I am a bit hesitant to write today..I have backed away from the keyboard…not wanting to take my thoughts…my pain..my struggles with seeking approval…

Yet after hearing my priest speak..and recognizing the courage to speak truth..into a world  which has no desire to hear truth..allowed me to speak…

My heart is heavy still and I hope it remains so…from the recent shootings…even heavier so that we do not recognize the shooter..and I will call him what he is..a young..confused man in deep despair…I will not zero him out..and it is heavy from not recognizing another victim…the mother…she has now become the one…whom all blame is cast…not a new headline..and such an easy escape..it provides us with the avoidance..the removal of looking in the mirror…

I have been preparing..if I can use that word…for the birth of the Savior…fasting..prayer..looking beyond my scope…and no matter how contrite we are..it seems a formidable task…there are always deceits..I have hidden in my heart…so I ask God to reveal them..and give me the ability to stand..when they are shown to me…

And in this journey…I place myself with the shooter…the young man in despair…

Do I speak truth..no matter the cost..?

Do I feed the system of give me..give me….?

Do I collect and save for myself and watch another walk down the street cold..when I can provide warmth..?

Do I grieve daily..in tears the families torn asunder by our own vanity..our own thoughts of privilege…our claim to rights..?

Do I argue furtively with a fool…supporting their cause of lies..theft..abuse..murder…or do I separate..move forward into a greater space…or am I adhered like super glue..concerned..swallowing me up..with..will they like me…?

Do I speak with such strength and continue to dwell in what has been done to me…so as the light can shine on me..and I can receive all the praise..pity..attention…That I cannot even see the ticking time bomb sitting in my lap…?

We toil in vain..we seek acceptance from this world…we drug our children…to keep them quiet..we give them every tool needed for violence and are astounded at their acts…

Have you watched television lately..?

Have you seen the video games…?

We stand..with the shooter..we made this world…we created this despair…we tell each other..that human life is nothing..has no value..that a car..a job…clothing…your drug of choice…ego..is more important…we create pain..hate..envy..abuse..

So I sit here this Christmas..in a quiet spirit..most thankful for the baby in the manager…the gift of trusting in God..and it all can be healed…

No present..no cheery holiday greeting…will ever replace the fact..that I have a lot of work to do..I am raising the bar…

No more excuses…what one..what excuse can I give to explain away this..or the next event…who can one blame..except themselves…

I do not want to be sitting here next Christmas..with the same heaviness…

I want to give a meal to someone I see hungry..maybe even the meal I am about to eat…

And somehow bring a smile..to one I see sinking..no matter what it takes..what the cost is to me..the sacrifice…

I want to warm someone with a coat I have..my favorite coat…

I want to give someone something..and not wait..or expect for a thank you…not even acknowledgement…

I want to suffocate..the selfish voice..which says..they will think you are goofy..they will not be your friend..you will not be popular…

I want to be part of the team..which helps the gunman..put down the gun…

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~ by HopeGlenn on December 24, 2012.

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