Trust….or not to Trust….

Feels like that should be the opening words for many encounters…

Interviews..definite on blind dates…dates..meeting the parents…many things…

One thing I have noticed about the word trust is my choice to trust…and not anyone else … that seems to be the crux of it…am I willing to trust…?

My lack of ability or desire to trust comes from my choices…my history..and I can blame it on others and say they have allowed me or not allowed me to trust…but not really…I have chosen to…or not too..and I am the one that has chosen and placed myself in precarious situations making trust..not even coming into focus…

Yes I agree there are many and varied times when trust is not an option…it is sort of like being smacked and then being told..”I love you”….it makes a jumble in ones heart..not easily fixed…

And I think people need to earn trust..prove that they can hold a position..back up what they say…and be respectful and responsible in a relationship…

Yet I cannot…nor will I attempt again to make someone be trustworthy and then try to operate in the schematic I have chosen in my life…to be trustworthy..

People can look at my history..anyone’s history and make deductions and can see if there is availability to trust or where trust needs to be something shown as a valid and worthwhile endeavor in their life…

Me  seeing my child…friend..partner…doing drugs over and over again..when they say and know how it harms them and puts others in precarious situations…and blindly handing the car keys over to them…or putting my faith in them to handle situations..is as foolish as me bungee jumping with a rubber band….

Me believing my partner has the best intentions and cares for the family and relationship in mind..yet goes and cheats..lies..steals..and does everything opposing to the relationship….is as smart as me…using a chain saw to slice bread and hoping it does not mark up the counter….

Watching and repeating actions that continue to support no trust..only digs me farther into excuse..and I stay and hope my example(and please laugh at that)…will cause them to be respectful and trustworthy…makes me stay and stay..and believe in many cells of my being that this is what it is…and see….see..they are not trustworthy…and this is my cross to bear…insanity….

So I can choose to love..yet not support..and not get sucked into the vortex of believing that I am not trustworthy because they say so..simply because I do not support their choice…their space to be…

Yet my choice to stay there and believe this one more thing will be the ticket…the one thing that will make it all okay..is foolish..and my choice to ignore the obvious..and my unwillingness to not trust myself and what this majestic world is showing me…

My choice to believe I cannot learn…

My choice to not trust…from my history..

Only places me in positions where I spiral into not trusting anyone…and placing my trust in those who have shown they do not deserve it..right now…and entering and/or staying in those relationships that feed that belief…

Because one cannot find trust…create trust..define trust…as long as I am holding onto a thought..which will rule my world…that says no one is trustworthy….

I have to figure out and look past the “show” to find the trust and enter into spaces which show and grow trust..

And frankly..stop saying…well this is the way it always has been…

Is that not the definition of insanity…?

Keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

Hmmm…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 6, 2013.

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