The day after New Years day…..

There is a saying..or a line of thought…which says..what you are doing on New Year’s Eve…determines what you will be doing for the next year….

I never quite got that….because in my younger days..there was drinking and partying..none of which happened in the next year….

Later there was attempts at staying awake because I believed..that event..of ushering in the new year with glee would make it better…and the thought I had brewing in my mind..will show itself…again that is never what happened…

So here I sit…on the eve of the new year…and I know what the new year will bring about…no more staking my hopes in maybe..or perhaps…I have set forth patterns..directions..great movements of the heart….

I used to wait until a certain time..or I had agreement from others that my decisions were good…approved…

Yet this year I forged ahead..way before the new year showed itself…preparing myself..learning..enacting…believing…

Binds..which constrained have been removed…thoughts..no longer scattered…and this person is known…

I am a seamstress…and have been so since I was eleven…I see the world in pieces placed together in a pattern only I seem to understand…with a few others thrown in..who get it….

I am an author..I prefer writer…I have the ability..to say things others may not get to…or cannot…and most of my thoughts…no all of them..come from movements in my heart…chords and strikes…which make the melody of my words…

I am a mother..which makes me…dealing out love…or what some like to call..tough love…it is the same love I show ( though always not in the way I intended) to all..especially those who have allowed me to call them friends…

And in that mothering role…friendship role…sibling role…child role…worship and reverence of God role…I have flown over the mountains…and then crashed into the dunes…and I keep examining my motives…utilize the training manuals…and be forever humbled that I have been given friends..children..family…and awe and reverence…

I still define myself as many of these things..despite the fact my family does not exist in the definition we know…I am still their mother..was once a wife..walked through glistening fairy forests and quake ridden ravines with friends…once was someone’s child…yet they have passed away…yet I still am the eyes of my father and the face of my mother…I still stand in awe of reverence as a child of God…I step back that I am still welcomed in God’s arms for all the time I have walked away and chosen to believe this world instead of God…

I still hope for a successful relationship..I think many can identify…and even though I am comfortable with being alone…I would choose a partner…yet not if it means..losing all my beliefs and entering the world of abuse I am way too familiar with….

I still believe I can change the world…and will make my dent in it…

So I sit here..as the new year is ready to begin….and I do many things…

I grieve for a loss…not what I have lost..but a path being chosen..that I know ends in destruction….

I breath heavily for the rearranging..changes which have happened in my life..quickly…yet with plenty of warning…

I smile…for the friends..the moments..the times of mind boggling laughter..to when snorts emerged…that is when you know something makes me laugh…

I am thankful for the kindness of strangers…the opportunities to serve those who do not have what I have…and to give it all my effort…and realizing I loved my neighbor….

I sigh..and stand in awe of a spiritual solidification…removal of lies…finally…and feeling it deep within the core of me…my being…

And knowing exactly where I am going…yet really do not know the name of the places..or the street names to get there…

And in a few minutes..I am going to sleep…and it will probably be the best sleep I have had in years….

And as I rest…the new year will begin…and when I awake…

I hope to be doing…just what I have been doing…..living….

Advertisements

~ by HopeGlenn on January 2, 2013.

One Response to “The day after New Years day…..”

  1. Beautifully said my dear friend!!!!! I love you and am so thankful that we came back into each others lives after so many years. You are an amazingly strong, beautiful and extremely artistic woman and I am proud to call you friend.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: