Anger…forbidden..or what?

I am going to attempt to write about something today…something which is one of the most difficult words to say and/or even acknowledge….ANGER…

It is something we are not to have..and not so much as women..but really as any gender..anger is the forbidden fruit..the word that labels..that leaves one wide open to conclusions and assumptions..which rarely..if ever provide a description or a reality of the person being exampled…

Saying someone is angry..always put one in a defensive position..defending “why” there is anger..and girls and boys are not supposed to be angry..because our description s from long ago…forged in controlling religious entities…and those dealing with their insecurities of anger…lies told to them by others and lies told to themselves…keeps us pretending one is not angry…and there is no good cause for their anger…

I followed this philosophy for many a year..that I had no reason..no supporting information to be angry…yet I did…and as I stuffed it down it grew..and on occasion it spewed onto others..but mostly it ate out my insides..and made me hate myself..that is the greatest grief of anger..and being told there is nothing to be angry about….

I have seen no occasion for not having anger from the times I was angry..they were all valid…it may have been exasperated because it festered…and was not allowed a voice…yet it had a reason to be present…it like many things..needed the moment to blurt out the words..that at first seemed jumbled and then as one was breathing again…the words all made sense….

The crazy thing is this…if one recognizes anger in another..it is pause for reflection that it most likely be something one is dealing with themselves..it is true for any emotion..thought or practice…we have such great opportunity to see what we are dealing with..or not dealing with..through the eyes of another..

And here comes the kicker…how we choose..to deal with that emotion…

Most will self mutilate when anger..shame..guilt..become present…

And usually that makes a festering sore on the inside..and we all know what happens when that lets loose..it always comes out wrong..and usually moves forth on a person who cannot hear the cry..coming from the soul…because they will run from us..abandon us…

I was angry for years…had due cause for it..and even have reasons today…

At first it was because I came from a home I would describe as close to hell..we  lived in the same neighborhood..had the same landscaping..and were in the same zip code…

A father abusing his children the way my father did..brings up anger..and anger is mostly based in not understanding what is happening…fear…

Then we moved onto the marriage..where one uses another’s history to hurt and control them….

I never really threw it out on others…I mostly contained it to taking a machete to me on the inside…I am good at that….it is a skill level I have perfected…and it made me like a tight coiled spring…

There has been moments  where I have spewed on others..hurt others…and to those who really loved me..got it..understood it..and as I asked for forgiveness..they looked at me..and told me it was not necessary…they knew this heart was in agony…and needed just one voice to hear me…and I have been given those souls..who no matter what comes down the street..love me….

I have also had those in my life who had told me how bad I was for being angry…I was sinning..I was always to be in this ethereal place..as I was being pummeled..lied to…and treated like I was yesterdays garbage..you all know what I am saying..and have felt this…like being rolled over by a steam plow….and forgot how to breathe…

I never wanted to be the center of attention..yet there is something I now believe..and anchor in…I deserve my day..my voice to talk..fudge my way through things…have a bad day or two..and not have to focus on what this makes another feel…as I am over talked…I am allowed and need to have these feelings..and have my voice heard…

If not..I will never get through it…never…and we are not meant to be alone…never meant to bounce this stuff around in our heads alone…

The only moments to step out by our own hand is this..when we make those decisions..and do the things we think we cannot…decisions that cement our beliefs and put us on course meant for us…and we figure out what to do in the course of our day…but even in those decisions we are not alone…we always are surrounded by God..and those wondrous beings we call friends…and if most fortunate..a spouse..our companion on this journey…

Anger is called sin….sin is the horror of doing something that separates us from God…by our own hand..God does not move away…He actually moves closer..we become in greater need of Him…it is what we need to recognize..confess and move forward..and seek to not do it again…

Anger is not sin…sin is sin…

Scripture states be angry and sin not..even those who distort the Bible know this verse…and this is one of the great distortions…

If one is not angry..you are dead…

Look about..and see how we give time to a television show..and movie stars..than to the friend who is too scared to ask for aid..time..a hug…

Look about and see the missing people…who need our prayers…our thoughts brought before God…

Be angry that your neighbor goes hungry..or someone in that space is beaten daily…

Be angry that one is so self centered…that all they can do is complain about having to give a mere moment..to speak to another..listen to another…make a cup of tea..hold the door..send a note to…and cannot recognize another is at a loss..in a need…

Be angry that one is shushed..told they are lying..told they are sinning..when they are angry..strong emotion…is made present…because that is a lie….

I am not sinning..because I am angry…scripture is full of instances of true..justified anger..and no sin is committed…

I am a sinner..no surprise there…and I bring it to God…

Yet being angry because someone is being abused..as I was abused…or lied about…is anger I will give my focus too..

I am angry that I hear..”I love you”..and then when I am left alone on a raft in the middle of the sea..with waves that keep knocking me into next week….

I am angry that because of another’s insecurity…I am stolen from..and those things which God blessed me with..is taken from me..and the many other individuals I know..and spend most of their time wracked in pain…they do not even know how to open their eyes…

I am angry..that if one dares to express themselves..speak the insecurities..that bubble up inside of us…we are chastised…how many times does one have the courage to speak…and then they are told..of the many things another has to do…is it that hard to take credit for our own self centeredness..?..is it that difficult to allow entrance of another person as being just as important as us..?

I used to be a jittery mess..angst oozing out of me..prepared for the next attack…

And I had good reason..and then I gave up the ghost..and gave all my flub ups..stupid moments..and decades of lost hope to God…sought forgiveness when I could…and became authentic…

And now I am moving in the direction of God…and it is easy…to move toward God…it is harder to hear his voice with all the cray cray…going on…that makes one doubt the calming thought…the anger at wasting time..and listening to the lies….it just makes one question…

So I sit here…and watch the rain fall from the skies…I watch the birds dance on the ground and pull the worms from the soft earth..I sigh because I need sunshine and some warmth…this constant cold wet..is making me tired..achy..and feeling super old..so I am stalling…

Stalling on saying what I need to say..and respond…and stalling on even opening the window a crack in the pathway..I know I am to go…

And it stopped…because I got angry…

From one too many conversations..about the same thing…and why bother anymore..they are not listening…

I am angry because I have not cast my attention on God’s opinion…thoughts of me…and spent a long time looking at others…and that all changed…at just the right moment….

I am doing something I am proud of…because it is totally from God…I am angry…and I am not sinning in that anger…I am not even worrying about what others are thinking or will do because I am angry and proactive..rather than slicing and dicing myself…or for that matter another human being…

Anger…solid..proactive…what a concept….

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~ by HopeGlenn on February 27, 2013.

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