Missing God….too many times….

Lets see if this statement makes sense……

All that I was told…made no sense and was a flat out lie…..

All that I learned…and allowed God to teach me…was truth…

Now that is a pill to swallow…

People do not stay away from you…because they really believe you are trash….they stay away from you because you speak truth….

You make them gulp….sudden itch you cannot quite get to…something stuck in the throat….and become very angry….

I spent many an hour looking at myself through the eyes of a few others…it was a view they hoped I would hold forever..and when I started bucking the system..well lets say they got hot under the collar…and people…especially those close to you..will go to any measure..and very evil measures….

To silence you…keep you from looking in the right mirror…to believing you have value…to thinking for even a split second…you might have done something right..good…well…

I actually…did something really stupid..and I will give stupid points where stupid is due….

But only for a moment…because I have made enormous progress….only by the grace of God..and His constant tapping me on the shoulder..telling me to turn around and look at him….what I was looking at was a lie….

I made a dress….for me..yet I made it FIVE sizes too big…okay hold the chuckles….but that is the mirror I have been looking at for a few weeks now…the mirror that says almost fifty-one is fat and ugly…old..cranky…undesirable..cannot do anything….

And then I put on the dress…and had to laugh..laughed till I was crying…and flushed all that garbage down the drain…and stopped moping…because it was draining the life out of me…

And I have to give some credit…you made me think…you were something hiding behind all that makeup..and hair…dazzling others with the layers of war paint….

And I have to give credit to the forced smiles…that made me think you were swallowed up in happiness…and glee was ever present with you….but I leaned in and looked in closer..and your eyes betray you…they show how hard it is to keep me at bay..and all the pretense….of the show..reminds me of the circus my father would take us to….all show…no reality…

And I thought….oh my..how much energy..heart..have I given to this…belief..and flipped my finger at God..and said God was lying….and I stand amazed at the mercy of God…

How many times did I say…I believe them over you…

I believe I am trash..because they say so….

I believe I am not allowed to be a woman…

I believe I am not allowed to use these talents…to do anything for me…

So as I said my standard statement..when I get it and have had enough….”Cool Beans”…I went over to that dress…and began cutting it to my size…and I took off a lot of fabric…and turned and looked at those shoes..(you know the ones we are not allowed to have)…the ones with heels and these have suede bows…those…shoes..and smiled…

And dumped man like 50000000000 (whatever that number is) lies….and realized…I aint missing nothing..by them staying at bay..and the dancing lady behind all the makeup…and the food and drug addicts methods of life….

I was missing God…

And that breaks my heart….

And I am gathering all my supplies…to finish very shortly that quilt…the one for me….the one in pink..and soft greens and yellows..with a bit of grey thrown in.,.

And I am sewing the dress….the one suited for me..and slipping my feet into the shoes that make me just about six feet tall…the ones with bows…and I am going to walk in the pink tennis shoes…

And I am going to remember….how much I did right….

And keep pulling back the layers..like an onion skin…and letting it fall behind me….

And the time for this charade is done….

Way overdue….

And to think…I am just getting started…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on August 5, 2013.

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