Let me hold that…I got this…..

I watched my favorite show last night…yet a bit differently…..

Usually I view it with the sound off…because I do not want to be part of the drama happening…hear the barbs and insults which fly like bombs…..I simply want to see what is being made….being a designer and seamstress….

Yet last night I turned the sound up and really watched…and I cannot remember what the designers made…if I was quizzed…I would fail….but I can tell you how it made me feel….and what I saw…and how it was 100% relative to me…..and there is nothing about it I did not like…..

The events in my life lately have made me think..really think..I was told by my priest..who is like my big brother…because I can talk to him..yet have ever present respect for him….that if you see something in another..whether it ruffles your feathers..or makes you weep from happiness..you own it…

Hmmmm…I own it..? It means there is something in me..some aspect of it that I am participating in…

Like getting a coffee…at a well known establishment…and being overlooked…or pushed down the line quicker….so they can attend to a customer who fits the image better….

Or driving down the road…racing…competing with the driver next to you..to get to the light a foot before them..or cutting them off..because my path for that day is so very ultra important…..and then we do not even look at them….

Or seeing a person in need….and seeing them being given comfort..food..drink…a hug….and remembering the times we sent a card…made a meal…spoke words of comfort…

It means something needs our attention….our time…acknowledgement….

And the reason I apply it to the show..is this..I watched anger….pain..discomfort…joy…cooperation…comfort…disquiet…pinches….parade itself across the faces and bodies of each and every cast member…it even showed up in the dress…the clothes they chose to wear…and the clothes paraded on their models…..

And I paused…and bowed my head and thanked God for what He had been showing me all along and especially today….and it started with my walk….

And the greatest thing I saw….was it being displayed in full color….and the anguish across the faces…

Was the I got to be right….and damn…I am going down with the ship…because I am right….

I have a right to my anger…

I have a right to my silencing you…

I have a right to insult another with statements of bigotry…sexism..racism…assumption land…..

And just like they looked around…I looked around and thought…what have I gained…?

Absolutely nothing….more is being stripped from me..my humanity…quicker than I can breath…

Yes I have wisdom to tell me I have been insulted…wounded….stolen from…cheated…maligned….

And in saying these things I do not negate others actions….and I am not speaking of filth..abuse and true malice….

Yes but even in the acknowledgement…I still have gained nothing…

I am right….yeah…I still am angry…frustrated…silenced…lost great things….unhappy…have to work to keep the front up…far away from God…..miserable….and in truth cannot receive anything good….to me…it bounces off like a ping pong ball…all over the building….

Or I can say…..it is all on me…..I screwed up more times than I can count..more than my fingers and toes….more than the algebraic equation can make…more than I can imagine…..

What have I lost…..every ache and pain…every instance of being proud because I dug the grave of another….every weeping….

And the purpose for this….

Is this…

So I am not the thing…the stumbling block….the reason….for another to not find God…to lose God….to not have God….to have God blurred…distorted…..because without God….one has no idea…of what their life is to be….

Does not negate choice…and what others choose….and want to believe….

Does not negate me…or my experience..what has happened…and to what extent….

It allows me to see…that which I point the finger at…I have done…and that is why I am so uptight…over it…

That which makes me swoon….I have done that too…that is why I smile…..

All the… you did this…I am right…you are wrong….she/he is a bad person because they did this or that….is a lie….

It keeps us safely…sort of…doing our thing….

I do it…that is how I know….

I see it…I own it…..

And it is worth nothing….and we are losing out people…..

We are missing it all….so much intense majesty…..people..parents…siblings…partners…exes…family….the real thing…..

And how do I know….I am doing it…..

I got this….it is all on me…..it is mine to own….

And suddenly nothing…absolutely nothing holds me captive…

I got this…..

 

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~ by HopeGlenn on August 16, 2013.

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