…shining in them….

And they can take those gifts….and release the hurt…and then run..run…with all they were gifted….

And I am doing the same….

The day before my birthday….smiling like nobody’s business….my body in pain..because this disease is crazy loopy right now….

And taking all those early moments..even the ones I do not like….and…

Smiling….

Those things can define me..run me…or I can see the use and value in every moment..every action….

Even the ones that to this day…make me weep….

I am wishing me a Happy Birthday…because it is…and I know in those quiet thoughts….they are wishing me a Happy Birthday also….

Because they know…even though they will not admit it…not now…and do not like it so much…

Who I am is living in them…

And who they are is living in me….

Breathing….smiling…

How could one ask for a better birthday…….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 13, 2013.

3 Responses to “Early years…..”

  1. ♥✿♪♫•*¨*• .¸¸✿

    Like

  2. Beautifully written. Happy birthday.

    Like

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