How does one feel….the hmmmm moment…

For a number of years I have been dealing with an issue….

I have watched a situation evolve…and thought it would perhaps move to say…in my favor…and I thought it had not..but it did…

Let me define what I mean in my favor….

I chose from a very early age to have the lights on….to be connected to this world spiritually..mentally..emotionally…to get involved in humanity…

And when that decision is made..you make a few people uncomfortable..and usually those who are family..you marry…and you create..because you ask the incessant question of why…? and why not…?

As I have aged…and I like it..I have used wisdom and known when to back off…and when to not…ummm..back off….

I thought all the years I had spent in a relationship..married..to a man I was not really married to..(but that is for a different day)…had no effect on him..but it had….and I want to say in a bad way..and yes there are some negatives he has done…like steal and poison children with lies…and he knows all about it…but finds it perfectly acceptable..like most of us do..do not question the status quo….yet actually I see over the years he has sought…a me twin…just on more compliant…one who does not mind being hit..or demeaned..finds it a normal..and (here is the kicker) and godly action…

And I thought I had wasted breath…and had been pounding my head on a wall…

Yet if I had..why would I brunette dye her hair blond…? And change from dressing like a 5 year old to a sophisticated woman who resembled down to the earrings the mother of his children….hmmmmm….so I am guessing I am not the twit…and ugly as filth that he said I was….

Please bear with me through these things…I am getting to a point…..

And I guess I had no impact on the sons I produced..loved..raised..educated….and caused to flourish….hmmmm…again…..

Yet each and every one of them is doing something from what I taught them..instilled in them..taught about God….being who they were created to be….and I guess the tattoos that I am going to hell for….and they seem to have duplicated..means we have the same ticket….

One son has married… and she is a beauty…and you can tell intelligent….purchased land which I know he worked hard for..and is implementing the knowledge of growing food and resources…taught by his mother… and yes..he has tattoos….

Another is into the work of caring and educating other young people…utilizing the soul of his being..another trait…educational reference obtained from his mother….on how people should be treated….and oh yes he has tattoos…

Another..is seeking to find the truth..from all the lies told to him…because he is disabled…same thing his mother had to face…from the same person…and yes he would like tattoos…

The other is pursuing art….and he pops from place to place…to find out..is this what I want….? and he will figure it out…and he wants tattoos…he just has to find the courage..to believe it is ok…and it is part of who he is….and he doubts God….but to be honest..we all do…

So today I had to deal with how did I feel….?

It came from a moment of doing something very courageous…and I felt like I was playing dodge ball and the ball hit me square in the chest and almost..almost knocked me to my knees…

I decided I did not want to be somewhere anymore…not because I was having a bad hair day..which I never do…but because I could no longer participate in the suffocation of people…and of shutting off the life force…

And I am a bit scared…and I doubt..I will not lie…but I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me..and how he wants me to be a light somewhere else….all because I chose to be obedient…and not when it was convenient for me…

I thought that this walk I had chosen…

I thought that to proclaim God in front of man so Jesus would proclaim me in front of God…

Was honestly…a lost cause…and I had no impact….I was still a stumbling fool..and I deserved to be called the names….

I am still a stumbling fool….for God…and I will be obedient…and I will do this whole course over again….

Because I did impact..change…have a great hand in the forming of these lives…and I continue to do so..as they do in mine…I continue..long past my time here….

Tears fill my eyes….because this world..those bullies..want you to believe you are garbage….it is how they keep you sad…

But I want you to know something…God thinks you are pretty amazing…jewel does not even cover it…there is such light and love in you..remember….do not be in despair….

Even as you sit alone..and watch from afar….your mark is all over this world…and I want you to hear it….

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~ by HopeGlenn on July 24, 2013.

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