Dangled…

I stood on the precipice last night..dangling…doing the balancing act I became familiar with..and a place a few..a handful would love to see me at..constantly…

I wondered if I should jump…do a swan dive into the abyss of self hate..of a belief..a distortion that is only made to control..deceive..and annihilate other human beings….as they themselves show no recognition of humanity….

I move to the edge and let the body fall forward onto the uneven edge dangling..wondering if all that I am seeing and feeling is true..or is there a reality I have just begun an entrance into..? I am thinking the latter…..

I have been so good( and I hate that word..good)…I have been solid for a long time..endured and surfaced through some difficult moments…not dangling over pots of boiling tar…not looking behind doors for evil in abundance…not playing Russian roulette with my heart…and then spend hours creating my self esteem over and over again….

But last night…a few points during the day..I did play in the space..and it made me sick…and I glanced in the mirror and suddenly I had become drawn and worn…and I was hidden once again….

I went and looked…and it was not curiosity that pulled me…it was stupidity…why did I need another confirmation that I did not need evil running my life…? Yet I went there for a moment…and sand got in my food….

I did it again..and the reason I am explaining is so those who do this..try to find an explanation..a space of peace..will know they are not alone…

I hung from the splintering board..heard the crisp cracks as the weight of lies began to cover up truth…I went straight into the being of me..and I looked back and what used to define me…and I thought..I can never be that again..I cannot go there..

It was not as tearing and piercing as the five sets of hands where pummeling me…minute by minute..they now have a cooperating female..that tells them to take another swing…and I lost that because I would not take another swing…and I lost in their eyes..yet gained in my definition…

I viewed the bloated, drunk creature..bleary and satiated like a serial killer..all happy to be the size of a small tanker…drunk..and filling itself with bliss that makes you vomit…

It was like viewing an experiment..and wondering how had I ever been there…

And then I saw it’s companion..a false imitation..lacking of a person…covered in so much paint and fabric to disguise or create a belief..it was all good..we are happy..this is the way to live…

And I still asked..how had I ever been there…?  How had my lips ever touched that creature..how had I created life with this creature..and what happened..and why did I spend so many years trying to make this a reality and believe I was wrong..I was going against the flow…why did I believe if I did not have this..I had nothing..and children..and money..and gluttony..and makeup and hair were what made me successful….?

If I had stayed..and played the game..and if I had survived..which is not likely..I could have easily slipped into this..I know because I dangled from the white picket fence, big cars, gluttony, makeup, hair, expensive bought clothes and a member of the church choir for a long time…I would hate for you to see pictures….

I fought it and got out..and some say I lost…I do not think I lost..I feel like I gained..

And it does not burn anymore….especially because I have stopped trying to be the creation that is completely against God…an image that God can barely look upon…and I am the person that I was born into and was tucked away..waiting for the day of arrival…

If I stayed..I would have been so thin…I would break apart with just a whisper..and one would think I was in a concentration camp..a prisoner of war…and I was…

And here are some truths…

We are not meant to be punching bags to our children…whether in word or deed…and some of our children will appreciate the fact that we are parents..and some will not…and one has to slowly come to peace that you are not your children…they do not define you..or make you what you are..their choices are theirs….your life is not course around them…it is only around God…

We are not meant to be June Cleaver…and annihilate ourselves so the world or someone else thinks we are appropriate…

It was like people telling me..I was going to hell for my tattoos….if I am going to hell for my tattoos..I wonder where someone is going for stealing children away from a loving parent..just asking…?….

So all that I thought was important is not…the car..the fancy cellphone that does 500 things…the house in the right neighborhood…the companion that fits the posters…the career in the right place..so one can say..I am…..(fill in the blank)…

This is what I can say..I am happy..I smile now..and I have been told my entire being lights up when I do…I no longer want to get approval from the bloated creature or the false imitation..( and I know they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery) but please stop…I no longer think of myself as damaged…I got character…and I had the privilege to live the life I had…to be able to know..that the abuse..the lies..were wrong..and the heart it created in me..is outstanding…and I have wisdom…I no longer believe that I have to work three jobs to buy my children the latest greatest thing…and then go without food…I have actually put on a few pounds and I like it….I do not believe in the god with the big stick in his hand..I believe in the God..who created me..and has persevered with me..even when I stopped…and who I continually seek…in every arena of my life…and I know the God..who hides me in the shelter of his hand..and knows my name…and thinks it is outstanding that I am out…and I got..I was not meant for the punching bag…

Because someone who is that bloated and drunk..and thinks that is the way to spend the day…and one who has put on enough makeup to hide from herself and dares not let the world see who they are…is not anyone’s view of happiness….it is a profound lie..too many of us suck into…

So I peeked in the window..and saw enough….and it scared me…because I was once there…and almost decided to stay…

And if I had..I would be one of the many drones populating this space..I would not have found God…I would not have examined every aspect..of my life and found the path to purity..that nobody gets..and they are not supposed to…it is just for me…through God..

I am going to smile..because I get to mow the grass today..and have you seen the gorgeous sun today..outstanding…I get to read the verses that speak of God..never leaving me..always here..perfecting His presence and knowledge in me..in stupendous ways…

I get to be today…breathing..defining….and looking at myself in the mirror with happiness..even with my crooked smile….crows feet and the furrow in my brow…

And me..from Queens…near the Bronx…happy…and so ecstatic I decided with every thought about me..to leave the bloated creature and the pummeling hands and words…

It was worth every second..falling to the ground..blood shed..tears like rivers…peeling off the lies…having God stare me down….

And all I can offer them…those who would prefer me captive..is prayers..like a river…hope like the sky…and mercy and grace I was given….

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 24, 2013.

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