Being open and ready…

I really do not like that phrase…and I hesitated because I wanted to plug the word hate in there. But I did not…

I think I will save hate for something else..that is deserving of it…

The phrase being open and ready has been spoken to me a lot…be open and ready for those who have wounded you to tell you how crappy you are..be ready to take all the blame for something you did not do…so the other person will not be defensive…

Be open and ready to take on someones accountability…to keep them on the straight and narrow…

Be open and ready to be the punching bag…be ready and open to forgive and yes and forget…

Here we are…be ready and open to have a nervous breakdown…

Be ready and open to deal with your history…

The last two..I can do…

The nervous breakdown..well I think it has started…and do not be scared..be aware….

How can one facing the things I have faced not start crumbling away..as I face fifty one…?

Lets see…in one year or lets say a year and a half I have had my home taken from me and not because I did not do something…all my possessions except for a few things I could manage to grab as I was being chased out..have now been placed in a dumpster..shuttled off as no value…

I could not find work..and when I did it was excruciatingly hard word and accelerated my Parkinson’s and as bonus points..cherry on the sundae..I was assaulted….but hey I am open and ready….and I was so thankful to have work….

My things…are now in a storage unit which I have to magically make money appear to pay it or they take it away…

I was evicted from the home I had managed to get into….and other side notes I will leave in the dark corner….

Through all this…I keep my faith…but not in mankind…the line stops here…

Why do I have to be open and ready to take on your stuff…?

Why are we not accountable for our own actions….?

Why do I have to live the way you say…up to your standards…what about mine and how I would like my life to go…..?

Why am I to be open and ready to take the blame and repair the damage from someone who has been abusive…?

Nope..nope…and it goes way back to childhood…

I am not open and ready for the crimes my father committed…and I will not make them nice anymore….

I will not be open and ready to the crimes my ex did to me and the children..and thought telling my history to anything in a skirt and those who would listen…was my responsibility to clean up…

I will not be open and ready and say I was some kind of bad parent because I came from a history…and one that is not so pretty….I will not list myself in a group of people who intentionally set out to do harm…I was and am not one of them..that is my ex and my sons…and all those who want to believe them rather than find out the truth…

Being wounded does not make someone bad…it means one is wounded…it is not a predestination of behavior….

It is not dirty..or scary..or abusive…it means we have been abused and struggle…mainly with ourselves..and yes the scales tilt some days way to one side..but we are not monsters…

And that is how we treat people…like they are monsters…because if we do not get our way with them…we make them react..and sob…to verify…see they are an emotional basket case….

I do not have anything to clean up..no relationships to mend…no bridges to find ways over…no method to deal with your madness..you want everyone else to carry..and threaten to make them suffer in some way..unless they bend to you…

A job will not make it better..or the ability to hold down the job..pay the rent..eat like a mouse..that will not be success….

Yet I found something…on Sunday..and I was not expecting it..that is why my faith still exists…

Someone heard me..for the first time..at almost 51 I was heard…they got me…they saw it and knew that I was trying to cope…as I am trying to repair things I did not break…

And I paused..not stopped because I do not know how to do that yet…

I am open and ready…and my heart will go to the ends of the earth…for so many…especially those who do not ask me to carry their packages and find a way to pay for them…

I am open and ready to see myself as a person and not as the slave…

I am ready to look at my intelligence and for the love of peanut butter pursue my thoughts and dreams and plan for my future…

I am open and ready to repair..forgive..heal(because that is possible) the things I have damaged….

I am open and ready to say…this woman has something to say..and contribute in so many ways…and I know…(when I am not on the bandwagon of self hate…)…how to do many things..and help…and make someone smile….I know the heart…

I am open and ready…to look at this…even if it means I am all alone…

It is my birthday present to me……

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~ by HopeGlenn on October 8, 2013.

2 Responses to “Being open and ready…”

  1. You know, without even knowing you I can make this true statement about you…you are resilient, intriguing and deserved to be adored, not for the pain you have gone through, no instead in spite of it. You bear a remarkable likeness to God because you were tailor made to bear His image, His ability to smile when nothing goes right, His ability to reach out when no one reaches out to you, His kindness even from the corners of the alley…this is who you are and this deserves to be celebrated…happiness is a fluke, but joy is a decision…when you celebrate you…joy is inevitable.

    Like

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