I can barely speak….

I did not think I would write or even speak about the events in Boston…..

I have heard some crass comments about the event…and I would like to say they were new…but they are comments of insensitivity I have heard before…over and over again….

And they have bothered me for a long time…but I tucked it away and had allowed myself to be convinced I was misunderstanding…or classic statement to me is…I am over reacting…

And then I paused and thought..it is time for e good…juicy overreaction….one that might make another look at me…and say…hmmmm…I think they have an issue…and I do have an issue…

I have an issue that those who bombed this race..killed people with as much regard as they give a bowel movement..probably less than that…

I know these people sat and watched..as a child stood within a space away of a ticking bomb…and knew it would end a life…what thought was coursing through them..as they knew the seconds were ticking away..and a life would shortly be over..?

I wonder what was sinking into them..as they watched the dedicated runner..who most likely appreciates life and sees value in being true to the spirit of the human being…and committing to being healthy…and seeing something through to the end..even when it moves ..or looks into a different direction….?

What thought…feeling..if they have any..as the runner lost their lower limbs…? Mine was horror…and sadness….

I am a runner..ran a variety of races…including marathons…an illness has stopped that course in life….yet I admire what happens as one prepares for such an event…

Many call us obsessive..but I think they are jealous….

It takes great determination..courage…will..choice…and commitment to train for such an event….and it always slides into every area of your life….

It kept me in a marriage..that only one was working at…and I gave it my all…my everything..I was committed..to the fullest…

It kept me homeschooling my sons…kept me pursuing them to move away from drugs and find peace inside…smile again…

It kept me in school..educating myself..and trying things I never thought I could ever do..it lead me to teaching..writing…and looking at myself from the other side of the looking glass….

It kept me working…even after a diagnosis of a disease that knocked me back into a wall….

It continues to have me seeking God…not the old man with the big stick who agreed with the many words I was called…

It made me seek the holy God…who respect is given…and attention is spent on it continuously..not just on Sunday..or during bible study…it taught me to breathe God in and produce a constant thought and movement….

So to hear a crass comment about the reasoning behind this horror..or worse happens in other places…we are numb to it..and really do not care…just about sent me over the edge….

Because I have not become numb…nor think I hold the specialty on bad events happening….I do not think there was some hidden agenda planned and the government is behind it….

I am vomiting in horror….and think the heart left these people…because how can you have a heart and do this…?

How can you make crass comments…and think the world revolves around you…and not fall to your knees…as these events were played out in our world…

Because I fell to my knees..and I will never have the graphic images leave my mind…anchored in my heart….

I will never erase the limbs missing..and hearing the thought that it was no big thing..or they gave too much time to physical fitness….

These people…that now face an uncertain future are some of the most dedicated..committed people roaming this space…and I know someday..after the wound is sort of healed..it will be that commitment to….heal…stay committed…move forward and not allow hate to swallow them up…..

Too many have for less…too many flip out because a person took two seconds to move from a red light to the green light….or had the audacity to spend five minutes bringing you the fast food meal….

We have become so self consumed and actually believe we hold such importance..that we cannot feel….

And the act of seeing a human being with their lower body blown off..blood flowing from the mangled limbs..as a nuisance we have to deal with..as we snicker..and call a name to the person handing us change from our groceries..or the arrogance of the person on the corner asking for help….or the contempt we toss at one so dedicated to train….

And find it no great loss…and swallow our cheeseburger….to the parents in constant grief…the runner who will spend a lifetime in healing and therapy….

For me..I keep hitting the rewind button….because I have allowed the crass comments to be spoken..and I have sat and heard them…and not spoken up..because I did not want that wrath..or stupidity dumped on me….

Thanks for the reflection….you made me realize I have become a bit numb..and scared of what..nothing really….and you show me what I will never be…because I run..used to run..and that commitment thingy..is running alive and present…

And I will fight…fight…for the heart unwrapped…and ready to feel..be broken…and start to heal this space…in my little way…always…

Dedicated to those who lost their life..wounded…and dazed in insufferable pain…may we always be with you….always…

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~ by HopeGlenn on April 19, 2013.

One Response to “I can barely speak….”

  1. Hi Mandy. I came across your blog, and I took all morning just reading some of your posts. I am really sorry about all you’ve suffered. If you are able to please email me at zakariagmwita@gmail.com

    Like

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