Holy Wednesday….

I was wondering if anyone could explain..without water welling up in the eyes..voice cracking..almost disappearing..into a void of no thought..no word….could explain BETRAYAL…..?

We expect it..in all honesty from our partners…our lover..our spouse..we brace ourselves..always on the defensive for the “what we know will eventually happen” moment…

And it may be using wisdom of knowing the person you are with..knowing a path they have traveled…or listening this time to the voice that says..”they warned you”…or maybe it is the serious issue we have…of knowing we will be betrayed…and some will not even go there…because the aha..I was right..is too much to bear…or not going there at all…

Lovers…spouse…girlfriend..boyfriend…partner…we expect it here…but what about…what about….one we would give our life for…?….one we gave life to…?….one who was closest to your side…and breathed the same air you did…?…what then…?

I think this is why Jesus put the scripture in about Judas..and led up to it with details describing him..and a path he took…a long time ago…of being a thief..taking life…spitting on it..and refusing to acknowledge…that it was too late..and you cannot go back…

Like going back to that moment when you wish you could grab those words and stuff them back down your throat…or even find that errant thought that led you down that pathway..that voice…

I think this is a prime time example..of Jesus words that speak of Him..the Son of God…understanding how it feels and what we face…and there was no magic Jesus could do to make the ride any easier…He chose…and in all honesty He could have chose something way different..we could all get what we deserve….but we do not..we get what we create….

I taught my sons to fear their father..just like I did…and guess who won that battle…I did not give them the tools to face that monster..I told them to cower in a corner  and let it eat you for a snack..the same thing I did…

I let it take all hope out of me..and believe he ruled the world..what did I expect..it did the same to them..and that is how I failed them…and failed my God…

I did what Judas did..I am no better than him..expect on one point..not better..just took a step back…hard to do in the middle of it all..with vomit flying through the air…and no air freshener about…I realized this aint worth it…and I had to get out..and I had to try and fix it..and be at peace with the life created..and try with every ounce of my being to find what life is really about…

See I get Judas…it is so much easier to go with the flow..and think you got the answers..yeah I got this..it is so much easier to take the quick fix and be accepted..because well everyone else is doing it..so it must be right…right…?..much harder to find out what is behind door number 3….

So I ventured out and found out what was behind door number three…and no..no one followed..and I was sold out..for less than 30 pieces of silver…I was sold out for MP3 and Ipods and cash in the pocket and a yes mama..and I wanted to die..so I get Judas..I remember counting the money and thinking…money and status were the most important thing..

And I was so important…to God I am..and that is where I must stay…right in the nook…my name in the palm of God’s hand..not if He forgets..but if I forget…

And I must pray with all earnest..that someday…they will take themselves down from the hanging tree..remove the noose from their necks…and see their names in the palm of God’s hand..and He has not forgotten them…

And I get what Jesus was saying about understanding what we go through..temptation..desire…do not think for a second Jesus did not feel those things…

He gets it so well..that He asked his Father to remove the task from Him…sweat filled with blood..dripped from his head…the pressure..the desire to make this anything that what it is…so do not believe that the walk to the cross was a walk in the park…

Jesus was beaten so he got what it was like when we would get beaten…

He sat and ate with the man who betrayed him with a kiss…so he gets what it is like when one says they love us..and then tries to end our life or using our children as weapons…

He was denied by Peter…and many of the others fled…so he could get what it was like to swear loyalty and then run for the hills when it all hit the fan….

He gets the harlot who took the costly perfume…and anointed Jesus with it…such a waste in so many eyes..and I am looking about the room and trying to figure out what I can give to God…and all he wants is me….and my struggles..and all the missteps…and all the promises I break all the time..all the time…

So I do not humph at Judas…or think I am better than him..or have the upswing on it all..because I am looking at it from this side of the looking glass…nope…

I am just like Judas…whiny…self centered…thinking I am doing this right…and selling Jesus…our God over a pair of shoes or a fancy cell phone…or a job that demands more and more…or a television show…most about anything…I am far from on task…

And I can relate to the harlot..and just as a bit of information..a harlot is a woman who had sex..just to have sex..she enjoyed it..no payment…

I relate to her in this way…she got what she was doing…and she found something of value..and she took all she had…and laid it at his feet…she took her value..and her method to getting there…and with her hair and tears..she cried at the feet of Jesus…

And he got her…he got what she was doing and saying…and he rebuked anyone who tried to make it nothing or her nothing…

Sometimes we get it…and we fall on the mercies of God….and want to believe He turns us away…it is easier to believe…

Sometimes we bring all that we have..not the neighbor..or family has..but what we have…a broken and contrite heart….

Hands shaking..voice gone…realizing I am at times just like the harlot..and I do things just for the what I think is fun of it…and then I take my most precious commodity..my service…and give it to God..and no one has to get it..not family, friends, members of church…no one…

And I go back to square one..over and over again…and each time I am willing to let my heart open..I find myself at a different space…and I have learned..loved something…

And I am like Judas..who sold my God out over being liked..appreciated…wanted…books..clothes…name it I have done it…

Yet I did one thing different…I stopped before I kicked the box out from under my feet..that was holding me steady…

I refused to believe God did not exist…and he could not get this….

He gets it more than I get it…and he never will remove my name from the palm of his hand…he keeps pulling me back into the nook of Him..even as it is by the back of my shirt..and I am demanding to go…will not let go…

And to think…I almost put the noose around my neck..and jumped…because I almost believed…I almost thought..I was as ugly as they described…and I almost did not hear the voice of God..roaring above it all…

Funny…I cannot remember what I was so scared of…..

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~ by HopeGlenn on May 1, 2013.

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